I have been lurking for a while, but havent posted about my situation before.

My WH and I have been working on reconciling our R for about 2 years. Some bumps in the road, but I thought we were doing well for us. We have a very rocky R history including abuse which had to be resolved before anything else could.

We started reconciling before I found MB so we didnt use all the techniques here other than sometimes instinctually.

Friday night, the OW made contact via email. My H thinks this is a secret email, but I have the pword. At first, I thought he deleted it without responding. Today, she sent another one that still included his response, so he has broken NC.

The first email was about an incident at work and he responded with a witty banter including making OW name into a sexual innuendo. It was juvenille. OW responded saying so much for your phone call, which indicates there must have been some call over the weekend or some email I missed promising to call.

He responded to that telling her he was busy today and thinking that she was going to call after she checked her schedule Tues. This indicates to me they are planning to meet.

I dont know what to do. If I confront him, I will lose my source of info.

My H recently retired, then got injured and was basically out of commision, surgery, in pain, on pain killers, etc for the last year. Hes feeling better now. But, I know he is also lonely and bored because he hasnt yet figured out what to do with himself home alone all day.

What should I do?

Velvet

Ask him if he's been in contact with OW. Tell him a simple yes or no is the only answer you're looking for at this point. He's likely to start babbling - just repeat your request until he answers.






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I would ask him? But another round of exposure is in order.
Some how the stake fell out of the vampire's heart and has to be pounded back in to kill this affair.

OK but then what lol.

Velvet

Your WH has to see consequences for not telling you OW tried to break NC and for him responding in secret.

I hope that the abuse issue has been totally resolved, Velvet. Could you please post a little more info. How long married, children, 1st M, how long and type of A?

Sorry you find yourself here but it is a good place to be in your circumstances. We have all been there.

God's Blessings,

Say

Exposure was my first thought.

Last time this happened(her fishing), I called her BS and she went away for awhile after all hell breaking loose. Thinking about just forwarding him the email.

That of course caused more contact as she and H tried to do damage control...mainly H trying to fix his image because I revealed he had been abusive and BS told her that.

She called me up verbally assaulting me. The second time I handed phone to H and she told him to go F himself.

H was pissed and figured it was good to let her do her own damage to herself. Said he would never go near her again esp after she went back to BS who she said abused her and apparently had other A which she shared with him in their limited contact. Not sure if this is true or she just was trying to make him jealous.

She threatened to tell our joint employer I called her H. Love the irony lol.

H and I are living separately. Should I expose first and then drop by his place to have a chat with him before she gets there for lunch?

Velvet

Sorry I didnt give all the back story. Its like War and Peace.

Abuse resolved. H in counseling for that for 5 years. It could always flare but I will not participate in the escalation so I think we're ok there. H was sexually abused as a pre-adolescent. Root of his issues. He is a work in progress and did not reveal this to me or anyone else until about 5 years ago. Probably I am too easy on him sometimes because of this.

Married 25 yrs. First for me, second for him. 4 grown kids...his. He cheated in his first M. Hes been a serial cheater with me. Im not so big on the sexual addiction label, but my take on it is he used sex to keep the pain of his abuse at bay. In his words, he always had a backup.

This A.....she was a "friend" for a long time. Then they had some FWB thing that started when I was out of town for a couple of months for work. Off and on thing. She was part of a revolving harem he kept.

I did not know he was seeing her when we separated, but at that point the only thing that mattered to me was the abuse. He got crazy before he got better and I went NC on him for a couple of years other than him harassing/stalking/begging when I would not let him come home or agree he had changed.

I think at this time counseling was getting very hard for him. In his words, he gave up and was "trying to have a relationship with her". He basically told her it wasnt going to work and he wasnt D me before I ever reached out to him to reconcile. I had to get rid of all the pain/rage I had over the abuse before I could get there. Not sure all this is in order or makes sense. Trying to be brief.

The last two years have been good other than his injury. We have taken it very slowly, a snails pace lol.

This man was telling me he was madly in love with me all last week. After he emailed OW Friday night, he sent me pictures of a house we should look at in the state were planning to move to in a year. I dont know what hes thinking now.

Velvet

Do you really, really want to continue with this serial cheater? Wow, you are strong or silly, I can't figure.

Never- ever let him know about the pw secret email account. As long as they do not suspect anything, they will feel they have nothing to hide.

