Yes

You do not leave. I fshe want's to run off to OM', she leaves and you go for Plan-B, or Plan-D.

The overspending, the cheating, and her willingness to abandon her children all point to some sort of disorder, IMO. If you have the resources and have to go the D route, I would inquire about having a psych eval should she fight for custody.

Depends on her history. Was she always this unstable, or just since the affair.

Cause or Affect?


This is sound advice fore anyone going through a divorce with a wayward, especially with kids.

Pat,

I am confused. Do you have a job or not?

You are wise to listen to her, but you would be well advised to get some help and support. Help for her and support for yourself. This is a process and it does not end easily.

I would strongly advice you to quit trying to tell the future. What you can do is set your boundaries for anyone near you, and for your marriage to succeed or you to even consider working on the marriage. She needs to hear those boundaries. They are NOT demands. They are YOUR boundaries and they are what you need to live and function.

Right now she is still thinking like a wayward and she will continue to do so for awhile, perhaps a long while. You don't know. I will say if she is ready to be a poor mother, a poor W, and have an affair, her wayward thinking is pretty deep.

Quit putting stress on your life by asking "what if?" Instead, get the job thing settled. See an attorney and get a really good idea of what you should do to protect yourself and the kids. Give him the letters that folks wrote about who they think should rear the children. And then sit back and watch.

Talk to her folks and seek their thoughts. Talk to your folks and seek their thoughts, but don't put them in the middle. You want honesty. You want clear thinking. You want people to help you examine the data and see what to do with it. But, first you have to determine what is data and what is "fog babble" by a woman that was on an endorphin high from her affair.

Settle down, focus on your path, your kids, and your own decisions. Listen to her. If you, don't see something as she does or something she says crosses a boundary, state how you see it or that she is crossing a boundary you won't allow her to do, and then leave.

You have more control than she does. And you have something she may never get back...you integrity.

Hang in there, recovery is NOT for wimps. And if you choose that route expect the emotional rollercoaster to be moving at top speed.

God Bless,

JL

Patriot,

Make an appt with the Harleys. Make an appt with an attorney. The future of your children is at stake. Get your ducks in a row. Protect your children, your home, your finances, your sanity and your dignity.

God's Blessings,

Say

Pat:

What everyone is sayin' and what you already know is that this thing is going to go down one of two ways:

1. She initiates NC, leaves the POSOM forever and works on R
2. She gives up, heads back to OM and continues the misery

Both those paths are her decisions. You can't control what decision she is going to make, you can only be prepared to respond in the proper way. So make sure you're ready for both cases:

1. If she goes this route, then be ready for withdrawal. You've already seen it (the crying to come back home and then the coldness). The A was *literally* crack and coming off of it is going to crush her hard. Don't try to explain this to her, she won't get it. Just provide a loving, tolerant environment and be prepared for a few weeks (could be longer) of hell. The biggest challenge at this point is maintaining NC. This is why I suggested a vacation in an earlier post. I don't know if you can or not, but going somewhere, anywhere, for 2 weeks right now, would be a huge step for both of you. You could enforce NC and she could come down with just you to be there to catch her. If she makes it past withdrawal, then you start on the path to R, keeping in mind that there are plenty of people here who have had to go through multiple D-Day's. NC is critical.

2. If she goes this route, then Plan B is in order. This means you have to get her out of the house cuz Plan B don't work when the WW is in contact with you. Kicking her out could lead to D which means you need to know your rights, so it's a good time to get an introductory consultation, if you haven't already (they should be free, if the lawyer wants to charge, find another one).

Neither route is easy. But don't delude yourself - you can't change her thinking. All you can do is react in the best possible way to whatever choice she makes.

People have planned B'ed living in the same house. You just give them the plan B letter and try and ignore them as much as possible.


This is why you start meeting with a lawyer and get your ducks lined in a row now. You need to start documenting how you are caring for the children everyday, things like taking them to school, taking them to their after school activities, taking them to the doctor, etc., as well as what nights your WW is away. Meet with a lawyer and he will advise you on what you need to do to build a custody case, even if you don't file. Then if she decides, she wants to take the kids to Houston, guess what? You file for divorce and seek an injunction to keep her from moving the kids and you get primary custody. You just need to be ready to go at moments notice. I would advise you to meet with a lawyer today.

I have a part-time job.

1. Don't jump to Plan B without a plan.

2. Expect the "Come here...but stay away from me". My wife wanted me around all the time but when I was she hardly seemed to want me there.

