ExpectsAMiracle-
I am so sorry that you have experienced this. It is unthinkable! HOW can someone do this to a child?

YOU can sue anyone, ANYWHERE, but if they have an A of A, then I'd do it if you want to really f w/ her..DUDE

Wayward Spouse's never "agree with" this site...he won't agree with it until he realizes it's his only hope.

The order of things for you:

~get treatment for the alcohol and complete sobriety for a minimum of 1 year (IMO)

~call the Harley's and counsel with them. With the added info of alcoholism/personality disorders they can help direct you and discern if this is worth saving.

I am sorry you are here...I hope things work out for you.

I'm not sure all of the states, but I know Illinois has them. I have also heard that you don't usually win money, it's more of a humilitaion factor for the cheaters, but I could be wrong.

Yeah, it is unthinkable! Especially from a parent who is supposed to love their child no matter what. I'm sure he does, but saying that to her will leave questions in her mind; probably forever. I'm really glad to hear your daughter is going to therapy for it.

Thanks for the input. Just called and left a message to schedule an appointment with the Harley's.

Excellent!

BTW...you have done a great job so far...it sounds like your boundaries are pretty tight and you are not allowing yourself to make emotional decisions. This will serve you very well as you work through this!

I would suggest you do it on behalf of your daughter. I would get your husband to write out an apology letter to your daughter, detailing the influence of OW on him as he said what he said to your daughter.

Then sue them both for the lifetime cost of therapy for her.

Not a bad idea KaylaAndy. I am going to chew on this some...

Great idea Kayla!

You can't force an apology out of anyone. EAM, you know this. Spend you effort and energy focusing on protecting yourself and your D.

I am SURE she knows that her father is/was not in his right mind when he said what he did. Problem is that you don't want her to believe it (even deep down). That is how SCREWED UP WS get.

Only his actions are going to convince your D that he is really a loving father. Over a long, long period of time. A good IC will help your daughter reallize this. He broke the parent/child trust. In no way should she feel responsible for his outburst or acts.

Good news is kids, forgive me for saying this, but girls are way more mature and resiliant then we give them credit for. I teach HS you would not beleive the crazy situations I sometimes hear about. The kids are way more realistic/practical than I think the parents are sometimes.

If you, IC and her sis/extended family support her I am sure she will recover.

Thanks BarbieCat-
The more I have thought about it, the more I think I need to stay away from the Alienation of Affection plan. Although, the thought of possibly causing this OW public shame brings joy to my soul, it would distract me from the things that matter most. Namely, caring for my children and for myself.

I am starting to see the effects of my WH's affair on the kids' performance in school. So, rather than indulge my revengeful fantasies, I spent a good portion of the day talking to guidance counselors, therapists and tutors. My kids are worth my time. The OW is not. I do pray misery and suffering upon her though!!!

Thanks for your suggestions. My daughter did get in to see her therapist last night. She seemed much more centered after the appointment.

Have any of you experienced the aftermath of an affair affecting your children's performance at school? If so, any words of advice? Just got standardized tests back from my son (12) - he normally scores in the 90th percentile range. On this test that he took last week, his scores ranged from the 14th - 50th percentile range. His homework completion has gone downhill too, as have his tests. My daughter (15) struggles to concentrate and complete her homework. She is becoming more anxious at test taking. These are new behaviors this school year. I know I have had difficulties moving on with day-to-day responsibilities at times since learning of the affair. I can only imagine what it may be like for the kids.

Any thoughts about how I can best support them?

When my husband's bipolar flair up derailed our son's life a few years ago, I would read two books with him and do some discussion with him as well as step up the vigilance on helping with homework and stuff.

The two books: Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill, and The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

We talked about how someone's bad behavior had NOTHING to do with them (The Four Agreements makes this pretty clear), and that they should not take it personally. But since it hurts anyway, to take that hurt and channel it into something positive.

That's why both books were so important. But I think the attention, the caring and the time our son had to process with me made as much difference as the content of the books.

Focus on learning to be positive. Google ways to accomplish that. But incorporate it in your everday life; make it PART of who you all are. My D19 absorbed her dad's negativity, and now it's almost impossible to get her to turn it around. Start early!

