Why not start a thread and ASK? I bet not ONE fWW on here will say they said that, NONE. BREAK THIS B! DUDE

Or it could be the fogged out, idiotic, thinking of a wayward.
One would have to know her and her history to determine that

I don't think she or any other wayward Deserve anything but pain and a stint under the karma bus. However, the BH is the only one that can decide what path he wants to take. If he choses recovery and forgiveness, then that is his choice. If he choses Plan-D/FU, I support it 100%, that is his right. But, this BH has not stated he wants to go Plan-D/FU, so until then the prudent course of action would be to follow the MB plans.

Don't you think?

Love is not about giving someone what they deserve, but meeting their needs.

Plan A is not about what someone deserves, it's about demonstrating what the marriage COULD be.

Plan B is about demonstrating what divorce could be like.

The WW then chooses.

It's not about deserving, it's about showing a couple of different potential outcomes to the crisis.

Go for it.
Just keep it non specific, and avoid any personal attacks so the mods don't lock it.

And I would include FWW and FWH in it.

I can see MAYBE plan B, but A? After that comment. NOPE! I predict he does NOT do a plan A. We'll see who is right..DUDE

That's a bit disingenuous. Plan A requires the BS become 100% Giver and 0% Taker. This is why there is a time limit on Plan A; no one can be 100% Giver all the time.

In my opinion, Plan A is designed to highlight the best parts of the marriage, not what it could be.

Main Entry: pro�cliv�i�ty
Pronunciation: \prō-ˈkli-və-tē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural pro�cliv�i�ties
Etymology: Latin proclivitas, from proclivis sloping, prone, from pro- forward + clivus slope � more at pro-, declivity
Date: circa 1591
: an inclination or predisposition toward something; especially : a strong inherent inclination toward something objectionable

synonyms see leaning

I do not believe I have a predisposition or inherent inclination toward such outbursts. Typically these happened wile under tremendous stress and very unusual circumstances that most people never experience, and I lashed out due to it.

Stress can impair your judgment, it does not mean you have a disorder.

I would not go the stress excuse route, Gack, if you are lashing out at folks. If you examine most peoples' lives, you will find that we are all under stress. Abusive folks go this excuse route , all the time.
If you are consitently lashing out while "under stress", you need to fix it, IMO.

Who said constantly?
I was talking about a few isolated incident's over my adult life.

You are one of the very few people I have ever heard of that eludes to having never lashed out inappropriately in there life.

Same thing with waywards, if the craziness did not start until the affair, and there is a long track record of stability before the affair. Then the craziness is probably a symptom, and not the cause.

I know of many such people, Gack. Adults, not kids. No one is perfect, but lashing out while under stress is messed up.

Well maybe myself and those around me are just kids.

I don't want to grow, I want to be a toys-R-us kid. Theres a million things at toys-R-us that I can play with.

Gack

There are people here that feel it's there duty to punish WW's.
Doesn't matter that their not even their own WW's.

Just don't throw your toys at your playmates when you get stressed.

Well,things have changed BIG time. She called about 6 this morning. Seems her and OM had a big blow out last night. He became abusive and started cussing at her and she at him and it turned into some big altercation. She was all crying and everything saying what have I done, I've thrown my life away and so on. She is flying home this afternoon and wanted me to fly up and get her. I took it all in stride and I looked for a flight, but nothing that would get me there before she was scheduled to leave. She has been on the phone all morning with me, just going on and on about re-connecting and how this was crazy and a mistake. She gave (offered) me her phone password, her credit card password and e-mails. He has contacted her several times today (text), each time she calls me and tells me and forwards her response. She told him that it's over. That she was going home to try and save her marriage if her husband would have her. She asked him not to contact her and she would not be contacting him again. I know, how do I know there is not something else.....I don't? but it's a start. I know and she knows she is going to feel for him for a while and steps are being taken (passwords and monotoring) that will be necessary for a while. She offered these things (before I could ask) so I can only wait and see. It's a long row to hoe, but it's a start. Like I said in my initial blog, I have never used a discussion forum before, but you all have been the best. I never would have thought about exposure and am blown away at the effect and how quickly it worked. My thanks to all for the great advise and support.He is evidently totally pissed and wanted nothing to do with the drama. Don't worry, I know that there is the possibility of a relapse and I need to be aware, but at least he (perhaps temporarily) is out of the picture. I turned down that job, but I have a couple more that are promising and would be more "family friendly". Now the real work begins.

