My H didn't ask me to "pay" for my A. Probably the reason we recovered and not only recovered but recovered so happily.

All he wanted and wants from me is my love. He has it.

Kiwij, want2stay,

The WS can't be made to pay. The affair can't be undone. Nothing can be done to undo the affair.

The affair can't be forgotten, just forgiven.

IMVHO, As I've said before;

There is no Just (as in Justice) Compensation.
There can only be just (as in merely) compensation.

When you got nothing, anything seems like alot.

Now, I demand it all.

There is no amount I can give to pay for the pain I caused.

It is a debt that can never be paid ..... only endured by both of us... even when forgiven.

it is very different from the goods or money or house that a ex stole, schemed or ran away with. Those you may be able to measure in $$$$$

In strictly financial terms my WW's A has caused us to take a HUGE hit.

Well, my WW chose to have an A with my business partner. The OM and I co-own a company that has grown tremendously in the last 10yrs. In this economy and in a disadvantaged situation I had no choice but to sell my participation in the company for about half of its valuation.

My house is for sale since we live in the same neighborhood as OM. Saying that this is not a sellers market is an understatement. Relocation to another state is also going to cost us a good chunk. There's been a few thousand dollars invested in MC, MB Coaching, MB Weekend, AD Medication plus other miscellaneous as a direct result of the A.

So if I had to send an invoice to WW for the direct financial costs of her bad judgment, I estimate that it will sum up to a grand total of about $1.2M. And I am not even taking into account future growth. You can call it the million dollar A.

That's HARD earned money that we are losing because of her indiscretion. Money from our retirement and DDs' education that she selfishly gambled away just because of her weak boundaries.

However, for some reason the financial loss doesn't really hurt that much. What really kills me is her reluctance to own the consequences of the A. It's so discouraging that in her WW mind there's little or no remorse when it comes to taking responsibility for the fallout of her A.

It's funny that when I was negotiating the sale of the company she had the cojones to argue that it was not FAIR to sell at that price. I had to bite my tongue, exhale and lovingly reply: Honey, life is not fair, isn't it?

--ElCamino72

Starbucks for OW...$4.
Dinner with OW....$50.
Copays for STD testing and ADs...$100.
Pain and suffering...Priceless

I do not think a request for restitution interferes with the ability to reconcile. In fact, many "experts" on forgiveness seem to think restitution facilitates forgiveness.
It dissipates resentment and approaches fairness. It also give the offender some relief in that the offender can do something concrete to make amends.
The notion that requiring restitution is in some way less forgiving or less noble is incorrect IMO. I am surprised that more WSs are not insistent on it, in fact, for their own sake.

Okay, I'm confused by this. How does the WS offer restitution to the BS if they stay in the M and R? I mean, monetarily really wouldn't work, since most of the time, in a M, all of the money earned is community property anyway.

My H and I only have a joint banking account. Everything I have is already his and everything he has is mine. We don't have separate funds at all.

Tab,

My wife grew up in Oakville!

She owes me my libido back and over $200k which includes about $125k in student loans I'm paying!!!!!

"Okay, I'm confused by this. How does the WS offer restitution to the BS if they stay in the M and R? I mean, monetarily really wouldn't work......."

This question gets asked here from time to time. Worded differently, owe, restitution, pay back, compensation, justice.

Marriages can be recovered. But that is just getting things back to where they should be.

How is getting things back to where they should be, doing what one should do be able to compensate for the affair?

Having a revenge affair, RA, is not going to do the affair.

Money is not going to undo the affair.

Apologizing is not going to undo that the WS slept with the OP.

The WS can only do what is needed to recover, work on being a good spouse.

What can the BS do?

The same.

ohhhh...I forgot one....

H owes me a gall-bladder.....

not2fun

The WS sacrifices some of the $$ that would normally go toward his or her recreational interests and donates the funds o the family to use at their discretion.
I think the amount of $$ the Ws should be willing to donate/earn with a second job should be quantified, s we do in legal proceedings.
I have suggested multiplying the cost of a hooker's services times the number of orgasms reached/encounters, throwing in the cost of meds and counseling and babysitting the kids while the WS got banged,;establishing a fund for future poygraphs, STD testing and private investigator services. Roll it up and you have the amount owed. Plus the other things Pariah and others have mentioned.
All of it comes out of the WS;s pocket , not the family funds.

Aphelion posted on another site once a fantastic diatribe about what a WS owes and I so wish I could find it again.

Something like the WS owes a debt to the order of the universe. It was a great quote!

I like Aph's stuff, BK. Guy has some really good candlepower,IMO.

Well I don't ALWAYS disagree with him!

His W sounds like a biatch.

I need to read that Peck book. Yeah, he is absorbing a lot of toxin.