My wife told me that she has been seeing another man for a month. She says she is in love with us both she thinks but not sure it is love with him or just infatuation. I asked her to break it off with him but she still wants to keep him as just friends. I am not to comfortable with that I feel that if they went that far they could never be just friends.

I guess an open marriage is not what it is cracked up to be. If you two want to bang other people, you should just divorce and play the field. Marriage is not for either of you.

Which part of "forsaking all other until death do you part" did you not understand?

It had worked this way for 20 years just this last time did it not. Mostly because of her feelings after the surgury unless you know what that is like you do not have a clue.

our relationship is one that people like you dont understand. And are very closed minded about marriage your way is the old way obsolete. Get into the new age if you can

A2010, I understand totally. I don't think that open marriages are part of any "new age" though. But my question is, why marry? What is your definition of marriage?

If you already know that people like those on this board do not understand your "relationship", why have you come here to talk to us about it?

If you know we are very "closed minded" about marriage - and this is a site dedicated to building traditional marriages, so "closed-mindedness" is completely to be expected - why come here?

Are you having a laugh?

Open marriages have an astronomical high failure rate. This is because eventually one of the spouses gets overly emotionally invested in one of the extra marital partners.

However, what is done is done.
If you want to save your M it may be possible, but you will have to convert it to a traditional M or this will happen again.

Are you willing to do that?

I dont like to be criticized about how I handled our relationship I guess because you dont know our circumstances. I had always traveled alot and sometimes be gone from home for 9-10 months at a time. Our relationship was a very intimate one and I wanted her to always be happy and not have to go out and look for someone else. Unless you are away from your spouse that long and for as many years as we were you would not know how to handle it. All I asked here is how should I handle the special friend. Was I being unresonable to ask her to break it off with him or just let them be together. She mean more to me than my own life. I have proven that to her by trying to commit sucide.

Two very close friends of mine were in an open marriage. They were married for 22 1/2 years. The agreement was that "just sex" was fine, as long as they not get emotionally entangled with their "playmates".

Then the wife fell in luuuuuvvvvv with one of her affair partners. The husband said it's him or me. She put a .357 through his head and did her best to cover it up. The cops figured it out in a couple of days and now she's in prison and not coming back.

So how's that modern open marriage working out for you?

I was *this* close to writing a kindly response until I got to this:
Surely you must see the craziness of this statement?? I'm sorry Alabama. I'm probably one of the most open-minded people on this board but if you are of the mindset that you show your love by trying to kill yourself, there is no advise under the sun that will penetrate your skull. You think you're open-minded?? Not unless you count the open gaps your common sense is leaking from.

You asked why marry why does anyone marry? We were and still are deeply in love she has said that she was confused and lonely since we were so far apart. Even though we would meet once a month and talk all the time on the phone or text each other. Like I had said she did not get all these mixed feelings until she had her surgury she then changed alot she was depressed alot and did not know what she wanted. She has said that sex means nothing to her anymore she dont care if she does or not. So that was not the issue for her finding someone else.

A2010, here's why an open M cannot work. And I am not talking morals here. I am not judging you here.

As individuals, we all have emotional needs (EN's). When an individual allows their ENs to be filled by another person, it causes a them to feel "in love" with that person.

Now, the problem with your open M is that sex (SF) is one of the EN's. In fact, for many people, it may be their #1 need. In an open M, you allow another man to fill your W's EN for SF. Most likely, due to the intimate nature of SF, he is filling her other EN's as well. As a result, the chemical reactions in her brain creates the "in love" feeling for her.

That is exactly what has happened here.

It has nothing to do with her surgery. I think you are using that as a deflection of what the real problem is here. As I mentioned above, you let her emotional needs be met by another man, so she "got that lovin' feelin'" for him.

Well?

Are you?



I can tell you a little secrete about that, and why it's bad for everyone, but you would have to actually listen and not take as a stab at you.

OK, but why MARRY? Marriage involves vows (forsaking all others) etc. In this day and age, you can live together. Oh wait, you didn't even do that.

It is like you are coming into a dog obedience forum after having practiced non-traditional training techniques and complaining that your dog is ill behaved. When folks tell you your non-traditional methods are not working and encourage you to follow traditional (i.e. proven) methodology you tell the forum "you don't understand."

You are right. We don't understand your methods. We do understand the Harley techniques and will help you every step of the way to implement them and achieve an amazing marriage.

If you are not here to learn the Marriage Builder concepts, then you are in the wrong place. If you want to learn the concepts and implement them in order to transform your marriage and your life, then you will have to make some changes in how you've always done things.

The first of those changes is: In a healthy marriage, you should spend at least 15 hours per week with your spouse. This 15 hours is to be spent ONLY with your spouse (not with friends, children, etc.) and you should both be focused on meeting each other's emotional needs (ENs) during that time. Marriages in crisis need to spend more time in this manner.

If she means more to you than your own life, why do you spend so much time apart? One day you will look back on your life and realize you spent all your energies pursuing endeavors other than being with, and pleasing, your wife. How will that feel?

Well?

Hello?

Can you hear me now?

Methinks I smell a troll.

Maybe not, lets see what develops from this.