Sometimes the affair doesn't end until it's too late.

Ask believer. The important part is to build YOURSELF. You don't want a marriage at all costs. You want either a healthy marriage or no marriage.

Being alone is better than being with someone so terrible as to cheat whenever they want...

" LLL is perfectly justified "

To divorce, I agree it's her choice.

To be phoney, no way!

"If the "proven" things to bring an affair to an end are so effective, why do I read of so many on this site who used those techniques and in many cases the marriages didn't make it in the long run? It might work for some, but there are no guarantees and at 53, I don't have years to wait to see if my H is one of the ones who will come back. "Proven" should be changed to "possible"."

You are within your right to choose to D.

I have and no one at MB says that it is 100% effective.

As to the long run, your 53 and have a good chance to go to 83.

You can't have it both ways.

You claim where you have read about MB failures. Yet you choose to not place the spot light on the poster's that were going nowhere to get their WS back until they followed MB ways.

MB has never promised 100% success.

MB gives the BS the best odds, best chance to recover their marriage.

Your fog babble to us is just as bad as your WH's to you.

The things you have done here have shown no attempt to recover your marriage.

Only to gain support to get back at your WH, get what is "yours".

This is why I say you are acting in a phoney way.

You say you don't know what you want to do.

Then you only do non MB things that will not end the affair. Just do things to give your lawyer ammunition to nail your WH to the wall.

The Road...I know you mean well, and you've given good advice regarding the exposure. It's just I don't think continuing to beat her over the head with it is helping. And yes, sometimes we do have to break out the 2x4's with some people. But you did that already. Not everyone will just do something blindly without sorting it out first.

It's hard to know exactly what to do when your head is spinning. It's easier for us to see because we've seen it so many times. She hasn't.

There are a lot of people on this board that wished that they had done certain things differently. We are not perfect. For all we know it wasn't God's timing either.....if you believe in that.

Well, LLL has already said that she wants the primary residence, her car, and for her WH to buy her out of the 3rd car and the boat. I'm assuming that she plans to let him have the other home. That is an equal division of joint assets, I think.

LLL IS perfectly entitled to file for divorce.

However, I agree that she should go ahead and expose her WH and Hot Pants NOW. Exposure right now will not affect the equal division of assets.

I think that exposure right NOW, since Hot Pants seems to be terrified of it, is LLL's best option. After all, if the affair is exposed BEFORE LLL files for divorce, then Hot Pants can't claim she and LLL's WH got together AFTER the divorce.

I would definitely smash that precious so-called reputation that Hot Pants thinks she has, and the sooner, the better.

While not a guarantee, it might indeed still bust up the affair, and make it less likely that Hot Pants will get to enjoy living in LLL's other home.

I would not wait any longer on exposure, LLL. Make sure you word it very carefully, so that you do not come across as being vindictive, but do it ASAP. THEN, file for divorce. If you can file on grounds of adultery and name Hot Pants as the OW, it will be a public record of what she is. Two nights of your WH staying overnight at her place is all the evidence you need, I think.

LLL,

While I'm saddened that you see no hope for your marriage after this betrayal and lying about it, I sincerely empathize. In fact, Dr. Harley does, too. Here's what he has to say from the last few minutes of his free Infidelity video:

Exposure before filing for divorce (you can always stop it!) is best, because as someone already said, if you do it before filing, the OW can't say that she and your WH got together after the divorce.

Blow it up in his face, make the affair unattractive to him. Make having OW in his life way too difficult. Shine the light and he'll rage for a bit but he WILL see that it's not a good idea.

Ok...Lady Clueless...help me here. I am thinking I will go ahead and expose. Is this recommended even when I'm done with H? I don't think I have it in me to forgive or go through a long process of bending myself into pretzels to get him back.