3. In the cases where the WW tries to end it with the OM...I wouldn't expect NC to be instantaneous. She is still fuelled by the addiction and the drama with OM...but the fact she wants you around her is an indication that she feels safest with you. Be her place to fall...be her friend and support her even though it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. Like you, the OM in our situation was long distance as such...the breaks in NC were phone calls and emails and NOT physical meetings. My plan was not to endure another meeting between the two of them but I was going to endure a few breaks in NC (though I WAS stating my boundaries) while I helped my wife extract herself from the toxic relationship. Whether our marriage survived or not...I wanted her OUT of the relationship with OM no matter what (as I didn't want to endure years of her and my daughter with this guy even if we divorced).

4. Recover won't ACTUALLY begin until the affair is absolutely over. Ending the affair is PRIMARY OBJECTIVE NUMBER ONE. You won't really be able to assess your recovery options, believe a word she says, or rebuild trust until such point so just stick to your plan A and TRY not to be needy, begging or demanding.

I presume you married this woman, "in sickness and health" and "in good times and bad". Well...this is the worst. I focused on just living up to my vows above and allow the chips to fall as they may. If she never ends the affair...you'll have a timetable of when you've reached YOUR limit and Plan B will then become the plan followed by an eventual Plan D if & when that doesn't work.

Mr. Wondering

Excellant post Mr W. I know that Patriot can get through this with level headed advisors like you.

God's Blessings,

Say

When she came home today, she clarified (I guess) what she meant this morning about never saying it was over. She said she was refering to her emotions, not the physical side of it: We'll see. She has been crying off and on, very depressed. Like you said, it's one of the hardest things to do being supportive while she thinks about another man. Once in a while she'll open up and be better, but it's short lived. I have two more job interviews lined up, both are closerto home and a strait 40hrs or so a week. Pay is not as good, but it's something that works with the kids. I KNOW once I get a new job I will feel a lot better about all this. It is just so draining on everyone right now that it's hard to see how it could get better. Part of it is I cannot believe she got involved with a guy who does drugs, has a temper and is living with another women. It's just soooooo not her. Now she is moping around the house and leaving me to pick up the pieces, even though I'm barely functioning. Again, through this all another selfish act.

Pat -

You are getting great feedback and advice from JL, DNM, Mr W, and Pep. Great stuff on this thread.

In fact so good - going to save it in my favourites.

Remember this is a marathon, take one day (even one moment) at a time.

Patriot,

The BS usually has to do the "heavy lifting" at this point. It is not fair, but name one thing about this mess that is. Give her some time. You will see the worst of withdrawal for about 3 weeks. If she starts to perk up sooner keep an eye out for contact with OM, that is usually what is happening.

The addict gets their fix and all is right with the world for awhile. Good luck on the job hunt. I know that will help you right now.

My recommendations for right now: listen to her, focus on the kids (she is not), and work on getting one of those jobs. Don't second guess yourself and just be who you are and were all along.

If she asks what you need, and she is not likely to do that anytime soon, tell her a No Contact letter to OM. NC is crucial for this to work or even have a "good" divorce. Oddly claims that even a divorce should be POJA'd.

Hang in there, things will change but in baby steps.

JL

You must be joking?

Nope.

I think that's awesome advice.

And I understand your reaction.

At one point, while The Leopard was still under my roof, deep in her affair, she asked me to give HER a hug.

Wow, did I have a hard time doing it. I did it. But it certainly wasn't the kind of hug I -used- to give her.

When I rushed home from work this morning, I thought that's what she wanted, but instead it was just to be here. I NEVER thought I would be the type of guy who could sit here, after his wife came back from a week with another man, in which they "broke up" (wink wink) and watch her crying for him and not throw here out on her ears. My family, her family, everyone is in shock at my tolerence level. They say for better or worse, this has reached new levels of absurd.

I know this is going to sound even more absurd to you but I HOPE TO BE WHERE YOU ARE. I am in Plan B and my WH is living with POSOW. I am living my life while he continues his affair that has been going on for who knows how long(up to 2 and a half years UGH). I can't help you through this part but know that it could be worse

I've read that the greatest threat to the recovery of a marriage is the BS after about 6 months.

I imagine that all the stuff that happened and that you tolerated comes rushing back at that point and you start wondering why you want this cheater back in your life.

I'm merely sharing what I've heard. I got there myself, but it was feelings about an ex wife.

I'm at a point in my life where the thought of being with her is met with revulsion and I'm happy with who I'm with right now.