ladylonglegs

Why are you on MB. MB say's expose. You won't. MB says you can't educate a WS you are going to attempt so now.

You don't want help. You do not want to be told that what you need to do. You want to hear that your way is the best way.

Well at least you get to vent here.

Lady Long Legs appears to be an intelligent, articulate, educated woman who has been caught unawares, as we all were and is dealing with this calmly and thoughtfully. She is weighing her options and has been proactive in everything that she has done this week considering that she is in that state of betrayed shock.

Dr Harley does NOT always recommend nuclear exposure. He bases it on the individual case and personalities. Chrysallis reminded us of this a few pages back. Plexie was also "encouraged" here to expose and when she counseled with the Harleys told not to.

LLL is working on her plan and continuing to listen to advice here. She has no idea now what her BH is planning. A conversation could do no harm at this point. She has not rulled out exposure.

Road why are you browbeating her.
God's Blessings,

Say

LLL;

Read all the advice.
Take the steps you deem necessary, when you feel ready. I have read for years and I learn things all the time here.

Have you ordered the Surviving an Affair book? At least you will gain perspective of what it is going to take if you decide to recover.

LLL, before you meet with him today, make a list of questions. Take the list with you and make notes of his answers. It is both a psychological advantage (he will be far more careful about what he chooses to lie about) plus it will keep you focused on your task without getting over-emotional. It's very easy for emotions to get out of control in these situations.

Didn't sleep much last night. I am ready to try to find out where he's at in this mess and if he has already made a final decision on what he is going to do. This limbo is driving me crazy and its not doing my health any good. Have lost 7 pounds in two weeks. I wasn't overweight to start with, so the stress is getting to me. Can't face food much and even my nightly glass of wine is burning my stomach.

I will mainly listen. I am hoping (but not optimistic)he's not so far gone that he can face me honestly and tell me what he wants. I think back to the conversation we had earlier this week when he said we could be friends....gag. If that's all the kind of conversation I get, this will be non-productive. I figure I've got a slim chance this will yield anything positive because he's "under the influence"....

However, I will ask him what he sees as our future if I ever get past the crap he'll probably put out initially. I will tell him that there is a possibility we could put this relationship back together but that there would need to be some basic conditions met such as severing all ties of any kind to Hot Pants, counseling, STD testing, a post-nup contract spelling out all financial split of assets in the event the marriage does not ultimately survive.

I know, I'm talking to someone other than the man I knew before. I guess I just have to try to act like a reasonable adult with him before we go further down this road of craziness.

You are doing great, LLL. I did not find MB until a month or so after D-Day so I was running on my faith in God and my own instincts. I waited ten days after I found the damning text messages before I confronted him and I did a stellar Plan A during that ten days. By the time I sat down with him I had made my own decisions and was at peace with them. I had decided that I loved him with all his imperfections, that I was willing to address my own part in the condition of our M preA, that I was able (and had a plan) if he chose to leave the M and I knew what I expected him to do if I allowed him to stay. If I had found MB earlier, my bar for recovery would have been set higher but we have worked through that and now have a renewed M. Through all of that, I was calm and loving in his presence and awake and throwing up most of the other times.

You have a plan. Go with it. Make your decisions after you talk to him. My H was amazed, humbled and grateful that I was willing to try to recover the M. He went NC immediately.

I am praying for you and your M.

God's Blessings,

Say

.....what Say Says, especially emphasized below:


Ace

LLL wrote:

"I will mainly listen. I am hoping (but not optimistic)he's not so far gone that he can face me honestly and tell me what he wants."

What he wants is probably to cake eat. It is very difficult for these WSs to go cold turkey. It is like stopping heroine abruptly. What you can do is be very clear about your boundaries. You love him, although might not exactly be crazy about him at the amount. You are willing to give the M a shot given your history and the great R you have had. However, Little Miss Thing needs to go!!!

If your H was a decent guy the PI info hopefully will help a lot. Our OW told lies about a man who was a very close friend to both of us who worked for H. H confided some stuff about things OW said, I broke that confidence after d-day to this friend, and he told H the truth about OW. Although H didn't want to admit her manipulating ways, I believe that knowledge began to chip away at his fantasy of her. I also said things to H such as "I have never seen you be this bad of a person in all of the years I've known you. Is this what your great love is all about? Becoming a schmuck?" That might not be recommended on MB. I also said to H "Can you picture me out of your life forever?" He never could.

