I've never felt so... applauded. Thanks, Pep!

One more thing occurred to me... part of our recent and radical transformation was due to taking 2 hours to have Dr. Harley teach us the Ten Basic Concepts via DVD, rather than just reading it here on the web site. It's concise, it's abbreviated versus what you get here, but it WORKS.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_basicsdvd.html

Go spend $16 (including shipping) and get one for yourself. It's totally worth it to watch together once or twice while trying to rebuild.

Pat

Get WW a new cell phone with GPS and a new number. Block OM's calls.

WW making a good start.

Now stay calm. Next thing is to get WW in job away from the OM and without travel.

Patriot,

I applaud the developments. I believe you've handled everything great so far.

Now, this might sound contradictory from what I told you before, but I do encourage you to find a way to make this work. Your kids deserve the attempt and the effort.

She seems open to getting feedback on how to move forward. Get the books and get her onboard the MB plan and I hope you can make it work.

Best of luck.

We'll, yesterday was quite a day. After she called me in the morning, of course he continued to try and contact her. Each time she would call me and tell me what was happening, or forward me the text. She told him (voice and text) that it was over so on and so on. When she went to the airport to get her flight, lo and behold D-head had changed his flight to be on the same plane. She was calling me from the airport to tell me what was going on. Evidently, he approached her several times, telling her how in love he was and how sorry that they had that terrible fight. Well, I was filled in about the REAL nature of this relationship and all it entailed. Seems he had a live in girlfriend that he was "going to leave". She evidently contacted this girl after there big blow out and it was on. I guess the hotel security had to come up it became so disruptive and she had to get another room. So I know he is still contacting her and she says it's all over, no chance so on, but If it was so, why not block him and why respond? I said if it's over and he's sending you these texts and stuff, forward them to his girlfriend. She said "I don't want to escilate this". i.e I'm not ready to end this. I know that it will take time and all, but with the stories I am now getting about this guy I am blown away that she was with him. He was doing drugs, (she never has) and he evidently had a temper which came out of nowhere. She told me a couple weeks ago he exploded for no reason and yesterday was particurally ugly. When she landed in Dallas last night, her flight had such a long delay, that she had to rent a car and she drove home (3hrs).She talked to me the entire time and I more or less listened to what she said about how he wasn't who she thought he was and this was all sureal and wrong. That she was sorry about all this and that. How she wanted time to work on us. But the thing was when she would say it's over with him the reason she would give is we are "toxic together". Funny response. She did say she has lost herself, didn't know why she was doing this stuff and all and I think she believed what she was sying, but I don't think it will last. When she came home, she walked in the door and said I'm tired and I just want to go to bed. So we talked until she got in the driveway, then she walks in the door and goes to bed. I think that goes to your comment about wanting to be with me when she's away, and him when she's here. Now my question is how/when to broach the subject of trust and the opening of records. I know she is going to resist, but it's a deal breaker. How do you get past that? If she says no, then what? Ask her to move out? When (obviously soon) do you mention this? Do I wait 1-2 days? She is opening up, but still very raw and I know this will set off a whole new round of crap, but she is going to have to let me see those records to move forward.

Get her on the phone with Jennifer Chalmers ASAP, like today!

Jennifer can help her sort things out.

Who?

Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers. Dr. Harley's daughter, and one of the counselors here at Marriage Builders.

Dr Harley's daughter. She does phone counseling. Click on the Counseling Center tab at the top of the page.

Set your bar high Patriot!

God's Blessings,


Say

Contact the Coaching center.

I put the link below.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel2.html

Pat, I really am routing for you two! But if you've read the articles here, you DO realize that, as the BS, YOU will be the one doing the "heavy lifting" in the R until she is de-fogged. If fact, Dr. Harley recommends that the BS might need to medicate, as she most likely will not be ready to fill your Love Bank yet. She was a drug addict who now has had her crack pipe taken away, and she will go through withdrawal. She may still say some bad things like "I don't know if I can get that in-love feeling with you" or "I miss POSOM." Remember, waywards all use the same script! She will have to do the heavy lifting in the R soon enough.

Oh, and get yourselves tested for STD's a.s.a.p.

this is important - she needs to be upfront about protection -

good grief - the one thing this stitch does not need is an OC pregnancy

Wekk, after I wnt to work this morning, she called hystericle asking me to come home, that she didn't want to be alone. So I leave work, rush home and WTF, she is cold and acting like I shouldn't be here. Then she starts rationalizing her fight with A-hole and how it was her fault and blah blah blah. I sat here and did as they say, I listened and supported her and didn't say anyhing judgemental but my cheeks are now numb from biting them. The only thing I said in relation to that was you said yesterday it was all over, so why does it matter. Her response: I didn't say that, what I said was it was going no where and we're toxic together. I am sick to my stomach. Then she brings up moving to Houston again. I know this is a process, but obviously she is not done with this guy. She will contact him again and she will see him again. I have read the book and all about Sue, Greg and Jon and I know myself, there is NO way I could last that long. It's been two days and I'm sick. The resentment she has right now is palpable. You all have been dead on till now, but how this is going to work I'm not sure.

Between the time she called you, and the time you got home, she contacted OM, or HE contacted her. One or the other, but contact was made.

This is the first day of the crack addict going with out the crack pipe. The drunk starting the DTs.

Withdrawal is setting in. The DRAMA at the airport, his explosive temper, all tend to keep his memory fresh in her mind. So the FOGBABBLE spews forth and she called you home to hear it.

You did good. If she can keep the no contact in force she can weather this storm. Can you INSIST that she block him from her cell and computer?

HE SOUNDS LIKE A STALKER AT THE AIRPORT. Can YOU get a restraining order on the LOW LIFE??

Stay strong brother...maybe get a mouth guard to protect your cheeks.

kirk

@patriot45:

Remember your basic requirements for recovery. Learn to state them unequivocally but lovingly:

1. That she commit to never see or speak to the other man for the rest of her life. This includes extraordinary precautions to prevent contact.
2. That she commit to complete transparency with you, including all passwords and means of communication.
3. That she commit to a marital recovery program with you (preferably MarriageBuilders).

That's it. That's your "bar" that people keep saying to "set high". Those are demands, unfortunately, but they should be the only demands you'll be issuing to her for the rest of your life.

And yeah, contact is ongoing. That's why she's vacillating. Good job restraining your Love Busters... you'll need it. See if you can get a coaching appointment ASAP. It's totally worth the $195, and I've outlined earlier in my thread what my appointment was like.

She has flipped out, totally driven by her desire for the OM. protect yourself and get a voice recorder. She is liable to accuse you of anything.

I have no idea how anyone could tolerate this abuse. Sorry she is doing this to you.

Well, there is no way to block a cell call. You're right about the addict part and if it was just a matter of riding out the withdrawls, I think I could stand it. But if she goes back to him, how does one get over that. Then (and I know it's soon) wouldn't plan B be the next logical step? Problem here is, she is not going to leave and I won't leave the kids with her. She cannot care for them because of travel and such, so how do I get her out short of a divorce. This Houston thing has me a bit worried, because if she goes there, there is no travel and then she would have a better case for custody. I just think the courts would have a problem with her mental state, her spending and the obvious instability. But I'm not a lawyer and stranger things have happened.