My husband and I both understand this.

""I have been married to my husband longer.""

Hate to beat this dead horse, but how long ago did your brother get married? And did your H know her before?

Thanks,

kirk

They have only neen married about 5 years and my husband met her when I did.

carka

Plan NC ahead of time. Does the family get together for memorial day, the fourth?

Who in the family have been told?

Hello Carka,

As Ace mentioned there IS hope for you and your H. Mrs.Flint and I have an absolutely fantastic relationship and are closer emotionally than we have ever been!

The key for us was absolute TOTAL honesty to the ENTIRE family. Mrs.Flint wrote letters of apology to myself, my sister, my parents, her mother and our children that are old enough to understand (the youngest is 10 and will be told about the adultery when age appropriate - she already understands that we have NO CONTACT because of his cruelty and treatment of our family and his wife and children...)

MB literally saved my life and marriage. It is a horrible thing and as mentioned a DOUBLE whammy when not only are you betrayed by your spouse but your own blood as well...

ABSOLUTE NO CONTACT IS MANDATORY FOR LIFE.

If you have any questions just let us know. We got fantastic help from everyone here and there were actually some with similar situations like Larry that were particularly helpful. As Ace mentioned Mrs.Flint and my story is in our signature line.

Let us know if you have questions and don't be afraid to ask anything you want to know.

God bless.

Jim

I just wanted to give a quick update.
I think the med is kicking in, although I think I will have to up my dose. I'm still having a lot of anxiety. I'm also sleeping a ton and I think I'm going to ask my dr. what he thinks of that.
It's been 3 months since d day and nc has been established.
I'm taking it one day at a time.
Mc is going good.

Lots of sleep sounds like depression. Not surprising.

What is your WH doing to reassure you that NC is in place?

Lots of reassurance, time together, being accountable for where abouts, keeping an eye on cell phone records, etc.
It's especailly hard for me while he is at work. But I have enlisted a co-worker of his a while back to keep an eye on things. My husband is not being difficult so that helps. He really wants healing.
I would really like to move. H knows this. There are just too many triggers...I really don't know how I would handle running into her.
I've been trying to decide whether or not to stop talking to my brother all together. The last couple times he's called I did not answer. It's just too painful.

I feel bad for the kids, but I'm starting to think that it might be healthier in the long run.

My husband and I are talking everyday (give or take a few) since d day. We have set aside time after dinner to be together and stay connected.
It's not perfect. I'm incredibly hurt inside, but we have made progress in the last 3 months.
I'm not sure how I'll ever trust him again though.

Carka, what I understand from my short time here is that "trust" as you knew it will never return.

Over time, you may become "comfortable," but you will always want to verify. This is one of Dr. Harley's principles: Radical Honesty. Transparency.

Your husband needs to be completely open and honest with you. And you need to "trust but verify."

Dr. H. contends that no marriage should be based on unequivocal trust.

I mentioned this to my husband lastnight how different I feel inside. He thinks in time I'll be myself again. But I don't know if I'll ever be the same, and I don't think it's just the depression. In a book I have it compares it to a broken vase. You can glue it back together and make it stronger but you'll always see where it broke.

This is not your burden to carry.

It's not your job to find a way to give him your trust.
It is his job to find a way to earn your trust back.

If he does his job right, and does everything he can to earn your trust back, then in time (measure in months/years) you will find the constant dread, worry, suspicion, and fear is just gone. But you will never be naive again. That's not necessarily a bad thing.

Too true...it is not my burden to carry.

My H has a great job that he loves. He has been there a long time and worked his way up in position.
I really want to move. I have brought this up several times to H. He says he would help make that happen if it were possible.
We bought our house right as the market was going down but has since went WAY down so we would make less than nothing on it. We would likely just have to let it go.

I feel guilty for wanting to uproot our lives. The triggers here are intense though. It's getting better, but the thought of starting fresh somewhere far from here is appealing to me. I'm struggling with the selfishness of it though. Our kids are happy in their school and H loves his job.

I would love to hear how some of you in recovery have handled staying in the same town and dealing with the triggers. Also, how did it work out for those of you that left your home and town after the affair.

Thanks in advance.

Rephrase this to "I feel angry that WH put us all in a position of having to uproot our lives."

I can't talk about staying in the same town. H's was a long distance EA and my EA was with a guy in the same "town" of over 10 million people. It was easy to make our paths not cross and keep NC... and we've since moved several hundred miles anyway, for other reasons.

I'm in a nightmare right now...

I made a mistake yesterday.

Ow has a lot of the same family members as friends as I do on facebook. I commented on something my sister wrote and she commented in right after I did so I was alerted to it. TRIGGER, TRIGGER!!
Well, I made the mistake of puttiing a smart a** reply that of course was towards her. I felt terrible afterwards and deleted my comments. I didn't think ow saw them. Well she did.

Fast forward to later lastnight I get several texts from her. (to even see her number on my phone was just aweful)

The smart a** comment I wrote was about karma. Well karma certainly does bite you in the butt. Turns out that my h had told her about a past mistake I had made when I was a teen. I had an innapropriate relationship with one of my sisters boyfriend. (whom is now currently her husband) This happenened more than a decade ago.

In the texts she is basically threatening me that if I don't let the kids see eachother she will tell.

I've got so many feelings going on inside me. Shame, fear, guilt, sadness, anger. I can't believe my h aired my dirty laundry out to dry like this. I confided in him about this years ago. It makes me feel as though he must have hated me during his affair.

I can't stand the fact that something like this is in my enemies hands.
My h and I's recovery has been going so well. But now to know that things I told him in the strictest confidence were material for their converstions is just breaking my heart again.

I'm stuggling with how to handle these threats. I know what I've done in the past is wrong and if it comes out I will face the consequences.

I don't want anymore pain and I don't want to be the cause of anyone elses.

I thought I was doing the right thing by cutting contact for a while with my brother and his son.

I don't know how to feel anymore.......

What's the problem? No one was married at the time were they?

I feel so lost.

Tell your SIL to cram it up her wazoo. That'll make you feel better.

Never negotiate with terrorists.

Calm down. As Michael Scott said in the Office, "BFD, it's not married."

So what you maybe kissed your sister's boyfriend in high school? Do you think people really care about that as much as her sleeping with your husband whom you have children with. I wouldn't respond to her, but I'd definitely tell your brother about her little blackmail attempt. Screw her, she's not even worth your time.