Then you're not in Plan B.

Plan B means she goes and you stay DARK. She doesn't come back until she meets every condition. Without conditions of her own.

In my Plan B letter, I told WW to email me at a specific address with a specific subject line (otherwise I would just delete anything she sent to me). At that point, we would meet somewhere neutral and discuss the possibility of her return.

She's not coming back into my house just because she's crashed, OM has dumped her, or for any other reason than she's ready and willing to work on recovering the M.

Those are my boundaries.

I suggest you set your own.

PM

Great to hear from you.

You told me about a year ago or longer to get an IC-Church-AA-Alano and pray. I am doing all those.

DD does need me and I am to the point where it will be losing everything to walk away. DD just wants to get away from all this and she knows I am healthier and supportive of her.


I believe a better future may come later-just hard to initiate because I do have a desired outcome-Not sure if it lines up with BIGGER Plans from above.
The plan is to keep DD and mysefl safe
Nesre

Fred

We talked the other night-Nothing the police will do if she breaks into the house unless she is violent. As long as her name is on the title they will do nothing.

Talked to both City police and county after we spoke.
Have appointment-gotta run

Nesre

That's correct. But you can take measures to see that the only way she gains access to the house IS by breaking in. If she's drunk, being violent is just a step away...

More than likely she will not get violent w/DD or myself. That has not been her pattern. I could be wrong though I know she is capable because she has been in scraps b4 out an about havin those good party times.. My main concern is it does not get turned around on me.

Could make it harder for her to get in several small ways. Still if any person wants in they can get in.

She may be drunk when she comes- WALKING -Therefore nothing the cops can do. She may be drunk but she's not stupid.

I CAN FAINTLY HEAR PEP-NESRE-NESRE-VIDEO CAMERA PSSSST..VIDEO CAMERA

NESRE

Fred




What do you suggest with someone who will not respect your bounderies. I read a little of your thread and I seem to remember the house and such was only in your name. Would it be a different story if her name was on it also? How about all the other members here who own joint property? Legally you can't keep the other party from it. Any one who leaves there JOINT property only leaves out of respect for the other spouse. They stay gone because they respect the boundry. PERIOD

If your W bombed in for any reason and you had joint property (no respect 4 your boundries)then how would you keep her out? I have talked to a lawyer and the police.
I have boundries -PLB letter-was a good written one but seem to be involved with a boundery breaker.

I believe this is why the IC suggested me leaving unannounced to my OWN SPACE. If other options exist and members share I would sure like to be aware of them or what they tried..Video camera may serve more purposes as I think about it more.
D even takes time and a lot can happen during that time. Not really after D. Also a big concern is I do not want to do anything to jeopardize my R with DD.

Thats what I am really asking.
Nesre

You are right, Nesre. In my case, my WW told ME she was moving out. And then we agreed upon a move-out date. And because the house is my house, it wasn't hard to put into the agreement.

Have you investigated getting your own separation agreement (you may have, but I'm running late & can't read your entire thread)? It's an agreement, so it would require both of your signatures, but it might be worth investigating.

Moving to your own space is risky, because you could then be possibly charged with abandonment.

The video camera may be your best choice. In that case, the best Plan B I can think of is "avoidance." Try not being in the same room in the house as her, at all possible times. If she walks in, you walk out.

Ugh. It's partly the way my WW and I were during the first weeks after D-day.

I admit, I'm a bit flustered right now. I need to think about this.

Fred

4X since May 2009 professional detoxes-recorded-paid for

In-patient alcohol treatment in Dec 2006-Nov 2009-op started in Oct 2009 and she quit

There are enough people around me that no the situation and would sign affidavids if need be.

DD16 is more than willing to leave with me.

Abandonment???

In the middle of last treatment I asked WW (Because she showed nothing to me-and very little to DD) to please go to a halway house or sober living.
She came home-went 2 weeks sober and then started in again.

When she moved??stayed in apt for (don't know what the deal was) close by that is when I gave her the PLB letter.

I still don't know if the apt is rented to her or what the deal is.

ABandonment????? My IC keeps asking why I've stayed so long???
My PLB was dark for the short days it lasted. She broke into the house and then went to parents-Sobered up again-Just came here unannounced-(our home)- when I was at work-Stayed sober about 2 weeks and is now at it again.

I know in one of Harleys atricle He says"when it comes to addictions (not A's) spouses may run for the hills. I'll see if I can find it later.

I think most judges may look at what I am doing and go "are you Nuckin Futz??

Nesre

At the end of the day, I think maybe I'd agree with "most judges."

'Nuff said...

She breaks your boundaries because she has no real consequences for breaking them.

Your plan to find an apartment and move must also be legal severance of the relationship, unfortunately.

You can't negotiate with a drunk.

When you've had enough of being helpless and wringing your hands to her "bull-in-a-china-shop" behavior in your life, you'll get it - the divorce and then you can legally charge her for breaking and entering.

The police can do nothing you're not willing to do for yourself.

KA and Fred

Thanks for the help.



Saturday-Went and viewed 3 apts-Signed-Will know Tues or WED if I get it and when I can move.


