Trying to keep the relation talk light.... We are seeing a marriage counselor and I have been reading HNHN. I mentioned it to her and about the "quizes". She said we can go through the quizes when she comes over Friday night. Other than that I have tried to keep the talk off our relationship as much as possible. I did ask last night about the marriage workshop, and the counselor wants us to set some goals. I.E. by the end of the month, I show her that I'm helping around the house. Kind of a stupid goal, seeing she's not living in the house right now and I have to take care of everything. Funny thing is, the house has never been cleaner. She used to make a mess in the kitchen when she cooked, would leave dishes in the sink for days before putting them in the dish washer. I cleaned the kitchen (actually the entire house) before she came back from Oklahoma. Even with all the cooking I've been doing, there's never a dish in the sink. This was one of her issues with me though, that I wasn't helping out around the house enough. I used to do a majority of the cooking, 'cause I love to cook, but I lost interest in it when I started slipping into depression. I'm starting to enjoy cooking again, keeping the house clean has always been a pet peeve of mine.

The only other problem I really have with my wife is that she is addicted to World of Warcraft. Granted I used to play all the time with her, and I realized that this was part of the problem in our marriage. I've stopped playing about a month and half ago, but she still can't get enough of it. Probably because OM plays too (which is where they met).

Just curious here. WW's birthday is coming up as well as Valentine's day. Should I just be acting "normal" and buy her gifts and take her out like I usually do? Go away for the weekend (though I don't think she'll agree to it right now)? The following weekend is the marriage workshop in Nashville, so I doubt I'll doubt she'll want to spend two weekends in a row with me. Plus I'm pretty sure that's the weekend OM is planning to visit.

These are perfect opportunities to hone your Plan A skills.

The more you can separate her from OM, the more chance you have to be the best H you can be. Just don't expect her to reciprocate.

OK, so is time for me to implement plan B or continue with Plan A?

Recieved the following text from WW (see Need help quick ansering text from WW ):

"What bothers me Is that you are choosing to believe that my feelings for OM aren't real instead of the possibility that they are real theres a chance I would choose happiness that I feel with OM over the happinness we've shared. I want the chance to meet andrew in person and see if the feeling we shared via phone/aim/txt is real when in person. Or if its just a cover feelings that I've lost from you and our marriage. And I can't determine that unless I meet him face to face, or I will always be wondering what if. I don't expect you to undertand any of this, I'm just trying to express my honest feelings with you on what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling."

She is smoking WaywardCrack(tm). Her feelings about OM aren't relevant. She shouldn't be having feelings for ANYONE but her husband as long as the two of you are married.

Don't want to be married? Then get out and THEN start seeing/dating OM.

She's being totally selfish and immature.

Plan A her until you're done. Or if you're done, make sure you have Plan B ready to go before you implement.

When you receive fog-babble from your WW, you should either reverse-babble, or don't respond at all. Don't give her babble "life" by turning into a point of conversation.

Your response:
Hey, that reminds me, I got the new compost kit in the mail today that I ordered. I'll put it together when I get home today.

In other words, do NOT discuss relationship. Period. Offer her a cookie every time she tries to justify.

Plan B letter First Draft (borrowed some from others on the forums):

My Dearest WW,
This is the hardest letter I�ve ever had to write, because I love you so much. I remember the weekend we spent in the Hocking Hills, where we were so happy and in love. The way you smile at me melts my heart and your beautiful blue eyes burn deep in to my soul. I have and always will believe in you, you are the most amazing person I have ever met. It pains me now that I must make this difficult decision.
I�ve been sick for the last year or so without knowing it and this illness has caused me to say and do things that were hurtful to you. I wish I knew what was going on with me sooner so I could have gotten help and kept you from the pain I caused. I also neglected to take into consideration your needs, because as they changed I was unaware of what they now were. I failed to keep the lines of communication open with you so that I could better understand what was needed in our marriage. For all this I am truly sorry.
This past month for me has been such an eye opener and an emotional roller coaster for me. I learned that I was suffering from depression and then as I started to seek treatment you tell me you�re leaving me for another man. I have learned so much about myself and our marriage over these past weeks and I am making permanent changes to myself, and I have no doubt in my mind that we can rebuild a new and better marriage together.
It is with a heavy heart that I must now tell you that I can no longer support this affair. I�m asking that you refrain from contacting me through all lines of communication (e-mail, phone, text messages or instant messaging). I have spoken with Priest XXXXX and he has agreed to serve as an intermediary for us. Please direct any correspondence through Priest XXXXX and I will let him determine what information to pass on to me. During this time of healing, I cannot support you financially as that would relay the idea that I support your affair. Please remove my name from all your credit card accounts. The money in the joint account is yours to do with as you please. As for your remaining belongings in the house, please send me an e-mail detailing the items you wish to have and I will have them packed and ready to go on a date that we both agree upon. As for your cell phone, please obtain your own contract and a new phone and return the phone you now possess so that I can give it to DD. Please make sure to reset the phone, deleting all contacts, text messages, pictures, etc.
When you are ready to recover our marriage, you only need to end the affair, never contact him again and call me to let me know the affair is over. We can talk about the details of our recommitment then.
It is my sincere hope that someday we will be able to start a new marriage, one that will bloom and blossom into something great. I want us to be able to meet each other�s needs so that we can both enjoy the bliss that comes with a great love. I love you and I always will and I want to restore our marriage into something better than we ever dreamed about. When you are ready to come home, I will welcome you home with open arms and forgiveness.
Love,
TresMal

