I don't know how to combine my threads so here's my story in a nutshell.

8 yrs ago - WH at A with my bf. We R and were doing good.

2007 - Unexpected pregnancy late in life. WH didn't deal w/it well.

Nov. 2008 - WH dad died without much notice. WH started going to bar and drinking regularly.

Dec. 2008 - I received letter that WH was having A w/bartender at local bar. He denied. I believe there was no PA or EA prior to this but was an inappropriate friendship with her (too friendly and told me nothing about her)

Jan 2009 - WH refused to stop going to the bar and I caught him kissing her at bar after it was closed. He was unapologetic. Said people needed to leave him alone and let him deal w/dads death. I made the decision to move a couple of blocks away for us to have a 'breather' Things were so intense and was not good for kids to be around. I told him I was moving out but we were to remain faithful to one another and work on our marriage.

March 2009 - I moved out. Continued to see him daily. Tried getting things worked out. Found out he was going out late at night. Found out he hung out till 3 am with OW and another couple 2 wks after I moved. Told him I could not deal with him having contact w/her and if thats what he was going to do it would lead to D. He continued to go out and lie about it to me.

April - caught her in my bed. I filed for divorce. He begged for another chance.

May - delayed divorce to go to IC

May - Sept. He continued to lie to me and have contact with her. I believe they had a full blown relationship during this time.

Sept. - started Divorce back up. He 'held gun to his head' and begged me for another chance. I stalled D again.

Sept - Nov - he continued to have contact with her. He claimed it was nothing more than friends. (He would go to the bar late at night and hang out w/her. He went there after everyone else was gone and stay with her till late)

Dec- said he was tired of playing games and paying my utility bills (court order) and gave me till the end of Jan to make up my mind on our marriage.

Dec - present - most of the time being nice and acting like I wished he would have a long time ago. Still not showing 100% ownership of what he did. Still wants to blame circumstances to some extent. But claims he wants me and his family back and wants to do what it takes to make it work.

Right now - I am lost. I don't know what to do. Don't know what kind of conditions to lay down for R. Any ideas? Any opinions? I'll give more detail info. Promise not to start new threads.

Are you sure you want him? Why?

How old are your kids and where are they living?

Is your WH an alcoholic?

My thought, too. He sounds like quite the abuser.

Yes he is abusing (by continuing this affair) you but not in such a manner that you shouldn't try things the MB way first to see if you can recover this marriage...that's if you decide you want to.

It's hopeless unless you move back in, expose the affair and start plan A-ing him. Read up here.

Why do I want him? Crazy, but I do love him. Financial security, nice home, don't have to have regular job, time with kids, etc.

My kids are 14 and 2.

He is not an alcoholic. One of the problems I have is his drug use. He smokes pot (daily till a few months ago but now seldom according to him) and takes valiums occasionally. He says he doesn't do that stuff much any more but drinks beer 3-4 times a week 'to take the edge off'. He is a good provider, never has been a party-er. Claims the pot and pills helps his intense headache more than anything else he has tried. He has never been strung out on drugs. I told him I no longer am willing to raise my kids in a home where illegal drugs are used. He says its wrong for me to change my mind now and wrong to expect him to change his ways since he has done these things since long before we knew each other. I would probably be satisfied with occasional drinks with dinner, not getting drunk or going to bars to drink, but a few beers w/friends once in a while is ok. And I would probably put up with him going to our detached garage once in a while to smoke. I wouldn't approve of it, just be willing to compromise a tiny bit.

The chemically dependant are, usually,hell to deal with.