I agree OW should not be getting degree or being in profession and H has crossed many lines. Maybe it is my befuddled mind at this point, but who the heck do I expose to besides writing a letter to grant administrators about possible use of funds for other than grant-related purposes? H has no living immediate family. H's colleagues and students already know. My sister knows, otherwise I have no immediate family living. OW has been estranged from her immediate family for a long time according to PI and they live across the country from here. OW has two ex's out of the picture and no children. So, WHO DO I EXPOSE TO THAT DOESN'T ALREADY KNOW????

Just the admins, then. MAke sure to include the phrase "possible lawsuit" when speaking of OW. Does your H have any friends he is close to? Expose to them too.

Oh and prepare for lots of venom when you expose. All WSes fling venom when exposure happens...

Well, here's a problem. The property settlements should be pretty cut and dried, but I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE MY DOGS. In fact, I am going to ask my H if he will sign a separate agreement ASAP that I can have full custody of the dogs. So don't want to make him furious with me till this is done.

Expose to OW's parents (if alive and well). A disappointed mother or father can be best weapon.

There are two things that stood out with your lunch talk. Your WH wants to keep you and the marriage with added benefit of keeping OW - this is typical cakeeating. He's not 100% sure about his stupid decisions. Exposure will help but not in the academic environment but it will put pressure on them and make their A dirty where as it is now for them - it's all roses and doesn't stink.

Gg

Do they have Facebook accounts? Expose to every person on Facebook with a very brief note. It's helpful to print out all the names before you start writing, otherwise once you start sending notes the husband and his affair partner will block you to keep you from seeing who their friends are.

Does your husband use email? Who does he email the most? Expose to those people, using his address book, and a similar letter (or phone call, if you know them, too).

Does your husband call people? Use the telephone numbers on his mobile phone, call each of those people to ask for their advice in how to help your husband see the pain he is causing and persuade him to return to the marriage.

Does your husband have any correspondents? Find their addresses and expose to them.

Does your husband admire any individuals a great deal? Find their phone numbers and ask for their help in convincing your husband to do the right thing.

Does your husband have friends? Confidants? Particularly if they were really good friends in the past but he's grown more distant since starting his affair... those are GREAT people because the affair will shock them into action, remind him of who he used to be, and have enormous influence helping him do the right thing.

LLL, I know that you're doing this exposure for your own reasons... but it's serving two purposes. You can always proceed with the divorce. You're never giving up that chance. But exposure right now is a choice that satisfies your desire to end the affair, and gives the best possibility of recovery as well as those goals you've mentioned.

LLL,

Those proven things brought my husbands affair to an end. It took about 4 months altogether, but it ended.

MB saved my marriage, and gave me the skills to recover it. We are very happy and I have a much better H. And, I am a better wife.

I was remiss in meeting some of his EN's, but that is another story. It was still no excuse for his A.

There are many people here who have recovered their marriages using the MB method.

It doesn't always work, and it is your choice what you want.

I do know that you are being smart about this. And you are very early into this.

Exposure does have a very powerful effect. So does filing for divorce. Your WS is very foggy, and I don't know what will shock him out of it. I do know he would be very angry at exposure and could be gaslighting you about no one at his work caring. Your marriage can survive his anger, but not his affair if it keeps up. Are you concerned about him losing his career and financial stability if you expose?

It sounds like you are very independent, and you and your WS have had your finances mostly separate for a long time. Did you do a lot of things together?

Of course you will make your own decisions, I am just throwing a few things out there for you to ponder.

Anyway, I am starting to ramble. You have had quite a few people post to you that have recovered their marriages.

Best of luck to you. I really wish you the best and can see you have a very level head.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Expose LLL. It is the right thing to do. You don't want the man that your WH is right now. You do love the man he was. Exposure may bring him back. He will first get very, very angry and tell you that you have ruined any chance that your M ever had. If that is true, you are mentally and financially prepared for it. If it brings your DH back it will have been very worth it.

As for your dogs, he has already deserted them. Just keep them. I am no attorney but I doubt he has a legal leg to stand on.

