At this time I would like to add a small commercial for AD's. They were a WORLD of help for me (and still are, tyvm).

I wish I would have asked months earlier for them.

Well, I think I clearly told him when we met if he didn't go NC with her, I would not hang around. So he's telling me through his actions that he's made a choice.

Yes. And now you get to make your choices, however they are. You are not obligated to attempt R.

Sc&&w him to the wall. Make him realize what a bad decision he made.

It is still way too early to be making these choices. IT has only been a few weeks! It will take months before you should be making any choices (even if he comes back, the choice to save your M)

You are way too blindsided to sort out your feelings. Read on this board the people who REGRET chosing to divorce quickly.

Protect yourself, as you have- but be nice to yourself, to by giving yourself time to see what really happens and decide.
You have the rest of your life to divorce him.

Agree w/Barbiecat. These things take TIME. Give yourself at least six months before moving to D. You can always D later but it's much more difficult to undo the animosity of a D. Affairs are bad enough. Throwing a quick D into the mix is even worse, IMO.

You don't have to see or talk to WH. Just give yourself a bit of time to let the dust settle and get all this processed in your subconscious.

Perspectives may or may not change with time.

It's not that we're encouraging you to avoid divorce, or take back a lousy, creepy, cheating man.

But you are an intelligent woman anyway - you're one of the least likely to act rashly betrayed wives I've ever seen post on this board.

I think we're just encouraging you to slow things down as far as your actions to end the marriage. But perhaps find a way to speed up exposure and increase his reasons to come to his senses.

Exposure will irradiate that tumor growing in his brain that deludes him into thinking and acting the way he is.

It's like a splash of icy cold water in the face of someone who's in an out-of-control emotional state.

Time to find a way to get your financial house in order - have you talked with your lawyer about a postnup agreement yet.

ITA with everyone who is advising you not to rush into D. Your WH is in the honeymoon stage with Hot Pants right now. I'd Plan A but get your financial ducks in a row. You shouldn't have to bear the complete burden of your assets/liabilites. Have you talked to your attorney yet about some type of support while he is not living with you?

You know what?

I totally get why you want a D and I'm behind whatever you choose because I think your reasoning is sound. In no way have you ever, in any of this, reacted with anything but consideration of all the points.

If you're done, I'm right there with ya.

I am well-advised by my attorney I have retained. I am financially independent and do not need my H for financial support, although he has an obligation to pay his part for upkeep and maintenance of our jointly owned properties and my attorney and I have discussed but not put anything into writing yet about billing my H for his responsibilities. A post-nup is being drafted, although I don't know how my H will respond to that. I do have a post-nup document pertaining to just inheritance from my family that was done a few years ago and covered that only so those funds could never be co-mingled.

Exposure to university and work-related issues starts tomorrow with appointment with high administrator. We'll see ......

LLL, the best exposures are done on the same day in order to get the maximum effect. It also prevents the affairees from getting wind of your plan and pre-empting you by spinning the story. If you have others on your exposure list, I would do them in close proximity.

Some other good exposures will be on the OW's side, ie: her mother, family, facebook friends, if any. She won't be so anxious to take her new "OM" around the family and friends if they all know this is a married man having an affair. Some of her family won't let him darken their doorstep. This will greatly hamper her future ideas surrounding your husband.

While it is no guarantee, we have had numerous affairs ruined with facebook exposures because it is the ideal exposure group. It is a collection of the OP's most important, influential friends and family all in one place.

So, if you have any more exposure targets I would do them at the same time.

I do not think that telling the truth will make you look like an embittered wife. I am sure you will not share any lurid details. Just facts. Why should you lie and keep you H's A secret...so that you can enable him to continue and be his "pimp".


Yes if H has just made a mistake and realizes it thru exposure, exposure can work wonders and usually produces imediate effects.

Otherwise

And as such is it just some water....easily wiped off by a WS who is callous and entitled and that has made a firm choice to be with OW and will not come back to M even if you exposed to the Pope.

Another thing to keep in mind during exposure: you've already made your WH aware that Hot Pants could devolve into a sexual harrassment lawsuit, and he dismissed that as being something she would never do. That may or may not be accurate - she could become quite bitter if the A goes bust. Also, it isn't just Hot Pants who could file - depending on the situation, other students may be able to claim harassment because of the unfair treatment your H is giving Hot Pants. The university should be aware of this.

Today in afternoon will meet w/university administrator who I think might be the most interested in H's affair. Have exposed to all of our mutual friends outside university community in last couple of days....they are probably the most surprised unlike the ones in university community (who seem to all already know). I considered facebook but believe it or not Hot Pants and my H are not on facebook (of course they're a bit older than maybe most folks on facebook). I'm not on those networks either....think they're kind of unnecessary and add another thing you have to check for messages. I have over 100 business emails a day....don't need more communication. My sister has time for all that stuff and knows how to use it so she's been checking social networks for them...nada. PI gave info on OW's family....she's been estranged from them for years, they live on other side of the country. Her ex's are out of the picture and both remarried. She has no children. My parents and H's parents are deceased. H is only child. Family exposure is kind of irrelevant in our case.

I have let PI go...we got everything needed in a few days. Attorney and I talked yesterday afternoon and he is sending letter to H on my behalf discussing support of joint properties and obligations. I'm basically paying all bills right now and keeping track for attorney so we can ask for H to pay his share.

It's really kind of amazing. H has totally walked away. Left everything at home behind. His mail here is piling up and I'm now throwing it in paper bags (except for bills related to keeping properties going or anything else I could be involved in that might get overdue). Its like our life and I don't exist.