What am I doing wrong? Am I not seeing or refusing to see positive changes in him? I stayed all night with him the other night. He told me the next day that when he got to lay in bed and snuggle our son that it was priceless, that he didn't want to miss out on the opportunity. He was almost in tears when he said it. Well, that really got under my skin. I didn't say anything at the time. He came over tonight and I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

I told him it really bothered me because all I could think was, 'it took you a year to realize that? I knew the day he was born that I never wanted to miss an opportunity like that' ( Our son was not planned, my husband was 50 and I was 37 when he was born. My husband has never dealt with this well). My husband has never asked to have our two kids for one on one time, overnight visits, let alone a weekend visit. He started watching them in Sept 2 nights a week while I go to class. Other than that, if it wasn't all of us together, he wasn't around.

This led into hours of arguing. He said he has tried to show me he wants me back. That he will be faithful to me. He said that he feels like nothing he does is good enough. It makes me wonder if anything he does ever will be. He said he was done playing games. I blew up! I told him I have been the one sitting alone in this house with our kids, taking care of their needs, waiting for him to do the right things and whatever it took to make things right. That I don't think I have been playing games. He says I am just holding on letting him pay my utility bills because I am afraid of living on my own. Well, I am afraid of being on my own. I have been with him since I was 19 and yes, he has always taken care of me. I am scared [censored] of life w/o him.

What am I missing? What will it take for me to see he is sincere and life with him can be good, no, better than it ever was? That is what I feel like I need. True hope that life will be BETTER THAN BEFORE. Is he truly doing all that he can and it just isn't good enough? Will I be making the biggest mistake of my life if I leave him?

I am going to college, hoping to get into a field that is the hardest to get accepted in (my first time to go to college). I work 4 hrs a week for minimum wage. There are no jobs around our area. If I leave, I will get one of our rental homes, no mortgage. Probably at least one other rental (we own 7) and a little cash. I don't know if I want to live w/o him but I don't know how to live w/him.

What conditions are too demanding for me to make? Some I think I need are: NC w/OW, stay away from bars, everything aspect of his life open to me, IC and MC, apology to my family, no smoking pot in my house, limited drinking unless its a problem, then no drinking, no illegal pills, no more smoking around our kids and me (I'm an ex-smoker and HATE the smell!) I have some more but would like your opinion, please!!!!!!

This might be a stupid question but I have to ask it. Does the type of affair the WS matter or is an affair an affair period?
My husband cheated on me twice. The first time with my bf. It was devastating. They had a 4 mth affair before I found out. It took all I had in me to forgive him. This time things are a little different and I question how much weight I should put into the circumstances.

First, his dad died and he was depressed and I guess more vulnerable. Second, he was accused of an affair by others before anything at least physical happened. He started going to the bar when his dad got sick and this was out of the norm for him and people in our small town notice these things. Yes, he did talk to the OW(the bartender), and thru phone records I seen where he called her twice (30 min long calls, his story was he was looking to buy some valiums off of her to help him deal w/things). Once I was told he was messing around w/her he was extremely angry that people would accuse him of this especially so soon after his dad died. He was angry and continued to go to the bar and talk to her against my wishes. I eventually found them making out at the bar and that led to me moving out.

I moved out for a break with the promise to be faithful to one another. We remained in constant contact and maintained our sex life.

Within a few weeks I found out they slept together. He said it was because he felt abandoned by me and was so upset that I would move out so soon after his dad's death. He said they had nothing more than a friendship from the start and he felt like in some way or another he was being pushed to be with her. Because of the accusations, the abandonment, all the circumstances going on made the relationship happen. He says he feels confident that if his dad hadn't died, or if people hadn't accused him, nothing would have happened.

I know those are all excuses for him to give and gave him no right to make the choices he made. He still swears that there was nothing more than a friendship and if I hadn't moved he probably wouldn't have slept with her..

Should the circumstances surrounding the affair affect the severity of the act? Should you consider extenuating circumstancing when deciding to go forward or divorce? Should the fact that I moved out before he slept with her play a role in my decision?

While I think you made a mistake in moving out if you wanted to fix the marriage, I don't in any way think it is an excuse for his having an affair.

It is up to your H to earn your trust. It is not your job to give him trust. Trust is precious and must be earned by hard work. He needs to show you reliable, dependent behavior over a long period of time. He has to own his behavior and prove to you that he is husband and father material.