Hotpants deserves to be exposed. She is a predator as is your BH. Save others from him.

God's Blessings,

say

LLL, even though you are planning to divorce your WH, I would send the letter as though I wanted to save my marriage.

"Dear So-sand-so,
WH is having an adulterous affair with Miss Hot Pants, one of his students. This has been extremely painful for me, and I would appreciate anything you can do to encourage WH to do the right thing and stop committing adultery. If you can offer me any advice, please do so."

To the head honcho at the university (and be sure to cc to all the board members and other higher ups so it won't be as likely to be swept under the rug), I would say,

"Dear Mr. So-and-so,

I have learned that WH and his student, Miss Hot Pants, are engaging in an adulterous affair.

Such an improper relationship can have very negative consequences for the university, particularly if they are engaging in adulterous behavior on university property, where other students may become concerned about the advantage Miss Hot Pants may gain from committing adultery with her professor. It may also have a negative effect on the university's access to Federal grants, since such monies may have already been used to finance this affair.

Given the policies against such wrongful conduct, I would like to know exactly what you and the university pland to do about my WH's and his student committing adultery.

Sincerely, Mrs. LLL"

Others may be able to write you a better and more effective letter, but something along those lines are what I would send.

As for your dogs, keep them otu of sight as much as possible, don't mention them, don't let your WH know that you want them so much, and keep your WH too busy trying to cover his butt to worry about them.

ARe the dogs registered? If so, in whose names are they registered? If they're in your name, they are legally yours.

Oh..and there used to be a poster here who exposed his Nurse WW's affair with a doctor to the hospital. The hospital did nothing about the affair, and the poster later won a settlement from the hospital. He was in Mississippi. He also had an alienation of affection suit against the doctor. The doctor is now sitting in prison after being arrested for soliciting the murder of the BS.

If you watched the Today Show a year or so ago, there was an affair couple (with an OC born during her marriage to the BS) on the show who were appealing the awarding of punitive damages in an alienation suit to the Supreme Court. The BS won the lawsuit in Mississippi, and the Supreme Court refused to hear it.

You might now want to waste your time suing Hot Pants, since she likely doesn't have the money. The OM in the Mississippi case was a millionaire.

However, I thought it was very interesting that the former MB poster won a settlement from the hospital where his FWW and the OM worked. Yes, she is now a FWW, even though he did divorce her and gain sole custody of their young child. Last I heard, she was completely remorseful and they were recovering very well!

The Road, I have to say that I am appalled by what you are writing to LLL. I can't figure out why you are so angry. I can't see one thing this woman has done which would trigger such criticism. It's like blaming a rape victim. I believe that we here at MB should support one another. Now if she were to allow her H to cake-eat indefinitely that would be another story and she would need to be confronted honestly. She is in a tough place and should be thinking of her financial life if she Ds her H. I'm sure you're a great person but I don't get it!

LLL, I totally understand wanting the dogs. I decided if my H wouldn't end his A I was getting our dog no matter what. Listen, if you decide to expose, do it and then go very dark. Let your H see what it's like to have total free access to the skank. Even if everyone knows, you didn't know. So let it be out in public. Affairs breed in the moldy darkness. Let him get a good taste of life with her and without you.

Finally, I said the Serenity Prayer about a 100 times a day for months after d-day. Control what you can and then let go of the rest. If your H comes around and you can repair the damage with him, fine. If not, you are better off without him. Just realize it takes a while for these WSs to get out of the A.

Sending a hug!

You keep rolling over on this age thing - 53 is not old. But it should give you pause about jumping into the dating pool.

Very few "attractive" men out there in that age group who are available. I'm talking "soul" here - heart, mind and body attractive.

Now - guys - don't get offended. I'm a woman; therefore I am paying attention to the behavior of men. I'm certain that EVERY case I make here about men can be said for women. So all risks being equal, Mr. or Ms. Perfect isn't out there!