Stay as cool as you can, look good, and show you H what a class act you are compared to the skanky 'B". Also, I never had to expose. I would have if he didn't dump the "B".

It is too early to ask what he wants. Obviously he want Hot Pants right now.

If he says he wants a divorce, you can state that "I don't want one. I want a thriving marriage with you". (even if you are leaning the other way now.)

It buys you time, sets a plan A wave of love over everything and gives you practise being a Giver. Your Taker is trying to gain control here which never helps anything.

You can state the other stuff briefly about requirements but at this point, even if there is potential to rebuild the marriage, he won't be agreeable to any of it.

He is addicted to whatever emotional needs Hot Pants has hit on to meet.

You can think about what those might be. Which ones you were not fulfilling and practise meeting them as well as you can for now.

Plan A is actually fun once you have gotten into the spirit of it and discovery day is further away in the past.

You are your best self. You build love bank units (MB concept) in his soul and even if you two split, he has good impressions of you

which

is

power

LLL,

How did it go today?

Well, if the world were as it should be, my H should be on psychiatric ward. Talking to him was like trying to make sense with a delusional psychotic.

First, our meeting was civil, restrained. We met around lunch at what used to be a favorite bar/grill. Arrived early and got a booth way in the back where its quieter. Folks looking at us probably thought we were discussing our stock portfolios. We kept our voices low, and except for an occasional tearing up (me)we looked like nothing out of the ordinary.

I asked H to please explain to me his intentions and what he wants. Here's a brief list....

-wants space
-I'm too controlling
-is just friends with OW
-I'm asking him to give up his friends
-doesn't want a divorce
-he'll move out if I want him to (he's already been gone for 3 days
-he isn't in love with OW
-we can be friends

I asked what his opinion was of what I should do while he's engaged in an adulterous affair with a student. He said its not an affair. I told him I have proof he spent the last two nights at her apartment. He was surprised, asked how I knew...said that's my business. Then he says he slept on the couch.

I asked him what about your career, having sex with an advisee. He said "its not going to effect my career". "We're not having sex". I said even if that's true, and I'd have to be an idiot to buy that story, you are having an inappropriate relationship with a student. I already showed you copies of all the emails I initially found when I discovered your affair. There are ethics policies in your university against such behavior. Him: "Unless a harrassment suit is filed the university doesn't get involved, and Hot Pants would never do that."

I told him I might be willing to work on our marriage if he would immediately go provable NC with OW, get into counseling and commit to working on saving our marriage. He said he would do the last two but not give up advising OW. "It wouldn't be fair to her." I said "what about what's fair to your wife of 29 years?" He said, "I shouldn't have to choose between you and my work".

I then said, I'm not able to agree to staying married to you if she's in the picture in any way. He said you're asking me to make a choice. I said yes, it should be an easy choice...your wife or your student who is supposedly just a friend. If she's just a friend but you're willing to lose your wife for that friendship, it tells me everything. He said "I shouldn't have to give up friendships to have a wife." You're being controlling as usual. Want to tell me how to run my life.

At that, I said we're getting no where. This is my life, too. I knew what I needed to know. I need to leave. And I left.

I had cleared my schedule and taken afternoon off, which is a good thing because I was no shape to go back to the office. I maybe did a stupid thing, but I have known and been friends socially for 20 years with one of the office administrative assistants who works in my H's department. She and I have become pretty good friends and when she was ill and took a leave of absense for a while I would go visit her and take her treats to eat. She was alone because she had a H who left her when she was in her late 40's and her daughter was at college when she was ill, so I worried she was alone so much. Anyhow, I called her and she could tell I was upset and she agreed to leave work and meet me. I laid the whole ugly mess out to her and she started crying and apologized to me. She said she knew H and OW were an item and so does everyone else, faculty and students, but because they aren't flaunting it no one says or does anything. She said this is not unusual here which I already knew. She said she was hoping it would pass and H would get his head on straight and I would never have to know. She felt conflicted but didn't feel it was her place to tell me. I said I would have appreciated knowing but I understand its awkward.

I'm home now. H not here. I left a message for attorney and am pretty certain I will file ASAP. I am going to ask for mediation to split assets in written contract immediately. I would like our primary home, the dogs, my car I paid for and him to buy me out of my half of boat and jointly owned 3rd car. We have separate investments, retirement, etc. and want us each to walk away with our own. Once divorce is final I will do total exposure to grant sources, upper administration in university and anyone else I can think of. I want out of this craziness NOW.

(((LLL)))

Besides the sickening effect of that...