Seems good.

I'm still not ready for Plan B emotionally, but I'm trying to get prepared in case I have go down that road. OM's parents (he's 19) should get the letter today, guaranteed delivery by noon. Though it is a PO Box, so they may not get it till tonight or tomorrow, depending on when they check their box. There's no guarantee that I tracked down the right people either. Crossing fingers and praying.

We talked with one of our priests last night, and for the third time since this started she started to cry. The first time was after we watched the movie Fireproof (a good movie for those having marital issues), the second time was Monday night when she told me that she does miss me, but wasn't ready to come home. I'm not sure it's a good sign that she's starting to cry in front of me or not, she's been so stoic when we're together not showing much emotion. She said last night the she wasn't happy, which I understand this last year has been hard on both of us. Mostly due to depression on both our sides. The problem is she refuses to see that as the symptom to our unhapiness, even though we've talked about how happy we were before the depression started. I know I shouldn't be talking to her about our relationship and I don't unless we're at the MC or with our Priest.

Your not ready then don't.

Recap when and who did you expose?

Her parents, my parents, my sister, our priest, OM and a few friends. I sent overnighted a letter to OM's parents (hes 19 wife will be 29 in a couple weeks) yesterday.

I just don't know if I can handle this much longer. I can barely get any work done, because I keep having to leave my desk to find a place to cry (one of the side effects of Cymbalta - Exessive Crying). I don't know if its the side effects or if its that emotional for me. I've never been one to cry, in seven years of marriage this is the only other time my wife has seen me cry, the last time was at my grandmother's funeral.

Just got a call from the post office...The P.O. box address is not valid. Gave them the street address that came up. Hopefully they still live there.

Changed some of my search criteria and found Daddy's e-mail address. He's a teacher at the high school OM graduated from.

Great first draft.
I'd make it shorter, because waywards have the attention span of a flea. Plus you want to emphasize
1) Your love for her
2) The need to protect that love
3) A path back home

Anything else is noise and confuses WW.

I'd put the stuff I colored green into an attachment. It's good that you're settling out the finances and how she'll get her stuff. You might also want to put a visitation schedule in the attachment too. Otherwise that's just an excuse for her to contact you.

The letter is very good.

Please stick to one thread so we can follow you and your full story.

Your WW is living a fantasy.

She is craving attention and this kid has been giving it to her.

Your exposure is key to turning things around.

You are separated right now. I recommend you go to Plan B.

Think long and hard about your daughter. Protect her from the drama that a dragged out Plan A would have on her. Standing up for yourself and your self respect will say a lot for your daughter.

I recommend you fully expose and go to Plan B.

Visitation? I'm assuming your talking about my daughter. She's from my first marriage, not my WW. I'm torn about keeping my daughter closed off from WW, 'cause her biological mom was horrible to her, which is why she came to live with us. She sees WW as more of a mother than her biological mom.

Right now, we have a "visitation" schedule between me and her. This was the MC's idea. She comes over Monday, Friday, Sunday and then we see each other at church on Wednessday.

I know she's living in a fantasy (as well as angry at me). I'm hoping Daddy reads his e-mail and does something on his end, but there's no guarantee there. Right now I'm not emotionally ready for Plan B, however I'm thinking of going with a modified plan B, until I'm emotionally ready. Right now, she's living in the Extended Stay hotel. She wanted an apartment before she came back and I talked her into the Extended Stay, hoping she would come back home within a couple weeks. I was wrong. I'm thinking of telling her to go get the apartment and split off the finances, i.e. she gets her own phone, pays her own rent, utilities, car payment, medical bills, etc.
She's going to be just barely scraping buy, if not in the negative.

I have one problem with Plan B, or question I guess. We both are active members of our church. After Plan B is initiated, do just avoid her at church and church functions? I don't think either one of us is willing to give up our faith for the other.

Go to worship at different times.