Keep your children as far away from this affair as possible. Keep them away from your husband for now because he is only doing harm to them. Only talk about the positive in regards to your husbend to your children. Tell your children that if they have anything bad to say to their dad to say it to you so that you can work through their pain instead of him saying things to them to hurt them anymore. Your children are being abused by their father even if they dont see it they are still feeling the pain. Your young daughter should of NEVER been given so much un supervised time on the computor to be able to find the rated r-x material she did.

Thanks for all of your input! You have no idea how grounding your comments are to me!!!

I have a scheduled phone appointment with Steve Harley on Monday. Have any of you counseled with him via phone? Any advice on how I can make the most out of my appointment time?

Derrah, I am sorry that you find yourself here.

Your story is very similar to mine.

My XWH had A with his direct report.
My DD16 has NC with him -- her choice
XWH is an alcoholic who was sober for mostly 15 years.
My DD16 did terrible in school following when XWH left.
The only difference is that I work for the same company and I have the (dis) pleasure of seeing both on some occassions.

I know when you initially sat down with your children you encouraged them to have a R with their father. I do not advise that.

When my D went to an IC, she said to me your D is here not to reconcile with her father unless she wants that but to be happy with her decision on what she chose. She had terrible anger issues that started to trickle into our relationship because I was "encouraging" her to see her father at the beginning.

Once I stopped we were able to build our relationship.

She was an honor student in a university prep program for HS. When he moved out in 10/08 her grades slipped and she almost lost being in the program. It took a good year to get her back on track.

Yes she does have anger issues on occassion; I worry about her and her R with boys because of this. She was always her father's daughter and he was her role model and all of that has shifted because of his actions.

A stink and the waywards always think the kids will be fine.

Does your H own his own business or can you expose at work since this woman works for him?

Blessings

Wayward Spouse's never "agree with" this site...he won't agree with it until he realizes it's his only hope...This is a quote from MarriedForever and I disagree with it. WS's that are trying to recover their marriages DO agree with this site.


Derrah-as for your husband, he sounds a lot like my EX-husband. He also sounds like a complete idiot!! I gave my ex plenty of chances to change. I have been married to my new husband for almost 10 years now and the ex is still the same old [censored] he always was. People like this rarely change, if ever. I don't think they are capable of it. They may change for a while, but it WON'T last!!


I know this site promotes staying together, but some marriages just can't work because of idiot spouses that refuse to grow up. Leaving my idiot ex was the BEST thing I ever did!! I hope this helps you. Good luck to you and your family.

Wow! This sounds just like our situation! My daughter's counselor told me that with what happened, my daughter has no business being in a relationship with her father right now. Since that time, I have released any expectation of an outcome for that relationship. It will be up to my daughter to decide what - if any - relationship she wants to have with her father. I told her this right after Christmas. That conversation really was a turning point in our relationship! She became less defensive and I was able to let go of my agenda.

I do encourage her to be honest with her feelings - not try to suppress them. I tell her that it is my hope that she work through her feelings so that she will not become bitter.



In June, my daughter lost her "daddy" - the man that she trusted would always be there for her and protect her. If I think too much about it, my whole body reacts and I could burst into tears. What a loss! How do they ever recover from this? How do they ever trust? I am thankful for my daughter's uncles and grandfathers on both sides of our family. They have been tremendous! But I know they can never really fill that hole. I do still hope that with intensive therapy, my husband will become healthy enough to fill some part of that void (I know it's a long shot) - although I think their relationship has unalterably changed - even in a best case scenario!


He owns his own business. I don't think she works for him any more because his tours are done. Funny thing - he swears to me that she never came to see him in our city. If he is telling me the truth, he would just fly out to meet her while she was on the road. THIS is the woman he fell in love with?! A woman that never even saw his daily life? Never entered into his daily routine? Amazing that he can believe this is love! There was no grounding in any sort of reality!!!

What's ironic is that I am not even all that angry with her. Sure I believe that she is low-life scum and when I think of what she did to another woman's children I could tear her limb from limb. But the real problem seems to be my WH - he could (and can) find low-life scums anywhere! There are plenty to choose from! But he entered into this behavior knowingly! Looked into my eyes and lied to me! Lied to my children as he kissed them goodnight! And then left them for someone he barely knew. Walked out on two amazing children for a road fling! Wow!