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It's been over a month since D-Day. I have been with my boyfriend for over 6 years and he has had the A on and off for over 2 years. We have had a really rocky relationship for the last 3-4 years. We have lived together for almost 5. I know I haven't the easiest person to be with.
After I discovered the A, he said that he wanted to make it work with me but he needs to deal with his "inner demons" first and he's scared to jump back in the relationship. I understood that. He said that he sees a marriage and he wants to work it out with me. He says he can't picture his life w/o me. He told me it's over romantically with her about 2 weeks ago.
At this point, we are still kind of living together. I've been gone a lot of weekends (I have family in from out of town and I went home to see them). I keep picturing them together and I don't know if they are over and done with. I keep having this reoccuring nightmare/fear that he is still seeing her.
He had a secret cell phone that he used to talk to her. He supposedly broke that phone in front of me but he could have bought another phone to replace it. He has an ATM that I don't access to (I never have) so I don't know what he's putting on there. I kicked him out when I first discovered the A since then, he's been looking for apartments any time I say ," I can't do this. I'm going crazy!" I'm afraid he already has another apartment to keep his relationship with the OW alive. I'm SO anxious everyday thinking that him being sorry and wanting to make things work is going to blow up in my face and come crashing down on me again. I'm SO afraid that the OW is going to call me again and tell me that he's still with her and they've taken their relationship to the next level or I'm going to find some incriminating evidence that he's still lying to me.
I just can't shake this nagging feeling that my world is going to come crashing down again. When we are together, things are great... better than before. When I'm gone, I keep picturing him with her and him lying to me about everything. What should I do? Am I being overly emotional and letting my imagination run wild?
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WTDN,
Are you married? I am assuming by your post that you are not. That being the case I would end this relationship immediately. He is not ready for marriage nor is he suitable marriage material. That does not make what you going through any less painful, but those are the realities of it.
I am sorry for your pain......get rid of him, grieve the loss, and get someone who is WORTHY of YOU.....you deserve much better than what this sorry chap is giving you
not2fun
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I know I haven't the easiest person to be with. ((((WTDN)))), OH PLEASE....do not buy into this line of bull....you have been with this man for 6 yrs. IF you weren't the "easiest" person to live with then why is he still there????.......(we ALL have our "issues".....)....doesn't mean you can't work on some of your faults, BUT.... in NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM is his philandering your fault. It totally his to own. And since he is so broken, if I were you I wouldn't wait around to fix him.... not2fun
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Thank you for replying. I need people to talk to.
I know I am not responsible for his A. He says that too. I am responsible for the declining of our relationship but not for the cheating.
No we are not married but we have always talked about marriage. We have always felt like we were basically married, living together and raising a dog like our child.
Getting out of it is easier said than done. We have been through so much together and it's really hard. I have kicked him out numerous times because I wasn't sure if I could handle this anymore but it's very hard. I know he's trying a little bit but I still have this nagging feeling. I'm trying to muster the strength to do what's right for me. I'm just so heartbroken by all of this. I keep going back and forth to leaving and staying.
People tell me to run far far away from him but it's so difficult. I keep holding onto hope that he's really a changed man.
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WTDN, The problem is the weak boundaries you both have set in this six-year relationship (as a result of living together too) will continue into a marriage until you stop and make some serious changes. Changes begin with you. Below is what the author of this site writes about living together before marriage. Please click on the link and read rest of article. In my experience and in reports I've read, the chances of a divorce after living together are huge, much higher than for couples who have not lived together prior to marriage. If living together were a test of marital compatibility, the statistics should show opposite results -- couples living together should have stronger marriages. But they don't. They have weaker marriages. Glad you are here BTW  GG
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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What, I also believe you have to stop living with this man, at least to give you space to get information and make an informed decision about your future. Maybe this article by Dr. Harley on living together will be helpful: living together before marriage
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I thought this was the "Marriage Builders" web site. This isn't a married couple, and from where I sit, they shouldn't be. Maybe I'm just tired of the "smash and grab" posters who have come this way recently, but my advice to WTDN is to get a copy of one or more of Dr. Harley's books (I'd suggest starting with " Defending Traditional Marriage: It Starts With You" and " Your Love and Marriage), read the articles that are here on the web site and then come back when there's a marriage to build.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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General rule:
If a potential future spouse CHEATS on you BEFORE marriage ... you have been given a peek into your future if you "hope" they change, and marry them anyway.
