BCBoy covered what I was thinking, and better, too! The university may not give a rip about who's boinking who, but they SHOULD care about bad publicity, the potential loss of future grant funds, having to pay back already-misused funds, and the possibility, the chance to feature in a sexual harassment suit, or a suit charging discrimination against some student who WASN'T screwing an adviser and claims to have failed because of it. You have a lot of ammo in your arsenal...really, you do.

tl

I tend to agree with this. My Wxh went all the way to court and allowed himself to be humiliated in front of 10 of my friends (and formerly HIS) and family members in order to avoid a few extra years of alimony. He also attempted to humiliate me in several ways with blatant lies about my actions and charactr. That act did as much damage to me as the affair did. To think he wouldn't give in just a bit and give me more than my legal share because he was the one who blew up the marriage and family. To think he would try to hurt ME in court when he had already hurt me so bad in our marriage.

He did however, sign over full custody of our son to me and agreed to a visitation schedule that is far from standard in order to avoid having 2 of his OW Subpoenaed. Which tells a lot about his character....stuff matters to him.

I see LLL's WH possibly responding in a similar fashion.

LLL, I installed Eblaster on my WHs computer. It was the source that confirmed he was in an affair and had had others. I sat and read reports for 10 days before I busted him out and another 30 days or so AFTER I busted him out---even after I got him out of the house. It was very very difficult to keep the info to myself so that I didn't betray my source.

It didn't help me much financially, but it was invaluable for clarity in what to do with my marriage. The day I discovered he had (7 years earlier) had an affair with my then 19 year old cousin I knew I would never take him back.

So I just posted to encourage you to keep the Eblaster source for as long as you can. It will help you even as it hurts you. Oh and btw, my Wxh is a programmer. He couldn't remove the program even after he knew it was there.

"They SHOULD care about bad publicity, the potential loss of future grant funds"

Not forgetting withdrawal of sponsorship aka Tiger Woods.

All this is a reflection of Public (i.e. taxpayer) opinion. Academics have a public image to maintain and there is only so much damage control that can keep the story out of the news.

Even Bill Clinton couldn't worm his way out

P.S
There is another person who posted a journal of events which were very similar to yours. Her h was heavily involved with his PhD student. Search for Tully

Very sadly, even though tully went to Plan B and exposed the affair to both his and her employers, her H continues the affair and now lives with OW.

OW was a PHd student, but she had gained the award and, I think her contract with had finished, by the time tully discovered the affair. She exposed anyway, to his employer and her new one. (His and her employers were linked through their research collaborations.) It would not have looked good that the pair had published a research paper together that many people thought OW could not have really written. OW's academic reputation did seem to suffer as a result of exposure. However, while the affair was frowned upon, no concrete action was taken.

OW left her short-term contract in Ireland and went back to France to live with WH. When he has care of the children, they have to stay with OW too.

The dogs started barking at 4 a.m. and scared me awake. I got up and have checked the whole house, alarm system is active, and we live in a very safe area. Looked out the second floor windows and can see nothing...neighbors homes look normal...neighborhood is well lit...this is one of the parts of living alone I DON'T LIKE! I quickly opened the mud room door to the garage and let them out there where they can go out their dog door into the yard. They're out there now milling around, so I guess everything's ok or they'd be going nuts. But too late, I'm wide awake now.

So, I can't go back to sleep. Yuk. Just when I was starting to feel human again after a restful weekend.

I had some trouble getting to sleep last night thinking about talking with H's administration on Thursday. Earliest I could get an appointment with Mr. Higher Ed. His secretary wanted to know the nature of my need to see him....told her it was confidential. That probably perked her up....maybe she'll think I'm involved with him...ha.

I guess I'm a pessimist, but I really see my exposure of the information I have going nowhere. My attorney thinks the same. He warned me and I already knew that personnel matters are confidential. So even after I report, they will not keep me informed of their actions (if any). I do the same when I handle personnel issues in my office....I take in information and use it in a manner I feel is appropriate with the employee involved, but do not report back to the original reporter due to confidentially.

As far as our friends, I think they were shocked but I don't think H is in touch with them since none of them had heard from him since they saw him at my mother's memorial service and hadn't seen much of him for weeks before that (because he was busy courting Hot Pants) while I was giving my time primarily to my mother.

This is wee hours of the morning pre-adequate caffeine intake talk, but I effectively think my marrige is over. My H is GONE. My discovery of his affair seems to have released him from any responsibility to even minimally participate in this marriage or do me the courtesy of telling me what his plans are. I have probably seen him for less than an hour and a half in the last 8 days (lunch meeting last week). Maybe this is a good thing because it will help me just file and let go rather than go through gruelling months or years of trying to rebuild and not having any idea if it will ultimately work.

