Not sure I spelled that right. But, I was wondering, how many BSs had WSs that were the pursuers in the initiation of the cheating?
And, for the WSs here, how many view themselves as the driving force in the cheating?

My WH has always been a flirt, but I'm not sure if he was the agressor or not. He flirts a lot, but usually nothing comes of it; so maybe OW was the agressor.

As far as being the driving force...I know I missed EN's in our marriage and take full responsibility for that. I think the driving force was my H deployment along with the pain I felt from the email he accidently sent me and subsequent distance that put between us for a month or so.

I wish I knew. I guess it doesn't really matter though. Even if he wasn't the agressor,he could have said no. I did.

Hey Z,

Both Skattorney and OM (when I talked to him) have said that SHE was the initiator.

And if I was to wager a diet coke on it, I'd say Skattorney is still the aggressor......

Thanks,
TB

I'm pretty sure it was 50/50.

Pepper, I love the Sponge Bob curse words, lol! But yes, I think it takes two to tango.

Like most of the details of the affair, I have no idea, Zelmo. Throughout our marriage, WXH avoided social situations like the plague, he was cranky most of the time - with friends as well as family. He was never drop dead gorgeous even before his developed his spare tire and lost most of his hair so it's not like he was beating them off with a stick at any point in time. He was a manager at work and if he ruled his department the way he tried to rule the house I can't see how he'd be very popular there either (I've heard rumors that he's not). He lives by the mantra that he who yells loudest is the most right about anything. He can also be crude and rude in public. I can't imagine him "aggressively" going after anyone at all, let alone OW. But it was difficult for me to understand how anyone would go after him either. Then again, OW is dumb beyond my wildest imagination so perhaps I just can't see it.

The real question is, does it matter?

Awright, I take the bait on another of Zelmos's existential conundrums: Yeah, personally I think it was ridiculous the way OW kept throwing herself at me; and looking back to the period before our EA began, I still can't imagine me seeking her out. But as ExpectsaMiracle said, I don't think any of that matters. I had plenty of chances to make clearer that her attentions weren't welcome, and ultimately I didn't, because in my heart, they obviously weren't unwelcome, at the time -- as proven by events.
It takes two.

I'd say, in my case, it was 50/50.

Here's another query(not sure if it is existential), but how many BSs really have no idea what really went on? How many were simply told that it was not important or were left without explanation or details?
I guess I will never really know what went down(or who went down)? I know about two affairs but there may well be more. I do not have an exact timeline and can only use the date of the purchase of the cell phone and associated records to date the onset. But, it might have been in place well before.
I guess it really does not matter that much, as serial cheating is a dealbreaker for me regardless of details. But sometimes I do wonder about the reality.

I believe my wife was the aggressor. Especially when they were in bed.

Sure the OM made her feel sexy and fed the fantasy. And sure, it all kind of happened "by accident" and they were "just friends." But my WW boarded planes to different states to meet him. That's no accident, and he did not force her to do it.

She has also hinted that she never felt comfortable doing certain sexual things with me... in other words, she felt really comfortable doing those things to OM!!! Ugggghh!

I'd think one would have to define what the aggressive move was. Or moment.....OW is a notorious flirt with her customers....hey, she's got a business to keep after all. She always flirted in their transactions, but her flirting was even across the board with all of her customers.....

H was the one to make that first "after hours" phone call. During the affair, they both agreed that H was aggressor because of this move. IF he had never called her, they wouldn't have taken it where it lead, but then again, wouldn't it??...(that is a rhetorical question all....)...

NOW, when it came to who made the first physical move, OW is 120% to blame. She hugged and gave my H a kiss first (no, he didn't push her away, but that is not the point....) and then suggested they take this to her room....

So, the aggressor.....they both were.....each being aggressive in different moves in the game....

not2fun

GloveOil, I agree...

"Yeah, personally I think it was ridiculous the way OW kept throwing herself at me; at looking back to the period before EA began, I still can't imagine me seeking her out"

I felt the same way about our mutual friend who eventually hit on me. Maybe I was just niave. My H told me he liked me, but I thought it was ridiculous. He was 12 years younger, married to my best friend's daughter, friends with my husband, my son's coach. He'd talk to me every once and a while about sports or my friend, so when he started flirting I really thought he was trying to cheer me up. Then when he hit on me, alarms went off. I was shocked that I was wrong and my H was right.