Maybe the fact he's just gone totally is good....no stress of having to face him, no feeling he's going to walk in any minute. I'm calmer than last week. Having sister here helps....I'm sleeping better.

I'm going through this process but still believe this is not going to have any effect, or if it does, it will not be known to me what happened due to personnel matters being confidential. If my H is confronted, he may or may not let me know anything about what's occurred since he's gone totally no contact with me and knowing him, he wouldn't want to give me the satisfaction of knowing I'd caused any problems for him. He obviously feels above reproach and has convinced himself there's nothing wrong with what he's doing. Frankly, in the university environment it isn't considered a big deal or why would it go on so openly? I know, using funds for trips with her is not kosher, but really, when I look at these receipts PI got for conference hotels.....and attorney pointed this out also.....both he and she registered as participants/presenters at conferences they went to. They had separate hotel rooms paid for by university or grant. The only thing we've got is receipts for room service meals for two and movies charged to room. Given we can prove he's staying with her here in town, one can assume she's the one in his hotel room, but no pictures or other definite proof it was her. There is talk in email copies I have of them where they discuss "getting away" just before going to conference, so its logical its her with him there. However, both he and she have legitimate reasons to be at these conferences related to work and presentations.

I think it may be a benefit to you that he is "going dark" for you. It gives your emotions time to settle, and there is no salt being thrown into an open wound.

If I understand it right, this a benefit of PB, to protect your sanity and your integrity. You do not want to (or need to) know all the snarky details of what he is up to right now. It is all fantasy, and she is having to meet ALL his EN's. Let them try real life for awhile.
disclaimer: I am not saying she should be in PB, but just pointing out the benefits of going dark...I wish more people understood this.

anyhew, LLL,
It will give you time to plan...

I am glad your PI did such a good job.

Hello LLL,
I'm up to snuff now.
You are still managing well, don't underestimate the triggers that will cripple you, they will fade in time.
That's great that your sister is there with you.
I can't remember if I read that you changed the locks or not, I think it would be a good idea if you can. WH has not returned, but this does not mean that he still wouldn't saunter in unexpectedly.

LG mentioned that he thought this might get ugly.
This thought prompted me to think 'what if your WH tried to smear your reputation out of vindictiveness' post exposure. He will be livid, expect this, this is the normal reaction of a WS. They are humiliated cuz they know what they are doing is below slug level.
In the general population, there is no real harm that could be done by a WS among family and mutual friends other than embarrassment of the BS.
This may not be the case with you, IDK.

So, I'm just saying that you may want to consider removing or destroying anything on the premises, that may be used and purposefully misinterpreted against your reputation/integrity.
KWIM?

Stay strong.

LLL's H does not strike me as the vindictive type.
My H did not go crazy after I exposed him. NOt a word came out of his mouth against me neither with me nor with his family. Total indifference towards my actions. Which is actually the most powerful weapon. Indifferece. See, he does not fuel anything because he does not ask questions nor tries to defend himself. He is just waiting for the storm to pass. He knows that as time goes by things get forgotten and anger gets less and less strong.
I think LLL's H is using this approach.
It is very very effective.
blessing

His 'plan B'ing you is not unusual at all.

My WH would have done it at first had I not immediately fell into plan A...not reacting to his words and actions but responding without lovebusters.

So, should you hear Boo from him you can still do plan A. He will hear of the exposures and explode and be venomous but you can respond with "I just revealed the truth. Sorry for your pain dealing with it". Etc. Wow....they can speil a big furocious storm of threats. Do not let him see you react in fear or anger,etc.

Then.....when you choose to.....you go plan B yourself.

Perhaps you will get a chance to work on the foundation of love with a plan A for a while, perhaps not.

If you do get a chance to pull him back into the home....do so to plan A if you are game for it.

It can be kind of fun, and I am not lying about that!

My WH who is out in the universe through my plan B thinks I am quite amazing. He is still addicted to his OW and playing that out but his respect and love for me took grand steps in the right direction before I sent him off.

LLL's H is plan B-ing her right now. He knows she will tell people and he is not reacting. He is going to play the indifference game IMO.
blessing

update please

Well, just as I expected, today's meeting was underwhelming. I met with high level univ administrator. He was cordial. He listened. He said he was sorry for my situation with H. I think he was rather surprised at the "data" I had and incontrovertible proof that H is living w/his doctoral student. He stated that this is certainly problematic and outside the ethical behavior of the univ faculty code. He said this is a personnel matter which he will take to the university standards and ethics committee. When I asked about the student involved and asked what the university action would be on her, he stated that the imbalance of power would place the responsibility on my H for this relationship. Punishing her through the university would probably be difficult since H will be seen as the person in control who should have exercised restraint.

He thanked me and again expressed his sympathy to me. He said and did all the right things with great dignity and restraint. He told me, as I knew, that because this was an internal personnel matter, he would not be able to share the actions of the standard and ethics committee.

Well, I did it. He's got copies of proof, so there can be no mistake that he didn't have enough to prove the relationship. If this moves with the usual speed of university navel contemplation, it'll be a long wait.

I am reluctant to go with the financial misuse because when I presented what I knew to my attorney, he took each thing I presented and blew holes in why it could be something else. Fertile ground for me to be sued by H if by chance I was wrong. And H and OW both had legit reasons to be at same conferences.

I'm already tired of this crap. I'm not going to spend much more of my life dealing with his infidelity and everything around it. I felt belittled by having to go and tell someone like this admin today that my H is cheating on me with a student. I feel disrespected, embarrassed and humiliated by his choices.