I think that, even if the affair(s) go undetected, the marriage still suffers. I don't thnk the WS can fully hide his/her waywardness. In my case, my marriage went downhill for years because my WH suddenly changed in his behavior toward me.

Suddenly, it was as if nothing I ever did was right or good enough. If I confronted his ugly behavior, the behavior was because I was a *itch and deserved anything he dished out. Our intimacy diminished and I withdrew because anything I confided in him would be used against me. He suddenly wanted me to act more like a "party girl" when we went out...not meaning that he wanted me to act like a "garden implement", but that he wanted me to drink and let loose a little...when I am not a drinker and am happier being on the fringe of things. I have hearing loss, and it is difficult in crowded, noisy situations for me to be "in the center" of things. Where I had managed our family money, and done so very well, he decided that I was "wasting HIS money" and so put me on a VERY low allowance...so low that it was all I could do to put enough gas in the car to go to town and get milk for the kids if they ran out.

He eventually let up on the allowance thing once I went back to work, but it recurred several more times over the years, and I now realize that cutting my access to money occurred when he thought I was about to leave him. Either he wanted to keep me too broke to leave him, or he wanted to keep me from taking half "HIS STUFF".

Right now, we are in dire financial straits, due to his extended illness this past year and due our business all but shutting down due to the economy. I am currently on an allowance of $10 per week...barely enough to put fuel in my truck to drive to town and back. Once in a while, he puts enough fuel in my truck so I can go see my mom in assisted living, which is 60 miles away. He does all the grocery shopping...because HE thinks he is better at it. I suspect that it's because he wants to make sure I don't hold money back for myself. If he wants me to go pay the utility bill, he doesn't give me cash to pay it; he buys a money order.

It took 13 YEARS for him to finally admit to a ONS. Actually, I think it was a little more than a ONS, but he wasn't emotionally involved with her...just sex. For 13 years after being diagnosed with an STD (thankfully, a curable one!), he told me I was effing crazy, that I must have gotten it from another man, or that I got it off a toilet seat. He only admitted to the ONS after I walked out on him and disappeared for 3 days. However, I believe there were several more women, and he has NEVER admitted to any of them.

I don't even think the sweet and loving man I married is even still there anymore. I think the only way he could live with himself and his cheating ways was to demonize me. He is much better on the verbal abuse these days, but if confronted about any issue, he reverts back to it.

So many wasted years because of his LIES! Evem if he told me the truth today, I believe that it is much too late for me.

Lotil, I saw that you are reading this thread. PLEASE, PLEASE tell your husband the truth ASAP, because lying WILL destroy your marriage.

Huh? Look at my posts to her. I encouraged her to come clean. No sense lying about this stuff.

I agree with LC

If undetected it is probable that there will be more than 1 affair, afterall, why not?

But even if there were only 1 ONS I think the marriage suffers. In one of the books there is an example of this, I think it�s Dobson�s book but I�d have to check.

I know I could not carry the guilt around with me...and I suspect that many people who have had an undetected affair show their guilt in behavioural or even physical issues, like LC wrote.

BTW, Lokil, I�m glad you are still here reading.