If her H was so adamant about work-related contact (as he should have been) then their original recovery would have included her quitting her job. He had to know there would be a distinct possibility of continuing contact if she didn't. Apparently, that was something he was willing to risk.

Therefore, if he discovered there was ongoing contact, I'm thinking he must have a reason to question the nature of this contact. By allowing her to stay on the job, he was accepting the possibility of work-related contact. For him to get this worked up over on-the-job contact, which is a given if she still works with the OM, there must have been some deeper form of physical/emotional contact that he discovered that he was not okay with.

Yes, I agree and understand, U233. Hopefully, if you follow through on the suggestions we gave you, he will calm down and give this a second chance.

I assume this means that you had some sort of intimate contact with the OM then, not just work-related contact?

I think that goes without saying.

writer, what matters is the contact, whether work related or intimate, has upset her husband to the point that he wants out of the marriage. That is what is relevant.

Okay, but if the deal-breaker for her H was any type of contact at all, he would have insisted that she quit her job in the first place. He didn't, so how could any type of contact be the deal-breaker?

writer: HERE is what is relevant:


What is relevant is that there has been contact and the H now wants to end the marriage. The "type" of contact is not the issue.

One additional caveat . . . . as I mentioned earlier, the nature of our employment makes it much easier to be completely transparent with my H. We work almost side by side on a daily basis. He has access to my work e-mail account (in addition to our home account) and work and personal cell phone records. I have blocked the OM from instant messaging me. The only other means of contact is through my work phone (land line). I plan to have the operator forward all my calls to my H's phone first thing Monday morning.

I know I have to be patient, give him space, and repect his decision not to reconcile. He will likely go on in life without me. But I have to commit to trying to win him back even if it is from a distance.

writer, he wants to end the marriage, so the contact WAS a deal breaker for him. I am not understanding why you are pettifogging the issue? Her husband wants out of the marriage. What is so hard to understand about that?

I don't see much hope in you saving your M if all three of you work together.

Do you have any children?

ARe you going to be leaving the job?

Yes, if that is what it takes to save this marriage. I am not struggling to justify staying at my job as means of having a link to OM or any other man for that matter (besides H). In fact, the reason my H and I agreed I should keep my job is that it provides maximum accountability for my whereabouts and actions. It might sound counter intuitive but it is true. The point of describing the work scenario is to show that it is much easier for me to have a transparent relationship if I work here. My H can keep an eye on me 24/7 very easily whereas if I work elsewhere or be a stay at home mom, he will not have as many opportunities to watch what I am doing. If it weren't for IM and work phone, there would have been no contact at all. That is why I have now blocked those avenues.

I understand that he wants out of the marriage plain and simple. I lose.

u233, but that all misses the basic point. Can an alcoholic recover from his alcoholism if people just WATCH HIM DRINK? Or does he have to stop drinking in order to recover?

That is the issue with you. Working with the OM while your H watches has not prevented you from having an affair in the past and it won't in the future.

That is because working in the same place as the OM keeps him TOP OF MIND. It keeps you both perpetually triggered. You can't withdraw from the OM that way.

As your husband has learned the hard way, you CAN carry on an affair even while working with your H 24/7.



And keeping your job has led to this terrible state.

MelodyLane, thanks for reinforcing it. If the OM is at the "top of mind" it is to make me puke. I can't think of any more disgusting thought than him.

Yes, we do have children. We have a wonderful life. I threw it in the garbage. I am going to work to pull it out.

That disgust can quickly change into fond feelings if contact is continued. That is why absolute no contact is essential to making this work.

Hopefully, your H will calm down and give you another chance, u233. But I would make sure he understands the only way to make this work is to leave that job.

I usually thread very lightly when I see Mel doing her thing with someone and this time will be no exception. For some reason, I want to shake the tree and see what falls.

Not that I am cynical or anything, but are you posturing given that your husband reads this site? While on the surface, it doesn't appear that you are, it is still a thought that might just appear in your husband's mind.