I you find out they are going to meet, hire a PI or "accidentally" find someone to bump into them, this will give you the opportunity to deal with the NC WITHOUT giving out the info of the secret email and how you found out.
Make it a HUGE coincidence.

Wow, what conflicting actions (on your WH part)

Barbie

Sorry I dont know how to quote yet. If I were going to break, I would have done it by now I guess. I dont know if thats strong or silly.

My H is a serial cheater yes, but thats not all he is. We are both survivors of sexual violence and abuse in our foo. That makes us both very strong in some ways and very weak in other ways. How it will turn out I dont know yet, but its a journey we are on together for now. I think it is a journey of healing for both of us.

I thought of the coincidental meeting, but Im worried they may take that planning to a phone conversation so I may not be able to get that info.

Velvet

Get a voice activated recorder, Velvet and quietly gather your intel. You have been through this many times so even though it still hurts, you will be better able to maintain.

I think that you just need to get to the point where you can decide exactly what your boundaries are and how long you are going to continue to enable him based on your empathy for your shared abusive backgrounds.


God's Blessings,

Say

Road......you said he needs to see consequences but could you be more specific.

I am not sure what to make the consequence exactly.

Velvet

I hear what you are saying saynomore. Im just not sure how to go about it because our situation is a bit backwards.

I cant just waltz into his apt or car and place a VAR. I dont really need that anyway. If I press him hard enough he will confess. BTW I have not been through this as many times as it sounds because most of the time I did not know he was cheating. I found out about the bulk of it all at one time.

You cant deal with infidelity when abuse is involved. You cant even go to counseling with an abuser or you will be further abused.

I did what I knew how to do at the time. Now I know more and it looks like I/we are going to have to redo some things. I am trying to figure out how to do that without undoing the progress we have made.

I dont want to go NC with my H again but Im not sure what other alternative there is.

Velvet

VElvet, I would do a nuclear exposure to everyone, including your employer, starting with the OW's H and maybe even all her facebook friends. Does the OWH know about your H's own apartment?

Afterwards, I would strongly suggest Plan B. You have been in Plan A for a very long time. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Melody

Thanks. Sort of what I was thinking. Shes not on facebook.

She knows about the apt. He was there when they were having the A.

Im ordering the book.

Thanks.

Velvet

Velvet, does the OW's H know about the apartment?

Melody

Sorry. Misunderstood the question. She knows about the apt. Not sure if her BS knows. My H was in a different apt when her BS exposed the A to me.

I am a little leery of him because I do believe he is abusive and possibly violent. He also may have made false allegations to our employer that could have gotten all of us fired or criminally prosecuted. Im not sure if he was bluffing his WW or the allegations were so bogus they were investigated and dismissed with none of us knowing.

In short he is an ally of sorts. But, he is not above intentionally hurting me to hurt my H or to do things to try to destroy my M to hurt my H. I dunno. I handle him with extreme care.

Why do you ask if he knows about the apt?

Velvet

velvet, your husband and his lover are "intentionally hurting" this man. They are committing a crime against him. Most wayward wives lie about their "abusive" husbands. It is a CLASSIC lie we hear all the time. But apparently she isnt worried about it and she knows him best. You shouldn't worry about it either.

Either way, he has a right to know what your H and his wife are doing to him behind his back. He needs to know all about the apartment so he can prevent his wife from going there.

To not call him is to enable her affair with your husband. He has every right to know about the affair.

Everyone should know about the affair. His parents, your parents, children, employer, everyone. Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping it a secret is to ENABLE it.

And who told you this crap? His evil, manipulative, lying wife? Your employer has a right to know about this affair because they are at risk of legal liability. Human Resources should be notified.

Melody

I hear you. Im not saying Im not going to let him know because hes abusive. I will.

But he is abusive. Trust me I know an abusive man when I see/talk to one. He has also lied to me and about me, and I believe he is also wayward or has been. They were living in the same house alledgedly separated and both having A. He basically told me this himself without coming out and saying it. Nonetheless, if history is any indicator he will be all over her when he finds out.

Personally, as bad as it sounds I dont care if he abuses her, I just dont want him getting violent with my H. The first time he drove around with a baseball bat in his car hoping to catch my H. When I called him on some of this stuff he didnt deny it just said he was "crazy" at that time. And, while I understand it, I dont really want to get to close to that.

Velvet