If you do marry a person whom you KNOW has cheated on you BEFORE marriage, you have no right to complain if they cheat on you AFTER marriage.
Why?
Because they already warned you, and you did not listen to the warning.
Last edited by Pepperband; 01/31/10 11:12 AM.
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The article was a very informative one and I can now see the reasons why living together is a bad choice. I moved away for college and he came a year later so it was a better choice for us to live together. He didn't know anyone where we moved and he didn't have a job yet. I hated my roommates and I wanted to move the heck out of there. He came to visit me a lot the first year of college and it just seemed so natural. We didn't have a big discussion of moving in together.. it just happened and I loved it.
Because we have lived together for so long, it's hard to pull away. When he's not there, I have trouble sleeping, even before the A. It's comforting to know he's there. It's hard to live by yourself. I am going to try to pull myself apart from this but it's so fresh and so painful. =(
Last edited by WhatToDoNow1218; 01/31/10 11:05 AM.
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I personally had one other serious relationship (14 years) before my one and only marriage (28 years).
Trust me ... living together is NOT marriage.
Living together is 2 RENTERS pretending to be home BUYERS.
Not at all "the same".
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Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.
Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.
Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful. Be back in a sec to post a link.... LINK to a book you should read - ASAP It's exactly the information you need right now.
Last edited by Pepperband; 01/31/10 11:11 AM.
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Fred, I understand what your thinking. I believe the advice given here is appropriate for her situation. I disagree that this site is only for married couples. I believe many vets have given excellent advice to single people who came here considering marriage. Even Harley has written some excellent advice here for pre-marriage. I hope you make today a good day Gg
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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Because we have lived together for so long, it's hard to pull away. When he's not there, I have trouble sleeping, even before the A. It's comforting to know he's there. It's hard to live by yourself. I am going to try to pull myself apart from this but it's so fresh and so painful. =( WTDN, I am sorry you are in this situation, but you have been saved by the fact that you didn't actually marry this guy. Living together RUINS relationships by setting up a renters mentality. Just ask yourself how you treat a rental house compared to one you bought? It is the same principle in relationships. Marriages that start out by living together have an 85% divorce rate and are usually a disaster. I know it will be hard, but if you don't get out of this now, you will be facing much worse in a future with this man. Leaving will be short term pain for long term gain, whereas staying will be short term pain and LONG TERM PAIN. If you want to read an indepth explanation of why living together is such a bust, order Dr Harley's book, Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders and jump to the chapter titled Compatibility Test or Curse? Living together before marriage. Dr Harley calls it the "curse of living together before marriage." Get out now while the getting is good, friend. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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With all due respect, gg, this is the "Surviving An Affair" board. What WTDN is posting about is not an affair. At least not in the sense that she has a husband who is cheating on her.
Pepperband has posted the "buyers, renters and freeloaders" data.
I'm not against offering marriage building advice. In fact, I look for it here every day! I just think this is not the appropriate forum for WTDN's questions. But I'm not a moderator, so I will excuse myself now...
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Fredo - we see this on MB all the time.
At least this poster admitted right away she was not married.
We've spent time and energy trying to "save" a marriage that never was .... because the original poster lied to us. 
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Well, Fred is right. Dr Harley does not treat marriages the same as living together situations. The advice he gives to married couples is very different from those that are not married. "I treat premarital relationships very different than marital relationships. The former are tentative and the latter are life-long commitments."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Fredo -
There was (once upon a time) a married couple on MB who got married 2 weeks after the woman discovered her fiance was cheating !!!
2 weeks after d-day, she MARRIED him !!!
They were a complete mess.
They are divorcing.
It got so ugly.
If we can open this young woman's eyes, and she does NOT marry her "cheater" ... we all feel the better for it.
Last edited by Pepperband; 01/31/10 11:24 AM.
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I've said my peace. I'll say no more on this thread.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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If we can open this young woman's eyes, and she does NOT marry her "cheater" ... we all feel the better for it. Yes! Fred, not all newbies know where to post on these multiple forums. Gg
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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Alot of ppl come here believing that living together is the SAME as being married so hopefully we can help them see it is NOT. When I came here I thought it was the same and it took me a long time to figure out otherwise.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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