The guy/gal you choose as a replacement for a wayward spouse, could be worse in terms of meeting emotional needs once you've taken your vows, and could also be unfaithful, carrying diseases, etc.

There are risks.

There's some credence to the idea of better the devil you know or no devil at all, than the devil you don't know.

I work in an office that is dominated by men. Since it's sales, a lot of these men are peacocks in terms of personality. You get to studying people and you'll find that the risks of cutting yourself loose in a hurry just because of your age are pretty meaningless.

I've hung out with guys most of my life in the work sense of the term. Farming - guys. Rock band - guys. Psychiatry and psychology - guys. Self-improvement and actualization profession? - guys. Sales - guys. From the time I was in the band, I've been paying attention to how guys treat women and how they talk about women. And pretty much concluded that they're all carrying some kind of issue that is going to sneak up and unpleasantly surprise a woman. Those flaws can't be hidden forever.

And since they don't come out in the courtship/dating routine, you take a very big risk ever getting involved with someone.

There's also something to be said for the fact that there will be pain in recovery or pain in divorce, equal but different. The struggle to heal and trust ANYONE will be a part of your personal journey.

Therefore, contemplating reconciliation with a wayward has some merits. You have all the time in the world to get a divorce, but only now to put things in motion for a possible recovery.

I would have your divorce attorney understand that your priority for now is a postnup agreement, awarding a division of property and the dogs according to your wishes. Your attorney can also sit him down with the PI findings on OW. Just so it isn't you telling him.

Then have a cooling off period where the locks on the house are changed, and he has your plan b letter and you go dark, working on healing your heart with or without him.

Before you go dark though, you must expose OW's lack of true academic credentials in your industry - just the facts. Do this while you are still married, because it bears the weight of truth, not vengeance.

Then Plan B. You may read up on some of the success stories here. Mimi comes to mind. She doesn't post anymore, but her story is worth it's weight in gold. She sold the house while in Plan B. She did everything to move on emotionally before actually severing the ties, and now enjoys the benefits of a fully recovered marriage.

SexyMamaBear and TST - wife and husband. Also fully recovered, and both post here. And I was one of the ones chanting "divorce his ***" because TST was to me, beyond recovery. Yet, they recovered, because TST didn't STAY wayward.

There are signals of true recovery from waywardness. Words don't cut it.

You have the mojo to thrive no matter what. But I'd recommend the most that you get on the phone with Steve Harley and work out a plan with him. He will give you the best possible chance at personal recovery whether or not your marriage recovers. Because you will have more skills to spot a fraud, and be the best you can be.

You may be set on divorcing but logically, there is NO reason to rush. If you are rushing, okay....your choice.

But

Don't try to outguess Hot Pants. Whatever you think she is up do...you may be a bit off of in reality. Who cares about her. She is a symptom not the actual problem.


Meanwhile, you can meet with lawyers and pick your fave and plan for legal separation or divorce down the road. You can divorce now but as you said, your emotions (ego/taker) is too involved and you are RE-ACTING and not responding to the situation.

What you are going through is what each of us went through at first. No fun. Not a bit. Uhuh...nope.

Hugs.

Plan A for now while getting your ducks in a row. Follow the plan and eventually, at the logical, proper time you can strike a legal separation or divorce.

What really IS the rush?! Rushing is not logical.

Imagine that you are living the same life you did a few days before discovering the affair and you were the same person, age, etc.

BTW...I want to think 53 isn't old. You are younger and prettier now than you ever will be again. Enjoy your age. Oooooh lala! You are hot stuff. You are. (It is all in the mind anyway). Take this time to be the healthiest, most attractive you that you can be. It is what you need for any future anyway (with or without your H).

And I have been looking at men in there 50s lately to see what is out there potentially in the future. Some are pretty darn cute and nice and decent seeming (lol.....I know the potential for secret lives of perversion.....yikes). I am expanding my own observations to ages 40-59 for reference.