Hi LLL,

Please continue to be strong. Your marriage isn't over until it is over. This is a very early stage and a lot can still happen. Admittedly, for better or worse.

You have been together a long time and you saw each other just the other week. I haven't seen my WS for over 3 months and that was for about 10 minutes. I stopped contacting him after I exposed to all OWs friends. I actually thought he would be glad of the detachment but 3 weeks into that he tried to communicate (in his cack handed kind of way). I didn't think he ever thought of me but apparently he did and he still cares. In his own words "You can't be with someone for 22 years and not think of them".

Continue to be strong and the best person you can be. At some point I am sure he will notice and wonder what he is losing.
Get as many different opinions as you can on what you should next, filter it all and choose the most appropriate for you and your WS.

You are an intelligent lady. Just stay calm and don't panic. We can't see around corners so can only prepare ourselves as best we can for what is there.

Put a comedy dvd on and fall back to sleep with a smile on your face.

TM

I agree with TM, dont completely write your M yet...worse situations have been recovered...just take one day at a time and try not to think too far ahead yet...you are doing good...it is still early yet. hang in there.

If you only expose to Mr. Higher Ed then he can just smile at you and nod his head, then ignore everything you've said when you leave. I would recommend following up the meeting with a letter in which you address Mr. Higher Ed and cc: other strategic people. If everyone knows that other people know, they're not as apt to sweep it under the carpet.

I think you've got this covered, because you mentioned hinting that he was your "first stop". Just don't lose sight of that notion.

Expose to the people giving the money. They have no motive to cover, or to facilitate, your husband's affair.

tl

I would agree with your initial assessment. However if your H is using funds inappropriately and you have evidence of it then you do have alternatives should you choose to do so. After notifying the Higher Ed and you wait a couple of weeks you can then request a follow up meeting to see what has been done. If you get the silent treatment I am wondering if you can then go to either the funding organization and apprise them how the funds are being used or blow the thing up in the media. Headline High level Professor caught in affair with student and using university funds to carry on the affair. Not good press.

I suggest you can also call into question the grading of miss hot pants. However it sounds like this institution is rife with professor / student affairs, and it is accepted practice (perhaps in the administrations view, however it may be different in the court of public opinion).

However all this takes time and energy. And this can be very hard on you. So what is it you can handle? This is one of the worst experiences of your life. You are in shock and you are hurting. The rejection is crippling at times, and as some of the other threads here indicate self esteem and self confidence take a major hit.

From your recent post I sense you are now feeling vulnerable and alone. The dogs are barking and you are nervous of what might be lurking outside. The person who promised to protect and comfort you has had a temporary lobotomy, and is not there to support you, your world has changed dramatically.

The question boils down to do you want to try to recover your marriage? Or has this crossed a line for you and there is no turning back? Reading your last post I understand the empty feeling that your H does not seem to care now that things are in the open. From what you have described here it is unlikely this relationship will last, based on Miss Hot Pants history. She sounds like a user. As soon as she gets what she wants she will move on to her next victim. However this may take time. I understand as I am in a similar situation. My wife is in an adulterous relationship and it has been almost a year. From what I understand from some of my friends the fog is just starting to lift. Some members here say it can take 2 - 5 years for the fog to clear. Are you willing to invest that amount of time?

Remember to take time to look after yourself. These are trying times.

Blessings
BCBoy

Can't give up before exposure is finished.

Yep, 2-5 years, that is what my IC told me today. When the fog lifts after so many years the chances are against the M recovering. The BS spouse most likely has moved on and the WS might very well get into another relationship.
LLL, it is still too early to tell. I think there is a chance that your H will dump HP in the next 2-3 months. I would give him 6 months of a very dark plan B with all the exposure trimmings.
Then you can move on
blessing

I'm glad you have those dogs, LLL. They do not lie and cheat, do they.

The BS has their own fog. LLLs has not yet pulled out of the initial shock stage. She is operating on autopilot and doing so very well. It has been suggested that she keep her options open. A very dark Plan-B does that while protecting her. Nothing says that she cannot even go ahead and file after her exposure.

HP has had the responsibility of providing ALL of your WH's EN now for all of what...five days now? The man you have been married to is in there somewhere. It is up to you to decide if you want to wait and see if he reemerges.

