I think you need to be careful when you say it's underage porn. Do you know for sure that it's people under 18 years old? Are you talking about children or what?

Like it or not, porn is used by many people. Not all of them are preditory pediphiles. If you think he's a pediphile, you probably need to contact the authorities. But if it's just looking at adult porn, then it's probably more of an issue just between your parents.

I think she wants to avoid facing her own shame and the condemnation she fears others would give her for her complicity in hiding what's going on. This has NOTHING to do with protecting her son and grandchild; it's all about protecting her (which she can only do by protecting your dad). Besides, I thought your brother already knew. Or was it just your sister?

Thank you for your kind words, but in all honesty, I have to confess that I, at least, have done PLENTY of cursing the darkness, and probably the girls have, too--in their heads, if nothing else. But it was all done while keeping a death grip on that stupid little candle, and so we have always had enough light to go a few steps further. And then a few more. And now, almost 8 years later, here we are. Whee! But I can't help but be glad that, in spite of the love I'm sure you have for your mother, your nephew's safety is more important to you than your mom's reputation, her pride, her self-image, or her social facade...which appears NOT to be true of your mom.

tl

The first time I ever encountered porn, I was 10. I went to a friend's house for her b'day spend the night party, and we all stayed in her dad's office/basement. We found some books....not playboy. I cannot give specifics w/o violating TOS, but let's just say multiple partners, multiple "preferences," foreign objects, to name a bit. I had nightmares. I never went to that house again. My friend attempted suicide in HS after she told her mom about the years of sexual abuse she endured from her dad.

When H and I went through a rough patch while my DD was a toddler and I was preg and I found he was looking a porn, I cannot tell you how it made me feel. For years, every time he paused on a channel with a scantily clad person - male or female - I wondered why. And I am the spouse with the high drive, so it wasn't the old "poor man needs an outlet since his wife won't give him any" story.

If we define adultery/infidelity as sexual activity involving someone other than our spouses then the shoe fits. Period. I don't care if everyone I know does it. I understand that some pople feel it's fine and dandy, but minimizing the pain it causes to others is VERY callous.

JK, I think you have done the right thing, and I think it shows great love for both your parents that you are concerned about their lives and their marriage.

I'm going to go back and edit my name out of the previous post, for reasons which should become immediately obvious. I want to tell you a detail about the children's experience, in which their anonymity needs to be protected.

When the little girl, who was the main target of the adult-on-child molestation, was first abused, she was about 2 years of age. Shortly after that, she began molesting her older and younger brother. Nobody knows exactly how long this went on before she spread her "attention" to my biological grandson, who lived in another house and town. Nobody knows because she and her younger brother were too little then to know how long it had been going on, and the older brother was threatened by their molester with the murder of his bio-mom if he ever told any of us what was going on. So for years, he endured in silence, to protect a mother who was not protecting him!!

At one point, the little girl tried to tell her mother what the boyfriend--mama's supplier of sex and drugs--was doing to her. Her mother went ballistic, screaming and swearing as she commanded, "Don't TELL me that!!" Once the story came out, as previously described, and the little girl began--hesitantly and intermittently--to tell her story, it was a long time before she could have a conversation on the subject without it beginning, "You're not going to yell at me, are you?"

Everyone who cooperates in hiding sexual misbehaviors (porn, molestation, whatever) has their own particular reason for doing so. For their bio-mom, it was to protect her access to sex and drugs. For your mom, I've already made my guess, and I still think I've got a pretty good chance of being right, if the truth were knowable. But you can be pretty doggone sure she's not "begging" you to keep it a secret for either her son's, or his son's, benefits. And that's where you come in. Your parents will not appreciate your honesty. I hope your brother does. He will if he's not an idiot...but regardless, you keep on doing what's right.

tl

JK -

Our family is going through something right now that boils down to my husband having to do the right thing. It is not something so scary as what you are going through, but it did involve an amount of moral soul searching. I'm going to tell you what I told him.