I told you.

Whatever, we obviously broke her. Glad you kicked off of Legs thread. She got tired of your same old lame recording w/ no THINKING involved. DUDE

Oh boy

@patriot45,

I hope you don't mind me chiming in again.

When she comes back, you have just one job: be the husband she needs.

* PROTECT HER from your anger, disrespect, and demands by learning to say "This conversation isn't safe for me right now. I'd love to talk later." Walk away and do something else if that happens.

* PROTECT YOURSELF from her anger, disrespect, and demands by learning to say "This conversation isn't safe for me right now. I'd love to talk later. Walk away and do something else if that happens.

* MEET HER NEEDS, particularly affection and conversation, by asking "How can I help you?" and "How do you feel if...?" questions, as well as demonstrating physical affection and finding ways to show her you are always thinking about her.

* INVITE HER TO MEET YOUR NEEDS using thoughtful requests and respectful persuasion. Frame each request or persuasion attempt in your mind using "How would you feel about..." or "I'd love it if..." questions/statements that avoid use of the word "YOU" anywhere in them. Think "I'd love it if we could find a way to meet my need for openness & honesty together", or "How would you feel about taking a few days off work so we can be together?" Don't expect a lot of results for several weeks or months, though, until her addiction wears off.

* SPEND UNINTERRUPTED TIME TOGETHER, a bare minimum of 15 hours per week (but shoot for 30!). Ensure during this time you are giving one another undivided attention without distractions. This may mean booking flights together if she goes out of town from now on (and finding a nanny), or coming to a mutually-enthusiastic agreement of a change in her job responsibilities to avoid spending overnights away from you ever again.

* BE HONEST with her about your feelings in a non-judgmental way. "I'm sad today because I'm thinking about all that has happened" or "I am happy you are home."

* REWARD HER HONESTY by learning to say "Thank you for being honest" while not allowing yourself to become defensive even if her honesty sounds accusatory. Do not interrupt to correct her, and practice expressing how her accusations make you feel rather than stating why they are wrong.

* ESTABLISH EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to prevent recidivism, as recommended in "Surviving An Affair". Discover the real reasons the affair happened. Hint: none of the real reasons will blame you. They will all deal with her, her feelings, and her own precautions, or possibly joint precautions. Part of those EPs, though, is complete and radical honesty with you for the rest of her life... enforced through whatever technological or process changes you think are appropriate to make sure you know even when she doesn't want you to know.

Remember those EPs include your full access to every password, every account, every mailing, any and every piece of information that you need to reassure yourself she's not having another affair. Complete, absolute transparency. Remind her it's not a punishment, but a way to fill your emotional need for openness & honesty.

* EXPECT APPROACH-AVOIDANCE. She may have the attraction/repulsion dynamic going on here, wanting to be with you when she's away from you, and wanting to be away from you when she's with you. Figure out what repulses her -- probably Love Busters -- and find ways to remedy them together.

Remember always that she is totally responsible for how you feel about her, and you are totally responsible for how she feels about you. You cannot change your own feelings toward her: she must. She cannot change her own feelings toward you: you must. Treat that as a sacred responsibility to nurse her back to health after these horrible, tragic events occurred. They happened completely due to her own decisions, but she needs time to heal, nonetheless.

Expect withdrawal.

To sum up again:
* PROTECTION
* CARE
* TIME
* HONESTY
* EXCLUSIVE NEED-MEETING
* POJA

Expect her honesty to grow with time, and for her to have some difficulty talking about things at first. Remember that EVERY conversation about the affair has a cost in Love Units withdrawn when she accesses that memory bank. Plan to keep such conversations to a minimum. It's helpful to write down your questions and plan to discuss them at a certain time on a certain day each week so you can keep those Love Unit Withdrawals to a minimum. Avoid "Why" questions, if you have them, and focus on "What", "When", "Where", and "With Whom" questions, because "Why" questions can be answered by understanding Love Bank balances, exclusive need-meeting, and independent behavior + dishonesty being requirements for conducting an affair.

Good luck, bro. We're here.

Good news - now be the lighthouse and bring the ship home.

DNM - good post

Not a bad idea to delay getting a job. This current job to repair your marriage wounds will take some time and more important.

Noticed that she asked you to come get her - she needs her man to get her out of this mess. Anyway thats how I take it.

*edit*