Is he still seeing OW or talking to her? If he is, you must expose this affair before you do anything else.

The "extenuating circumstances" are that your husband is blaming everyone except HIMSELF for his choices. He is the one person who is responsible for the affair. No one else is responsible. All the rest of this is bullcrap.

If he can't take responsibility for his OWN BAD CHOICES, then this will happen again. He needs to man up and stop playing the blame game. Your marriage will never recover otherwise.

turtlehead,

I agree, moving out was a mistake. I was ready to move back home a few weeks after I moved. I went over to tell him and he was being a jerk to me the second I walked in the door. I was so upset that I didn't say anything to him then. Two days later, I caught him in a lie about where he was the night before. I didn't tell him I knew he was lying, kept it to myself and watched his activities closer. I saw a suspicious text on his phone and the next day went to our house to find her there! He claimed that was the first time he slept with her.

A few months later we went to MC and he swore their relationship was over but I continued to find evidence and see them together. The last known contact I know of was the end of Nov. I also know she sent him a message on facebook in Dec ( I discovered his password, of course he doesn't know that)but I don't think he got that. He says the PA ended a long time ago but a casual friendship remained because I was keeping him in limbo and wasn't living at home with him. Now, as you can see from my first post, he wants to know this weekend if I am moving back in, if not he wants a divorce.......

crazygirl, as long as other people are responsible for your H's choice to have an affair, then other people can push him to do it AGAIN. All you have to do is accuse him of cheating and that will cause him to have an affair. Or if someone dies in his family, he will have an affair.

So, it is just a matter of time before some other tragedy befalls him and he has an affair.

How old is this boy?

Is his mother still alive? Does him's momma know he is a liar and a cheater?

Is it just me? or are others upset that WH is putting these kinds of limits on her? Why does he hold all of the cards when he is the one who cheated?

Crazy- it is up to YOU if you want to R. By that I mean it is YOUR choice. That being said, WH has to be at a place where he WANTS to save this M. I also agree with the other posters that he needs to take responsibility for his A.

Crazy:

Stop the madness.

HE has the problem.

HE needs a twelve step program to remain in YOUR LIFE.

Stop enabling him.

LG

I know these are all lame excuses. I am afraid that if the truth be known I lost my husband 3 yrs ago when I got pregnant.

I truly felt I had the husband I wanted a few years after the first affair. I was very secure and was no longer worried he would cheat again. He did not take the pregnancy well at all. He admitted to me he felt I got pregnant on purpose and didn't let go of those feelings for a long time.

I think the truth is he was crushed by the pregnancy. I don't think he was out looking for someone. I think he was so mad that his future was taken away from him he let his guard down and became vulnerable over the past two years. I think the death of his father was the straw that broke the camel's back for him. I truly believe he had a mid-life crisis and when his dad died he no longer cared.

It is killing me to come to the realization that my beautiful little boy was the demise of my marriage.......

To answer your questions, he's now 52 yrs old and yes his mom knows all about the affairs now. He brought her into this a few months ago to show her everything I wanted to 'take' from her son in a divorce (WE acquired several properties during our marriage and now that divorce is an option, they became HIS and he feels I have no rights to them no matter what state law says). She knew little to nothing about the A's before that. This was a huge ordeal in itself. I feel sorry for that woman. She has stayed out of this mess but of course she has stuck by her son, I would stick by my son too in the same situation, I'd kick his A$$ but I would still love him....

I have tried to figure out how to put this to you. I have written about 5 different things and I had to delete them each time because I want to be nice about it but........

WTF?????????

Your son is the reason your H had an affair? Ummmmmmm NO WAY


YOUR HUSBAND IS SOLELY responsible for his affair.

Did you get that? No death of father or birth of child. YOUR HUSBAND CHEATED. He needs to be responsible for his affair/s.