"Look around you, dear. See what is going on and who knows about it. Look and see who actually ACTS upon that knowledge. If no one else is acting upon it, then the burden lies with YOU to do the right thing. It'll probably suck rocks for awhile, but it HAS to be done."

It is, btw...sucking rocks...but it's STILL the right thing and I wouldn't advise him differently from this side of the fence than I did from the safety of THAT side of the fence.

All my love,
Kimmy

I think you need to be very careful before making the link between your dad looking at porn and your dad being a child molestor. Porn use does not make someone a child molestor. If you start going around to family members warning them not to leave their kids with your dad because you're concerned he's going to molest them, you'll likely poison their relationship forever. On the other hand, if you truly believe your dad is a child molestor, then you do need to do something serious. Involve the authorities and tell the relatives. But if it's just porn use, it really is a matter just between your dad and mom.

She found her dad looking at child porn as well as gay porn....I don't care how "normal" you think it is to look at porn, I am pretty sure this surpasses any type of "norm".

I am not saying that people who use porn regularly are molesters, because they aren't. But there is a reason that the first thing seized in a sexual predator's home is usually the computer. Not for all, but for some, "innocent" porn use becomes the start of a spiral/progression. The playboy no longer satisfies, then comes the "tame" sex, then more "adventerous," then potentially violent, then possibly underage, all to acheive a bigger high. It is researched and documented.

So if my wonderful and precious father was found to be using porn on a regular basis, and some of it (not just "pop up ads" but actual visited pages were underage or created to look underage, my kids ould be not be spending time alone with him. Period.

And as far as porn use in a marriage goes, one of our responsibilities according to MB is to not be the source of our spouse's unhappiness. So if my H's porn use hurts me and makes me unhappy, the subject is closed, according to MB principles.

As far as I can tell, it has not been determined that it was actual underage porn. She mentioned the word "teen" in her initial post. That could be 18-19 year olds. Many sites have teen in their name. It doesn't mean 13 year olds.

And just because it can escalate doesn't mean it will. That's like saying everyone who drinks will become an alcoholic.

And I'm not saying that this doesn't need to be dealt with. But if she goes around telling all the family members not to trust their kids around dad, there is going to be a huge fallout. What I am saying that porn use in and of itself is not enough to start warning parents to keep their kids away.

IMO.

tl

And what about the GAY porn? Does THAT at least raise any red flags for you??? It sure does for me!

Vity, the well-being of children is not best served by giving someone with a serious problem (in this case, porn, including underaged porn) the benefit of a doubt.

We're not saying to keep the child completely away from Grandpa, but to make sure the child is NEVER ALONE with Grandpa...not even in another room. Grandma can't even be trusted to keep the child safe, because she is in such denial.

It's best to protect the child.

Or, alternatively, you could protect and defend porn.

tl

Sure it raises red flags. It means that mom and dad have some issues to work out. What it doesn't mean is that everyone needs to keep their kids away from dad because he's going to molest them.

I read a study once that said around 40% of men view porn 3x per week or more. If viewing porn made people molesters, then almost half of the men you would come in contact with would be molesters. That's clearly not the case.

I'm not defending porn here. Mom and dad need to work this out. But just because he's looking at porn does not at all justify her telling all the relatives that dad might molest their kids. She needs to have some additional reason to believe he might molest them. It'd be like calling him an alcoholic just because she found a case of beer in the garage. Yes, it's a red flag, but she needs to have more evidence for this before she starts labeling him a molester.

I don't remember anyone suggesting she label her Dad a molester. Simply that she share with her brother that she found the porn, and the nature of it, and that she exposed to the Mom who begged her to continue hiding the secret.

It's up to the brother whether or not he wants to allow his child to visit the grandparents w/o supervision. He needs to know about the porn habits *and* about the unhealthy dynamics of hiding family secrets.