Sorry for what you are going through. I did not mean you defend her. Rather, it seems her bizzare behavior and the things she says are , somewhat taken to heart. Just wanted you to know that just about everything she has said and done is incredibly off the wall stuff.
As I mentioned, I would think one of the hardest aspects of recovery would be looking at your WW and knowing just how capable of stupidity she is.

why is that?? Does she not like your sister? Is there bad blood between them?

Yes, they have never been best friends, but my sister sent her an e-mail telling her how hurtful and wrong her actions are and that she should be thinking about her children which sent her over the edge. As for her being nuts....no doubt. One minute she is crying in the phone to me she needs help, the next, cold as ice and mean. I have a job offer in Mass. that I can fall back on. Don't really want to move, but it is an option and the kids would have a large support system there. Crazy stuff.

Pat,

""She is the person my wife has confided in since we moved to Texas""

YET....

""She knew nothing about the excessive spending and affair.""

So the confiding is whining about you mostly, it sounds like.

If I was the friend I would be hurt and angry for being set up like a stooge for your WW's bi*t#@ing about you all the time.

Good exposure job. This outlet for WW too may pass away.

kirk

Well good for sis then.......

next time just tell her your sister is doing what she can to support you and the marriage and then walk away......

As far as her being nuts and saying "off the wall" things, that's just your GARDEN VARIETY CAKE-EATING WAYWARD.........nothing unique us bs's haven't seen or heard before

I hate to say it but you need to get used to the drama and build up an immunity to it. That is what everyone here talks about with the, "Would you like a cookie," response. You reacting to what she says and trying to explain yourself to her is causing you more stress.

The Massachusettes job offer might be just what she needs to bring her out of her fog if you don't use it for that purpose. Let it come out in conversation on one of her more "human" days or wait til she asks you about your job search.

God's Blessings,

Say

In my sisters e-mail she told her that the kids I were welcome home (MA) were the kids would have an extended family who could help. She went NUTS. Started screaming about over my dead body are you taking my kids...blah blah blah. So no, this would not be a fog lifter. Just had another interview but it would require relocating to Abaline....yuk! So I'm down to 1 interview next week which I'm hopefull about. It's only been a month since I started applying, so it's not time to panic yet.

Banana cream pie to the face time, IMO.

Hang in there Patriot.

These things shall pass.

Be calm, resolute, and focus on your children and your future.

God Bless,

JL

I'm living with sybil. Tonight, she is all talkative and nice and ok. Then she says "I hope you get that job because we need to figure out what we're going to do". FU. I don't know what all this is, but she has obviously been talking to someone. She goes from a major B to all calm and nice. Maybe boy wonder is back in the picture, but I think it's her friend that has her ear and has told her to take a breath and be calm or she loses the kids. This is so unlike her to be calm. It's like a chess match to see who is going to make the next move. I am at a point where as long as I get the kids, I'll be fine. I know this a rouse for something, but I don't know what.

I could mean she had contact and things are better in affairland (YOU didn't ruin it like she thought and OM told her to play nice)

I could mean she wants you to get a job so her position in a custody dispute will be stronger

I could mean your Plan A is working on her

I could mean she's taking a break and giving you a break

It could mean the worst of withdrawal is ending (doubt it)

I could mean she's filing a divorce and her attorney told her to calm down and play nice pending him/her getting the petition prepared and filed FIRST.

You could drive yourself batty trying to figure it out which is why I encourage substantial and effective snooping so you have the calmness of knowing exactly what is going on from moment to moment.

Anyway...try to take advantage of these moments to continue your Plan A...delivering the message that you are willing and able to be a better husband and father such that if you ever have to go to Plan B she'll go through withdrawal FROM YOU or if you truly are in early recovery...you'll be making LB deposits such that your recovery can move forward.

Again....try to negotiate a "break" from the turmoil and get her out for some light fun alone.

Good luck this weekend.