See, it is trust that is lost given your situation. The second time around probably took at least as much from the trust account as the first time, if ... not ... more.

I also note that you have described yourself as wishy-washy.

That usually means a life of impulse that is often expressed as hedonist in style versus one that is based on ethics and principal. Perhaps I didn't understand your point.

I am also curious how many kids you have and their ages. Do they know?

Anyway, you have a hard row ahead of you, brought on by what you did, twice. I do wish upon you the fortitude to walk the narrow path to recovery, or not as the case may be, with determination.

It seems to me you have several tasks ahead of you.

1. Restoration of trust.
2. Restoration of your lost integrity.
3. Bonding with the family again, to include the kids you betrayed.
4. Bonding with your husband as a partner.

Lemme go into number 4 a bit. See, you're blowing a lot of air extolling him to the sky and how perfect he is. Well, that might be ringing a bit false with him, since he well knows he isn't perfect. Could be that you transferred your infatuation from the OM to your husband and that's ok, but it won't last since infatuations never do.

And it could be real remorse on your part and the wasteland you see ahead of you without him.

Lots of guys come one here with stories of how hard they had to work to get their wives back. Spend some time reviewing as many stores as you can, it will give you perspective. And read what Harley has to say, he has the only proven rocky road I know of that might just help you.

For the record, I see no path that would lead you to have an affair with someone else if you quit your job. Your husband is taking the wrong path there not matter how he justifies it. And he has been here, and read what he has read; he knows better.

Please follow Mel's advice to you and by all means, recommend that your husband start his own thread here so he can get some good advice. Upwards of 60-80% of marriages are afflicted by one or more of the partners in the marriage committing adultery. It isn't the end of the world or the relationship if both parties don't want it go that route.

Larry

Hmmm. I didn't realize that my comments about my H could be taken as posturing to win my H's favor. He is flawed just like any person. He has deeply hurt me in the past. I used that pain as a justification for having the A. That right there proves shows my lack of ethics and principle. He and I both know he isn't perfect but he is my husband and I love him (although my actions lately haven't shown it). You hit the nail on the head about my feelings . . . i see a wasteland ahead of me without him.

My children are very young and don't yet know what has happened.

I am just beginning the slow road to accomplishing the 4 tasks you listed.

Again, thanks for the comments. I will keep reading.

It's one thing to have an affair.

Another one to have an affair with a co worker.

Another of all another's to have an affair with an OM that works with you and your BH.

Unfortunatly you and your BH need to find new jobs with a new company in a new town far enough so that it will not be worth while for the OM to try to restart this affair later on.

For your BH to have to face this OM on a daily basis is more then a BH should have to face. OM talk. OM bragg. OM has been going on behind your BH's back letting people know that he nailed BH's WW.

The only way out is for the both of you to move far away.

Was the OMW exposed?

What name did your BH post under?

Does he still post?

Can you get him back on MB under his own name?

Well, when someone has an affair, there are all sorts of justifications floating around. After all, common sense says that spouse is gonna be hurt. My wife decided that I probably wouldn't care. LOL... Oh, and things I had done (about which I knew nothing) had hurt her so there you go. Affairs rewrite history.

Now he could very well have hurt you "deeply" in the past. I am not mocking that. How do you rank what he did versus what you did?

The horror of an affair is a failure to protect the kids, especially if the BS decides to take a hike. On the other hand, taking a hike is a good thing under the circumstances if he/she (the bs) turns abusive or has been abusive. And that happens.

There is no reset button.

This place is both a haven and where you can validate your feelings and thought processes. Welcome to MB and the resources here. I agree that even in this troubled economy, it might be necessary for the both of you to seek employment elsewhere to fully recover. There all sorts of feelings associated with that path. Your husband might love his job, for example.

Reading Harley will provide you with perspective and method.

Posting here will help you sort things out. By all means, consider asking the Harleys for help. They are the experts and can provide you and your husband with professional guidance.

Larry

Excellent points, Larry! So good to see you back.