He thinks of his trashy trampy plastic hot pants Flashdance wannabe as work?

Bullchit.

Of course he did. That's exactly why she wants to be sure not to be seen as the cause of his marital breakup--so he could sleep on her couch. How DARE you be so cynical?!

tl

So you had to have your big lunch didn't you.

You were told WH would not take being educated, though you had to try teaching him anyway.

You were able to prove to WH that you had proof. Big deal all WH did was to just make up excuses to deny an affair and justify keeping his friend.

Classic WH behavior saying that the BW is the problem for making the WH have to give up a good friend. Picking on the poor OW for wanting him to give up being her adviser.

Then you attempted to black mail WH with ""its not going to effect my career". "We're not having sex"... you are having an inappropriate relationship with a student. I already showed you copies of all the emails I initially found when I discovered your affair. There are ethics policies in your university against such behavior. Him: "Unless a harrassment suit is filed the university doesn't get involved""

"Once divorce is final I will do total exposure to grant sources, upper administration in university and anyone else I can think of."

To late to expose. You exposure will not count because you will no longer be married.

You won't be viewed as a BW looking to save her marriage. Rather you will viewed as a vindictive XW that is out for revenge because her marriage went bad.

An even if the university wanted to go after the OW. By the time your D was final she would of have already recieved her degree. Working in your field.

The law suit potential because these allegations will come out to late so the university won't want to touch this issue with a ten foot diploma.

You are so worried about material possessions.

You only can live in one house at a time.

You only can drive one car at a time.

Even if the judge gave everything to the WH you can still take care of yourself finiancially and then some.

So the way I see it you investments and pensions are separate. If you sold all of the joint marriage property and split the money 50/50 you will be ahead by not spending a fortune on legal costs.

Is it better to be right or would you rather continue to prove that you're dead right?

As I said before you did not buffalo me. You were here to just justify D'ing your WH. Somehing that never had to be justified just done.

You were told your actions would not bring WH to end the affair.

You refused to do the proven things that would bring an end to the affair.

Give it a break, Road. LLL is perfectly justified to decide to take this course of action as are all BS that have their world blown apart by adultery. You have no right to judge her heart or her intentions.I too think that she should expose but your bitter attitude destroys your credibility, especially in this case.

(((((LLL)))))

God's Blessing's

Say

Hi LLL.....I've been following your thread. I'm very sorry you are going through this h3ll.

You probably already know this, but here's some validation for you.....

This is what your [censored] husband is REALLY saying.....

-wants space = so that I can carry on my affair in peace, without feeling guilty. Because if I was doing it in your presence, I'd have to deal with what an ahole I'm being. And I'm too much of a selfish scumbucket at the moment to want to do that.

-I'm too controlling = I have to blame you (deflection) so I don't have to take the rap for the awful way I am behaving.

-is just friends with OW = I know my wife is not stupid enough to buy this crap I'm spewing, but I HAVE to save face somehow....and we really are friends. Ha...see, that's true enough, I'm not lying. I'm a GOOD guy.

-I'm asking him to give up his friends = another blame game so he doesn't have to take the rap for his horrid behavior. (I bet you've NEVER asked him to give up a friend in the past though)

-doesn't want a divorce = Cuz I like eating cake, and want everything my way.

-he'll move out if I want him to (he's already been gone for 3 days = See? I'm a GOOD guy. Look how reasonable I'm being.

-he isn't in love with OW = just likes cake.

-we can be friends = Because that's how GREAT of a [censored] I am! (He's so delusional he actually thinks he's worthy of being your friend. He apparently doesn't know what a friend is.)

Do what you need to do for you LLL, whatever that may be.

MAKE yourself eat HEALTHY food. That is the first thing you need to do. Try some soup and crackers. Take care of yourself first, then [censored] can come later.

If the "proven" things to bring an affair to an end are so effective, why do I read of so many on this site who used those techniques and in many cases the marriages didn't make it in the long run? It might work for some, but there are no guarantees and at 53, I don't have years to wait to see if my H is one of the ones who will come back. "Proven" should be changed to "possible".

The Road.....what part of "LLL doesn't know if she wants this marriage or not yet" don't you get?

She is an intelligent woman. She understood the risk of waiting or not to expose. Why are you badgering her?

This is not your life, it is hers.

Quite frankly, if I had known my H was in an active affair when he was in it, I would have gone straight to plan FU. There are only a few people in this world that can plan A, be nice, do the exposure thing, within a short time after their whole world has been turned upside down.

Lay off will ya?