I told him no and avoided him after that; he'd text me and tell me he and his W were over and getting a D and would ask me to meet him. I kept encouraging him to work on his M; which he saved thank God. But I can see how it could get out of hand. It was a compliment that he thought I was pretty, but I just couldn't go there. I love my H too much and my friend.

Maybe that's why all this hurts so much. I felt I made the right choice for nearly a year while my H was away; even after his cruel email he sent to me, and it took my H less than a week to start his PA. It really made me question my faith in God.

The FOW was the aggressor for sure......

My h kept telling her he was happily married but she would go to his job sites during the day and call him and ask his opinion on work things and she asked him to help her with some of her personal stuff and that is when it turned into more.

To me it seems odd to consider who was the aggressor. Since it takes two to have an A, it should always be close to 50/50. Maybe you can stretch it to 60/40 or something, but wayward is wayward no matter who initiates it. If a WS is that put off by aggressive advances from someone outside of the M, they certainly didn't come clean to their spouse.

I think it is relevant, however, to think in terms of whether the WS was actually looking for an A. In my case, unfortunately I was looking for it.

Both WS and OP are the aggressors. They are just generally seeking different things.

For example, I would say that my FWW was seeking to have her EN's met, so in that sense she was the aggressor. However, I think OM was/is seeking a relationship and as such, was saying and doing anything he could to get my FWW.

Count me as one that doesn't know the whole story and never will. All I do know is that everything he said was a lie. In some cases, I was able to uncover the truth about certain events. But there is a whole lot more that I don't know, other than to know that what I was told was untrue.

As for whether it matters, well it does to me. I'm not sure if my whole marriage was a sham or just the last year (or 2 or 3). I can't look back at pictures of my son growing up without wondering if I was happily married then or not. He stole my memories of my son's childhood from me and I'll never be able to get it back. Even if he were to tell me the truth now I wouldn't believe him since he's lied so much.

In reading these stories on other sites, I just found it seemed that a disproportionate #of BSs seemed to find comfort in characterizing their WS's affair partner as predatory. It struck me that some WSs, sensing that this may mitigate things, characterize themslves as prey. And, I think BSs take some solace in buying this portrayal.
My XWW was dressing to the 9's when she went out with "girlfriends". She was definitley marketing herself.

It does take 2 to have an affair. I do know that OW told my H she had feelings for him before anything even started. That should of set off alarms big time for him but he just fed into it. It made him feel good and she just kept on stroking his ego. Now that we are trying to reconcile I have since sent her and email telling her to back off or else. Told her that next time she should watch what she says to someone else's husband.

Told H that next time someone tells him they have feelins for him or start telling him how great he is that he should RUN!

Still hoping and praying.

I think there is a tendency for some BS to minimize their WS role in the A in order to justify their choice to be married/remain married to the person. It's the "poor innocent lamb and big bad wolf" philosophy. The OW in my sitch was extremely aggressive - you'd never know that to hear her H describe her (naive, innocent, bubbly but shy, etc.) I'm still waiting for the day to come when she tries to break NC. I'll be letting her H know that this wasn't the "poor, naive little waif's" first rodeo.

OTOH - my H is a big boy who should have had his boundaries more firmly in place, but boundaries went straight to the hot place when they started flirting and she asked him to meet her alone for drinks after work.

Because of our sessions with SH, I now know about 90% of what happened.

I know that WH was the aggressor. The A consisted mainly of RC time - of which about 90% were his ideas - over the course of about 3 weeks before it progressed to a PA. Right at this time is when the fall semester began, so OW began to have no time for him, herself having 2 jobs along with being a grad student. I had already started a Plan A of sorts, but found this website and amped it up. When I look back, I remember him starting to hang around me more, starting to look at me more, acting as if he was conflicted. He tells me that he had already made the decision at that time to come back to me, but that he didn't know if I would take him back. He had told OW so, but that she was fine with whatever he wanted to do Of course he wasn't going to give her up, but I think he was just not thinking clearly at all, he was just completely, utterly lost. He's still lost now, but he will do whatever I want him to do, so I have to be careful in that... At least now, he's finally starting to come up with ideas for our UA time together.

I really want to hear from WS's on here who were the aggressors. I'd like to hear their perspectives.