Mr. Wondering

Well Mr. Wondering, things took a VERY bizare turn last night. She was very nice and very calm and said she wanted to discuss something. She flat out said she wanted a divorce. To which I said I do not and I don't want to talk about it...okay. Now is when it get's bizare. She says her goal coming out of all this is that we remain friends. She said I think we could be best friends, but not if we're married. She said I love you, but not romanticly and I don't think I ever will again. So she has been thinking and has an idea. How about we divorce, but still live together. OMG! I was like really, how does that work? She said nothing changes financially, we are here for the kids, we just have our own lives. You don't bring anyone home and I don't either. So I said what kind of an enviornment is that for the kids. She said we haven't been together in a while anyway, they have no problem with seperate bedrooms. Sounds a lot like what we have now, except we will be divorced and she can have her cake. She admitted she was back in touch with OM, but said she was unsure if she would get back with him. That even if it's not him, she dosen't feel that conection with me and she said I'm the type of person when the switch is off, it stays off. She then went into how she never thought she could love someone as much as she did me. That whoever I meet I need to keep my family out. She said about 25% of our problems came from your family. I have to give her that (not 25%) my family is overwhelming and I wasen't as forcefull as I should have been in backing them down. She gave me the I love him speech and it's not fair to do this to anyone. She told me she has no problem with me seeing other people, in fact she encourages me to. I guess so she wont feel so guilty, that's if she has a concious. As I suspected, the talk of divorce was strongly encouraged by her friend that I sent the e-mail to. She seems to be the only one she listens to. I have 2 more interviews this week for work, if I can get one of those jobs, I will be able to stand on my own and not have to worry so much. Now has anyone out there encountered such a proposal?

Straight, unadulterated fog-babble. Ignore it. Maintain your position - especially your position that your children deserve to be in a home with two loving parents. Period. No immoral drama with mommy having her own room and boyfriends.

This comment of divorce is the same as an open marriage. Your agreeing to this arrangement will bring you to the same depth that she has fallen to.

Have nothing to do with it. It is immoral and despicable.

Continue to expose her contact with OM.

Friendship after divorce is never a great idea unless kids are involved.

Calmly tell her that is not the way divorce will be. If we divorce, I will hate you forever for breaking up our family and throwing away the X number of years we had together. Divorce will not be amicable, and I will fight for everything within my rights. I hate to burst your little bubble.

You said you loved me once and that you never thought you could love anyone more. I'm telling you it is possible, a marriage counselor would tell you it's possible, and many couples who have been through the exact same situation would tell you it is possible. However, it is not possible with other parties in the picture, and it will take a some work which I'm sure you want nothing to do with right now. Let me ask you this, if working on your marriage for the next two years could give you the marriage you have always wanted and keep your children in a loving two-parent household, wouldn't that be an ideal outcome? I know you don't think it is possible, but I could put you in touch with plenty of women who felt the same way you do and are now happier than they have ever been with their husband. I know I've made some mistakes in this marriage, and I am willing to work on them, even after getting stabbed in the heart. If things didn't work out after a couple of years we can always hold our head up high and tell our kids we tried EVERYTHING.

So, here are your realistic options:

1) Cut off all contact w/ OM, got to MC and work on our marriage to try and make this the marriage you have always wanted.

2) A bitter contested divorced with no further relationship with me other than seeing each other at kid exchanges.

You decide which is more appealing to you. I know I'd prefer option 1.

When say say's you can date. Tell her married people do not date.

The lets divorce and be friends and roomates is just to keep living the good life on your money.

The OM has shown that he will not give WW financial support and standard of living she wants and you can provide.

No to being friends after the D. Just NC.

Patriot --

This is not bizarre. This is CLASSIC. It is almost exactly the same deal I tried to get with my XBH.

She wants to be a cake eater. She wants to have a husband AND a boyfriend. She would prefer NOT to make a choice or change her life in any way. And she would REALLY prefer not to be the bad guy in all of this. So would you please go along with her crazy plan???

You need to give EXACTLY the message that Jim just described.
I would go even stronger on option 2, except I would not use the word "bitter." (WW thrive on describing their victim that way....) I would simply tell her that there will be no friendship. That you choose to have friends that do not lie, deceive and cheat, and she definitely doesn't qualify.
Tell her you will be FINE in the future. If you divorce, everyone will know the real reason why. And you will never speak to her again. Show CONFIDENCE.

Here is the attitudes you should project:

Option 1: I am willing to work on the marriage, although I have great reservations about your ability to be marriage material -- but I am willing to TRY for the sake of the children.

Option 2: Strength and CONFIDENCE. You have learned the tools to make a great relationship. If she doesn't want the benefits of that, someone else will. Make her picture the future. Where her kids HATE OM (because they know he is the evil that destroyed their family) contrasted by your future, where you meet someone else -- do everything right, and your kids are HAPPY with you and LIKE their new stepmom. BELIEVE ME, she does NOT want her kids to have a stepmom, and will be very very threatened by that image! Not only that, make her picture the kids events where her reputation proceeds her, and everyone sides with you. Kids soccer games where she is an outcast, while you are embraced and surrounded by friends.

Get the idea?