The embarrasment avoidance card is a decent one, IMO, Tabby. She and her lawyer seem to think it has value, and I would agree. I have seen some stories of a BS getting a more favorable settlement by virue of the WS wanting to avoid public exposure. Many folks seem to put a value on not having to deal with the gossip and sniggering that will follow them. And, as she has referenced, there is the misuse of grant funds card, as well.

Tabby understands MB.

MEDC, ah, I'm mean Dud(e) (he reminds so much of him) has to always push people to plan D. As if he did not get to punish his WW enough. But who is he back with now?

MB is not hard to understand. Opting for that route, is a personal choice, one declined by many fine folks.

Tabby, Ladylonglegs is NOT in Plan A.

I think the question would be, why do the people who opt not to follow MB continue to stick around here and try to convince others who come here for help that they shouldn't follow it either?

Maybe because you are not being honest with yourself?

I read here for many years before I even began to post. Your situation is not unique or speacial.

Your pain is real and honest. Your goals should be the same.

Again you complain the OM is out with the OW.

Again I call you on not doing anything to stop it.

It's not about not liking you.

It's about you not being honest. If you want to divorce say so.

All you do is say I'm not sure want I want to do.

Then your actions only say on how you want to get your WH over the barrel.

Your refuse to expose shows that you ar unwilling to do anything to save the marriage.

It's as if you are on a sinking ship. You say the ship maybe to badly damaged to save. You are not sure if you want the ship. Yet you do nothing to stop the leak. Instead you just let it slip deeper into the water.

Then you get angry an indignent when being called on it.

You don't have to believe me. I've seen so many stories since about 2004.

geeez TheRoad I'm not sure why you are so vehement.

She has NEVER said she is opposed to exposing. She's simply biding her time and being logical and strategic.

I see no reason whatsoever to jump so quickly into Plan A/exposure/carrot/stick until she knows whether or not she even WANTS to have the marriage back.

Whats the freakin rush?

She's been here 5 whole days, hired a PI, installed a keylogger, consulted an attorney, and confronted her husband. Its not like she's sitting around wringing her hands. Sheesh

Who knows? Maybe you should ask one.

I did. As is typical, I got no real answer.

Well, that must be disappointing.

Not really.

LLL

It looks like you've been jump started into a Plan B opportunity. I'd quickly take advantage of it, plus I'd expose to everyone asap. Study and follow Plan B guides lines to the letter. It's the only hope for this marriage.

I'd also expose OWs past to your WH. Maybe have the former wife of OWs former lover give your H a call and enlighten him. He needs to know her MO. Any way of finding out if she's slept with anyone else your H knows, preferably a friend or colleague? Certainly you can find someone working who knows the skinny on this gal. It would be great if one of his other doctorial students would file a complaint with the university based on preferential treatment or conflict of interest. I don't know how that can be brought about, however.

I find it interesting (if I read your posts right) that the OW broke up another marriage but the WH didn't marry her. I wonder how long it took that guy to realize he'd made a mistake. Maybe he's the one who should call your H! I believe you mentioned he was also a big fish in your husband's pond.

Again, this advice assumes you want to save your marriage.

Whew. That's good.

lexxy I left a question for you on another thread. Could you answer how it effected your BH on that thread?

I think you will find on any public bulletin board that has no membership requirements that there will be naysayers and contrarians. This place is no different.

Personally, I think a contrary point of view is helpful at times. In my case, it certainly made me think of the advisability of pursuing what could have been a disastrous course of action.

Blind allegiance without critical thought is not good, IMO.

LLL is doing a nice job using the analytical part of her brain under trying circumstances. Very impressive, IMO.

>Very impressive, IMO

I think so, too.

She is doing what EVERY BS should do. Gather evidence, lay it all out and study it, and THEN make a decision.

So many make a knee jerk reaction from the gate and ruin their stride for the rest of meet. Far better is to pace yourself and study the whole of the course so that you can study the flaws of the others on the field and use those flaws to your own advantage.

LLL,

I'm in the camp of those who think you are doing a good job protecting yourself while you consider your options. I, too, am in a long-term marriage. I did not expose, based on advice from Steve Harley, with whom we had many sessions. I do not regret that; I think it gave me more leverage in my particular situation.

We are now in recovery. It cost me a great deal emotionally. My H's affair lasted five years, going further and further underground. I don't recommend that anyone do what I did unless they know that a person of character once existed in their spouse's body, and are prepared to fight with everything they've got for as long as it takes to see that person restored. You are wise to think it over carefully right now before jumping on one side of the fence or the other.

I eventually told my H I was done, and he ended the A that day and started a very rigorous program of recovery. He has been faithful to that program and is once again actually present in our marriage. He is deeply remorseful. I can't say I'm happy just yet, but I am on the way.

A weighty factor in my case was the welfare of my three children. The youngest has multiple disabilities and will need lifetime supports. He also desperately needs two parents functioning together in a loving home. He has that.

I'd definitely have been financially better off if I had divorced early in this process. Emotionally, I am not so sure. I paid an extremely high "mental health" price to stick it out. But I have heard that while recovery from infidelity takes two years or more, emotional recovery from divorce can take much, much longer. I don't know; I didn't follow that path.

Keep your head clear and stay strong. I think you are unusual in your position of strength here. I also have been reflecting on the whole "Plan A" thing, and am concluding that one of its key functions is to give power back to the BS. Exposure, where appropriate, is a tool of power. For some, it is one of the only cards in their hand. Plan B and Plan D are also tools of power. Assess the tools you have and assess your own heart.

Waywards are aliens. They all follow the same script and nothing your H is doing is unusual at all. The lucky ones eventually come to their senses.

Keep posting.

((((((Chrysalis))))
Good Post, she does not sugar coat her reality, and shows the multiple reasons/facets for her recovery.
I have been re inspired with some of the recent posts to review my attitude.

Well, this has been an interesting day.... PI has gathered A LOT of info on Hot Pants. I really don't want to be too descriptive here except to say she is not Mary Sunshine. No history of illegal acts but let's just say how she portrays herself masks a dark side. The info is pretty definitive and comes from hard data PI gathered.

I have a feeling my H would NOT be amused by what I've learned. I doubt he has any idea..... Or should I say my "old husband" would not have wanted to be associated with someone with her ethics and morals.....however he's not so squeeky clean himself at this point.

I don't know what to do with this info. I'm thinking. If I sit H down and try to give him this info, he'll likely blame the messenger and deny she could have a history like she does. He's not the same person, so I don't think that would work. Can you expose one person in the affair???? The info is nothing she can be thrown out of university for.....more related to family stuff and her history of marriages, divorces and affairs.

As you can see, I'm sort of paralyzed right now .... need to tread carefully here....