I am 100% sure she is going to file, she talked it over with her entire family and they are paying for the lawyer.

how can I not discuss divorce? thats all she is going to be talking about. She may not even discuss it and just give me the papers by surprise one day, (which is what i expect).

Jonpen,

It's expected that she'd blow up and say she's going to divorce you. All WS do that when exposed. You can see exactly the same reaction of other WS after exposure in numerous threads of this forum. Her fantasy is being destroyed and she's just having a tantrum. Don't listen to what she has to say. It's just noise.

Don't talk to her about divorce. Just say that you don't talk about divorce and go to another room. Don't go stay at a friends. She may change locks and get you out of the house. Don't promise her anything about custody or abandonment. Don't dignify her divorce aspirations by entertaining such deals. You just don't talk about divorce.

Keep busting the A. Once you kill the A you are going to have a much better chance to turn things around. Stick to plan A and continue to put pressure on the A. Stay strong my friend.

--ElCamino72

Is there a history of adultery and divorce in your WW's family?

God's Blessing'S

Say

You just don't talk about D. Everytime she brings up the subject change it or say "I don't talk about divorce" and change the subject. Like a broken record. If she gets abusive just go to another room.

Like everybody says around here: your M can survive her anger but not the A.

Don't worry about what she and her relatives may or may not do. That's out of your control. Just keep your eyes open and your ears close to the ground to watch their moves.

After the dust settles and the OM is out of the picture she may not even go through with the D.

--ElCamino72

You do what you can to get a lawyer, and you get her for abandonment if she files. I don't care what you promised her. She promised to spend the rest of her life with you and not sleep with other men. You shouldn't be the only one bound to what you say.

That being said, IF THERE IS NO AFFAIR, THERE IS NO REASON FOR HER TO DIVORCE. I thought my wife was going to file, but she never did. Waywards always blow up at exposure. It usually dies down after a couple of weeks. Just avoid relationship talk right now and try to keep from freaking out. Your WW is a emotional basketcase right now. She doesn't know what she'll do 10 minutes from now.

ok guys, my wife may not be a good wife, but she is a VERY good mother. The other guy is out, after his wife found out he told my WS that he was done it's over no more contact.
She was obviously devistated and after she exploded and went off on me, she came back 2 hours later and apologized for being so hurtful and angry, but said she does still want a divorce and wants to be civil. I said I will only do what I legally have to because I don't want the divorce.
I am not going to get her for abandonment or even try to fight her at all. I will get half of everything if she goes through with it and again only what I'm legally forced to do. Truly I am actually at peace and happy right now because I will be ok either way.
If I can't save our marriage (and i will try for however long it takes), then oh well I lost the love of my life but also lost a lying cheater at the same time. I am having tons of fun now that I moved back home playing with the kids. I took them to the playground today and she almost came but decided to take a nap instead. So whats my next move?

oh and saynomore yes, I am the ONLY man in the family. She has her mamaw (husband passed away) her mom commited adultry and is divorced, and has had around 5 BF's since her divorce but that was 13 years ago. Her aunt which has helped us SO much financially and helping my WS emotionally is not married. She has 2 younger sisters also, so 6 females and me that live within half a mile of one another, now can you see what I'm up against?

Just continue what you are doing. Be the best you that you can be. Be the man she fell in love with and create a home and family environment that is impossible for her to walk away from. Walk the walk. Show her that you have changed and if she still walks away, you have become a better person and a better father.

God's Blessings,

Say

I can. Show them all how a man that loves his W and children honors his vows. At some point you may be able to talk with your WW about the fact that having an intact family whose mom and dad have worked hard to learn to love each other would be the very best thing for your kids. I know that things seem hopeless tonight but exposure has killed the A. She is justifying her adultery by saying that the M was over before the A and she still wants a divorce. You have a chance now to save your M. Go for it.

God's Blessing's,

Say

Her family thinks I am just being desperate and clinging to hope when there is none by moving back in and cleaning the house and being really nice to my wife. which I don't bring her gifts or anything like that just ask her "would you like something to eat?" or "how was your day at work?" I am still fairly certain she will file for D but thats ok if she does, I'm expecting it and will deal with that when it comes but now I am back in the house with my kids and enjoying MY HOME.

The person you originally married may be a very good mother. But your WW is not. She has endangered the well being of your children by engaging in an A. Your kids can be severely affected by her actions. That's not what a good mother would do. Stop justifying her actions.

Great. Don't stop snooping though. She might still try to re-establish the A. She'll be in withdrawal for a while since she lost the fix for her addiction. Expect her to be in an ugly mood for quite a while. Just be there for her until she gets better.

Don't fall into the "civil divorce" trap. My WW tried that on me and I erroneously went for it. Don't make that mistake. She might try to glorify D by saying you are going to do whats best for your kids. Stay strong. Just say you don't talk about divorce. I made a lot of mistakes in regards to the divorce threats including LBs. The best solution in my case was to divert any D conversation.


Again, you're better off avoiding conversations about D. Make no mistake, D is ugly so don't put yourself in a position of disadvantage. If it comes to it, you'd be going to war. You are going to have to fight or you'd be eaten alive. So forget about the being nice mentality when it comes to D.

You might want to do a free consultation with a lawyer. Try to find one in your area that will do the initial meeting free of cost.

Be at peace and happy but stay guarded. You'll be a better person regardless of the outcome.