Knowing myself and having a past history with OM's blood on my knuckles (5 yrs ago we had a run in-not something I am proud of) It is time for me to get out. Waiting and trying to negotiate with WW is done until alcohol is done.



I am a good enabler-Just stared at the doors of opportunity too long without making choices. I am comfortable with this decision-This will be the better choice for myself and DD.

Have a call into lawyer to set up time to meet and file. I don't see any other options to protect myself or DD. Its long overdue.

We can not get away from her as long as we are still in the same hood. Even if we can get away from her we still can't get away from Baldo and for me it keeps the hurt alive just with him passing by the house.
I choose not to live in this situation anymore. I choose not to subject DD to it anymore.

I know its backwards from MB's principles for me to leave my home. How many dollars Is DD's and myself mental health worth??

I'll take a kick in the pants financially as I have at other times in my life. At this point the $$ cost doesn't even come close to covering what we would gain by having our own protected space.

Nesre

I would be sure to take steps so that your next place of residence is unknown to her.

I would suggest a PO Box for forwarding mail, so that she doesn't find your new place and just follow you there.

Any loophole you don't close, will be walked through and you'll be back in the same place and at the financial loss you'll have taken to rid yourself of her.

Thanks KA

Thanks PM-I read your entire thread last winter. What a story!

This may be tough with DD to help with. I know she will be on board for a short time because she has agreed to keep silent for a while.

We are going to a security building in a crime free zone where above normal income is required for residency acceptance. One of the main reasons I picked the place. Better family type middle income clientel.
I don't believe in this environment I would even have to call the police because someone else would beat me to it if she is out of line-drunk-loud-dangerous.

JUST plain being outta place may trigger a visit from the police.

I am not a hard person to track down. Even security buildings are easily accessible in this town.

I will be getting a PO box and am instructing close friends and family to be tight lipped.

Nesre

Just wanted to post quick. DD16 and I moved yesterday to a secure apt at unknown location to WW.

Left a detailed short PLB letter with WW asking for the same things I have asked for for almost five years now.

Short version= Quit drinking. Quit Affair. When you have 30 days sober I will consider having contact with you. When yoou send me NC letter I will consider our MR. Use intermediary.

t. Just wanted to let anyone following know we made the move. DD was so great. She packed almost her whole room and belongins up herself and put most of it in her vehicle. WW probably fueled it pretty good.

We did this after WW came home fro m??? at 8 am and left for her classes. She had left at 5pm the night b-4.

No internet access yet but I managed to pick up a n unsecure wi-fi. Don't know how long I'll be able to use it. Try to post more later.

Nesre

This is what my DD needs to see and know.
I -we (DD) are giving all up.. We live on a beuatiful lake home. We have all the goodies that go with it.

In my letter to WW which DD read I said the material belongings are not worth the trade off as we watch what you call "your life"

This is my stand to show her what life is like without alcohol and A's. How a real loving relationship is totally dufferent from what she has been viewing.

There are limits in life-bouderies are to protect ourselves.

At 16 I hope I can get some of this through to her.

Nesre

Trust your DD to see the reality that is around her.....

Be the loving father that you are to her.....

Tell her you love her .......

And know that you have done the best you could to save your marriage and protect your DD.......

I'm proud of you

Thanks SC. Its still kinda hard to believe we are here.

Apartment dwelling really hasnt been my thing for quite a few years but I'm sure we will get used to it.

Every chance I get I tell my DD and DS I love them. My son has on purpose stayed away from us close to three years now. I am not sure and he wont say but I ssuspect he was sick of the bull from his mother and just chose not to be involved in it. For a while I would stop at his place and have short visits. After an incedent between him and his mother he wont even answer the door to me even if I am alone.

I will be contacting him to let him know we moved and see if I can get some kind of relationship going with him again. I know DD misses him and I sure do.

WW has tried to play games all weekend. Not as bad as first PLB. She only called about 10 times Friday and only a couple of times Saturday/Sun. She has used IM which surprised me.

She did call the cops today. I think she thought there was something they could really do. I think the officer was a little offended when she commented that she just wanted to make sure I didnt rent right next to a CRACK HOUSE> Even he laughed when he said . He had to call me and also have DD cell # so he could call her. Just had to check that the big bad evil Nesre wasn't keeping DD from contact with her WW mother.

What a joke. I was on DD all weekend to call b/c she promised to call her.

DD and her BF went to see her about 5PM and just called and are on there way back.

I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall.

Have an appt. w/lawyer thursday to see how I should proceed. I've got to protect myself at this point.

WW having a car is really the only thing that really scares me. She ran into a phone pole w/DD'a a little over a year ago and has been driving our new one while drunk..

WOULD IT MAKE ME THE BIG PRI--K IF I JUST TOOK IT????

THE CAR IS TOTALLY IN MY NAME. I am making the payments on it. THE HOUSE IS 20 MiLES FROM WHERE WE DO A LOT OF BUSINESS AND SHOPPING OTHERWISE THERE ARE SMALL HICK TOWNS WITHIN 5 MILES.

ANY OPINIONS??????? ARE WELCOME.

Nesre