Recovery is difficult and time consuming. So is divorce. You hold the cards on that decision,LLL.

God's Blessings,

Say

Its been a trying day. I am so far behind at the office....and exhausted from lack of sleep last night. Just when I had a nice weekend and was beginning to feel a little like myself. I brought home a pile of work for tonight but I will probably just fall asleep.

No sign of H. He's gone, gone, gone. No calls, no contact of any kind. Frankly, it may be making this somewhat easier. My sister called (she's single)and I invited her to come and stay with me for a few days. She's a highrise dweller and I have a big house with yard and she loves my dogs, so she's moving in for a bit to keep me company. She's "retired" at age 58 and loves her freedom, so she can do whatever from here as easy as from her place. Besides, I'll sleep better.

I need to talk to attorney about joint support of home expenses H and I have always shared. Houses have no mortgages, but upkeep expenses are pretty substantial. I can afford it on my own, but I will keep track of what I pay out that's supposed to be his contribution.

I change my mind from moment to moment, but I think I'm going to divorce him. I think I need to go that route because I don't think this is able to be fixed. I think I want a clean break. He may be in MLC and may change his mind, but I'm not ready to let my life stay in this kind of mess for too long. I don't know that I have it in me to ever trust him again. He's been totally unfeeling, heartless and had no reservations about breaking our marriage while I was going through mourning my mother's terminal condition and death. How much worse than that can you get and why would I ever forgive that?

I realize this is all so fast and I go back and forth, but the longer this goes on, the more I think I'm done.

Your feelings are perfectly normal. We have all been on that roller coaster. I felt exactly the same way and even after I decided that I would work on the M if my FWH went NC and totally O&H I reserved the right to change my mind at any time. Trust is always an issue after adultery. Forgiveness was actually the easy part for me.

Having your sister with you is a wonderful idea. It will give you time to get your wits about you while you protect yourself legally.

God's Blessings,

Say

I remember being devastated by the lack of care and concern by my Xwh when my own mother was sick with breast cancer. He didn't take of work to sit at the hospital with me for her surgery. I had to get a sitter for ds (3 at the time). He did pick up ds at the sitters that evening and kept him by himself (first time ever) while I spent the night at the hospital. The next day, dad and I took mom home and THAT night at 10 wXh dropped our son off at mom's (where I was staying and caring for her) so that he could go on his annual hunting trip. I was never so frightened and scared and alone feeling in my life, but heaven forbid XH cancel his hunting trip to care for our child.

Also, by the time you've been married for 29 years like you (or 26 years like myself) you've seen enough heartache from affairs and divorce that you just feel like he knew what he was doing and was aware of the pain he would cause. In our case my best friend (we were best friends with her and her 1st husband) went through 5 years of he11 with a repeat cheater...it affected us ALL so deeply...that I remember telling Xwh that he knew how much pain this would cause and if he ever did it he would know what he was doing.

I am not being very pro marriage tonight. I'm sorry. Just wanted to chime in and let you know I understand the feeling that the betrayal and lack of care is just more than you can take.

Lady,
I certainly understand this. Sometimes divorce is the recovery for the BS. Is there anything that your WH could do now that would change your mind?

Gg

Well, I'm thinking I would get through this better and in a shorter time if I just cut the tie now. My WH would have to do a 180 and spend a long time proving he has changed from the stranger I see now. I definitely would not be comfortable living in the same house with him any time soon.

He has left me. No contact. Other than clearing up financial arrangements, there is no reason for us to have contact. We have no children. So there is nothing other than 29 years of marriage which seems to mean nothing to him. I'm already feeling less and less for him as I feel alternate anger, sadness, confusion... I understand that through being with him at work, in classes, in advisement, (and now living with her I assume)she is much more a constant now in his life than me. That's powerful and I can't compete and I shouldn't have to and won't.

I am exposing (to mutual friends so far) and will begin working my way up the university food chain. Doing it frankly because I wish it would blow up his world, but it won't and things will likely go on as before because by the time the university or grant folks ponder their navels about what to do, she will be graduated. Besides, technically since there's an imbalance of power, he is the responsible party not her. I have no idea what might or might not happen about the possible misuse of grant monies. My attorney cautioned me to only say what I could prove or I could be sued by H for slander. I will also expose both of them in our professional circles, but I fear being seen as the embittered left behind wife. As I have said before, this is so common (prof and student hookups) that really my H and Hot Pants are a cliche rather than anything unusual.

The roller-coaster is normal. It helps if the wayward expresses a desire to fix things... it hurts if the wayward denies and refuses to participate.