Keep doing that. It will keep you sane. Your kids need you so be there for them.

OKAY. Forget about what you think she will do. You will be surprised that the vets on here have seen this MANY MANY MANY times before. Don't listen to what she is saying. AGAIN it is FOG BABBLE. That is an alien language that is spoken on Planet Affair and although it sounds a lot like english, it is NO WHERE close. Here on MB we have interpreters that can translate FOG-BABBLE in to english for you IF YOU WOULD JUST LISTEN.

You have a PLAN now STICK WITH IT. What you do is Plan A. Even if she files for D and serves you with the papers, it doesn't mean it is over. Dr H has even counseled people who were M and got a quick D and then want to R. Don't give up.

Agree with Scotland. Do not mind her reaction or her relatives. Keep in mind that you and your kids are her family so forget about her relatives.

Their actions are not under your control. But you do have control of your actions. Choose to be a better man. So make the necessary changes with Plan A and demonstrate with actions what a good husband you are. That is going to benefit you no matter what the outcome of this situation turns out to be.

She doesn't have a plan. She is just reacting. But you my friend have the advantage of having a plan and this is the time to execute it. Keep up plan Aing and be consistent. Your chances are going to be much better if you stay within the plan.

I made a lot of mistakes in the first few months after D-Day before I found MB. It cost me dearly. It wasn't until I really bought into MB that I was able to get a grip of the emotional roller coaster.

Again, stick to the plan. Stay calm, be strong. Listen to what the pros around here have to say. Man up and fight for your family. Make it happen.

--ElCamino72

I will be sticking to plan A the entire time.
I KNOW she is going to file. She said I am in denial that the D is coming because everytime she mentions D I divert the conversation.

Good on you, Jonpen. Keep up the Plan A, meet her emotional needs as best you can (and you better know what those are by now!), avoid Love Busters, be Radically Honest about yourself with her as much as possible (except about your snooping, but you know that), ensure she's the only one to meet your needs, hold out hope...

Three weeks. To six months. That's the withdrawal time for your spouse. You can't do very much to make Love Bank deposits, but you sure as heck can avoid big withdrawals. Be available. Be compassionate. Be her lighthouse.

You can show her the way home despite her stubborn refusal to fix the marriage she destroyed.

FOGGY BABBLEY BOO

Listen up again. You are doing a great job. This is how she was going to react. This is what you want. If she had done NOTHING that would have been very bad. You got a rise out of her, don't get scared. It means that what you are doing is getting through the fog. Good, put pressure on her A.

It is perfectly okay for you to figure out what is your legal rights if she were to file for D. You can talk to an attorney so you have the knowledge you need to not worry about this any longer.

It will also help you in case you have to go to Plan B. Plan A is not a be all end all. It should have a time limit. You aren't close to that yet and there is a chance that Plan A will be enough for your sitch.

Jon,

Many BS were POSITIVE that their WS was going to file and.....they didn't. Just plan-A your butt off and enjoy the situation being home with your kids. Her mom had multiple boyfriends in not many years. Is that the life that you want for your children. Fight this by being the best husband and father that you can be.

Fill out the emotional needs questionaire the way that you think that she would and do your very best to fill those needs. You have managed to make her laugh a few times in the last 24 hours in the very worst of circumstances.

Don't lead her to believe that you will roll over when it comes to custody. Given her family history, you will want to have joint custody at the very least.

God's Blessing's,

Say

So Doormat (or any other Vet), When she does file for divorce what do i do? I will stick with plan A until I am legally forced out of this house. And right now she is saying "If nothing else we will agree on joint custody" "I want you to finish school and I will help all I can not for you but so the kids can have a better life" These are things she is saying but I'm sure when her lawyer says "fight fight! take him for all he has!" because thats what they are paid for, what then? like I said I have 0 income she is only one working because I am in school FT.
She is going to try to have me talk about how were going to split things up, I will avoid ALL D talk until I am served with papers, and then I will ONLY talk about what I HAVE to. I know during a D it's going to be a WAR, no matter what she might want it's going to be whatever the lawyers tell her to do, obviously she is easily influenced.
I like to think in some fantasy world we will agree on everything and it will be painless, but I doubt this is the case. She wouldn't want the kids full custody for many reasons, A: she don't have the time to watch them and I am the only one that can be with them while she is working. B:They do not listen to a word she says, I am the only one that they listen to and it's very stressful to her. C:she knows I am a good father and does not want the kids to not see me all the time. D:her biggest fear is that I will HATE her after this and won't be able to be anywhere near her, she keeps saying she still loves me and cares about meand still wants us to be at the parties etc together.
See my parents and her parents both when they split the father grew apart from the kids because the other had full custody and could not stand to be around the X she hates this more than anything.
I really don't care what else happens but I do want joint custody of the kids and if she does start trying to fight for things I will somehow get a lawyer and fight back HARD.

Jon,

Did you even read my last post? Why don't you start at the beginning of your thread and read ALL of it over. Sometimes that is very helpful.

I think it is also very important to let your WW know that you are interested in recovering your M and will do whatever it takes to do that but she does not need to expect you to remain best friends if she proceeds with this D. Blow up her fantasy of an amicable D and continue to show her what a loving M with you could be like. She is very likely not to ever file.

Read some of the threads here. Many will give you hope. All A's are the same. All waywards follow a script. I did not believe that 2 1/2 years ago. I believe it now.

God's Blessing's,

say