MrsW: I hear ya. This was my WWs downfall - she and OM were innocently having pool days and stuff together - his W was absent and I was absent. I knew it was a bad situation but he was a good friend, so I trusted him (and obviously my WW). So much for trust...

Would you say the affair partners have to be dumber than average to buy this, though? It would seem that one's ability to think would interfere with the fantasy.

It would be EVERYONE'S downfall eventually, indarkness...Do you see that?

It would be like my saying "Hey, I've never gotten a DUI, which PROVES that I am a GREAT drunk driver!" It wouldn't prove that would it? It would prove that I had gotten "lucky" by not getting caught or killing someone............YET!

Mrs. W

P.S. Z, she had issues man!

HUH? So if someone meets your most important emotional needs you don't fall for them Z? I think your track record proves otherwise, doesn't it?

Mrs. W

Yeah, but I am as dumb as a rock(or was, anyway).
I have to tell you I am mortified by how stupid i was.

Just wanted to jump in here. My WS OW was a ONS that hung around the next day.

DITTO about YOU!

No, but seriously...Logic and reason fly out the window in the face of having someone meet your emotional needs...You are to use your logic and reason to PREVENT improper people from meeting them, because once they are met - you're history...

Actually being intelligent hurts in this area as well...Smart people assume they are immune BECAUSE they are smart...or moral...or have integrity...

Many smart people become addicted to cigarettes for example - THEY will be able to quit anytime - unlike those "stupid, weak people"...The truly smart people recognize that they could become addicted and take precautions not to allow that - by never picking up a cigarette in the first place...

Mrs. W

The father of the Theory of Relativity...

Albert Einstein.

One of the smartest men of the 20th Century...

Adulterer...

Einstein's Theory of Infidelity

Intelligence apparently does not make one immune.

Mr. Wondering

Know what? I tried like crazy to talk myself out of the affair too...First of all, I KNEW that adultery was WRONG...Then I KNEW that OM was NOT who I would want a future with - the guy was NOT smart - I constantly had to explain words I used to him...He was a racist...lived with his parents at the time of the affair...had zero respect for women...and I SAID all these things OUT LOUD! And yet I couldn't stop myself once I had allowed him to meet important emotional needs of mine...Like a true addict, I used the dreaded double negative phrase, "I can't not do this"...

Mrs. W

My second WW is a bigot and [censored], as well. My sisters, especially my less tactful one, get on my case all the time about what I ever saw in her.

I read that about Einstein, as well. Guy was a real piece of work.

Zelmo
I don't think you can call yourself stupid. After all you have proven to be a capable professional if I recall correctly.

I think we need to understand the difference between emotional need and intellectual capability. I think it is possible for a person to be very high functioning intellectually, yet have a emotional needs of an adolescent. For example if a child grows up in an emotionally turbulent household, where and when do they get those emotional needs met. Sometimes people just survive and get out. Once out they resolve to do better, yet those holes in the sole still exist. It is reasonable to believe we would try and fill those holes by marrying someone we "believe" will fill our most pressing needs. Do we have the basis to choose wisely?

No, we are not choosing using logic, we are choosing based on some emotional trigger that we barely understand.

So sorry Zelmo, I don't buy your stupid argument. However I will buy your attempt to find someone to love you. And you did it the best you knew how, at the time. You are far from stupid. Your actions indicate you have compassion and care, based on how you look after your kids. You like me were never really taught how to pick a good spouse. Our fathers were absent, perhaps not physically but absent in the way a boy needs a Dad.

Sorry Zelmo, can't buy your argument. You still come across as a good man no matter how much you want to run yourself down.

Blessings to you
BCBoy

Right...and you also knew that one of them was a former OW - logic and reason out the window in the face of emotional needs being met - I understand...And I KNOW you are capable of logic because you passed the LSAT - admittedly that sucker would have kicked my hiney!

Z, my wish would be for you to learn the entire MB program - With all of my heart I believe it would be not only healing for you, but also would help you to find a truly fulfilling future relationship...

You are a smart guy...Use those smarts and learn this program...you won't regret it...

Mrs. W

P.S. Please accept my sincerest condolences about your mom...((((((Zelmo))))))

Just got off the phone with the little misses. She was nice and all and towards the end of the conversation she asked why I have been so nice when I have every reason to be angry. I told her I was doing it because I want to and because I'm trying to repair our marriage. She said, I just don't want you to think it changes how I feel. Right now I feel nothing for you and I don't see it changing. I said, it dosen't mean I'm going to change the way I act or the things I do. I said if you are there and want to file, I cannot stop you, but you need to do it. Then it was what if I got an apartment. I told her I would think about it, but now I'm thinking what that meens. I would get a small place until decissions were made and her and kids stay here. But then, she travels all the time, so I would have to stay at the house during the time she is traveling. So the only thing that changes is we don't have to see each other, but I'm still the sitter. Crazy!!! The way she is talking is so final. If we go to court, it is going to be bad. She is thinking joint custody, but she is assuming I will cover when she is out of town. I am thinking I be the primary, but she already made it clear she won't go for that. I know I have the case, but I really don't want to go through all that. I know her well enough to know that she has made up her mind. At least for now. Maybe a move away and then telling her I can be availible on such and such dates, but the rest is up to her to schedule. I know one thing, she wont be able to handle the house kids and a job for long. I know there is the concern about moving out and hurting my case, but it is accually joint custody. I'm kind of leaning in that direction.....any thoughts?

Actually, both XWWs were OW and Iknew about it. Don't know why this did not make an impression on me, except that I was completley ignorant about cheating. I did not realize how damaging it is and how corrupt. Plus, they were both very good looking. How's that for deep?

I have good candlepower, no doubt. But, BC is right, Growing up in a chaotic, abusive household leaves one with big holes in one's development. For the longest time I thought everyone's dad drove around puking out the car door. Seemed very normal.

Patriot,

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. She moves if anyone moves. YOu stay. Why? Well it hurts your case for one and that is a big one. Women have an advantage in court and you giving her any more advantage can and will sink you.

Two, you take care of the kids, you are the one around alot, and you are the one that should remain in the house. You live in Austin and the judges there are more liberal which means her adultery will not play much if any factor in their decisions.

Don't move out, let her do it. Then if she insists on going to Houston, you have a home, you are where you need to be.

Pat, she is no position to dictate what YOU do. You protect your children and yourself. Moving out is a bad idea unless you just want to run from the marriage. That is her plan. As you said you cannot stop her,but you can make sure YOU have the control with regard to the kids because you are the one that has been taking care of them.

Please, please don't even consider moving out.

God Bless,

JL

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. If you do, you will give up any position you had.

Pat, you did nothing wrong! Next she might ask you to move out of the bedroom next. Make her do it.

Stay Put.The cheater leaves, if anyone does. Really a bad move to leave.

She's not in the bedroom. I agree, she can go if she wants. Problem there, she would have to suppliment in order for us to stay in the house and she wont do that. I guess we live under the same roof, or she files. I'm not sure how some of the other wives reacted when this happened, but she seems pretty sure right now.

DO NOT MOVE OUT!