Thanks Mel.

There is one other thing that might need attending.

See, it is my perspective as a father to encourage any DAD to really, really, think long and hard before bailing. Learning the whys and wherefores of an affair is the start to his own recovery.

Imagine, if you will, that he bails and later on discovers that HE probably should NOT have taken that step because he lacked the tools and knowledge to have chose a different path. While MB is an excellent resource for the WS, it is even better for the Betrayed.

We are waiting for him here with open arms. Consider this an invitation you can pass on to him.

Larry

Welcome to MB.

This is a thread from 2005.
I hope it helps.
Having a written plan usually helps.


*** recovery guide for the WW ***

Some thoughts & questions for you, u233:

-- Don't give yourself too much credit for having "owned up to what happened." You didn't own up until you got caught. Honesty when it's easy, convenient or unavoidable, or when you're scared of losing your spouse, is better than dishonesty; but won't (and shouldn't) impress your husband. You're going to have to do better than that.

-- Re: your latest meeting with OM: What was the context (besides being generally work-related)? How did it come about? Who initiated? What was your purpose? Have you been honest with your husband about your feelings & intentions & motivations? About the level & nature of contact that you continued to have?

-- More broadly, how honest have you been with your husband about the affair? Do you answer all of his questions truthfully?

-- Are you being too quick to tell yourself that you're no longer in withdrawal? It can be tempting to think you can leapfrog ahead in the process of your own emotional recovery, and score points with hubs at the same time, by professing that OM no longer fazes you; but trying to deny that you're in withdrawal can make you more resistant to putting in place the extraordinary precautions you need & following through on them.

Make sure you're being honest with yourself. Make sure you're being honest with your husband.

Where's your husband now? Still at home? Talking to lawyers? What's he saying & doing?

U233,

I owned up to what happened. He immediately called the OM, told the OM's wife, and confronted the OM.

Thank God he, this will go a long way to help him restore his destroyed manhood. When my wife had her EA 20 years ago, I just allowed a part of me to die and moved on.

BTW, perhaps you can get the OM to quit, hopefully his wife will put pressure on him.

God Bless
Smooth.

u233,

I cannot argue with you having NC now. However, something is really missing here. You have been married only 5 years. You had an affair from the 4th year on. YOu say you have small children, I presume with your H as the father and not from a previous marriage. There are a few thoughts I have concerning your situation.

1. It is very clear not withstanding your present comments that you have little respect for your H. You have an affair with a man that your H knows and will see at his work place regularly.

2. You are found out, but you continue the affair. I would like to say this is unusual but it is not. What you don't fully see even now is that your false recovery means that you felt that your H's forgiveness/kindness of heart were of no importance to you.

3. Now you say that he is the love of your life, and he is a great guy, etc. But, that means you are in fact lying now. Clearly you did not think that even a few weeks ago. So how is your H to trust what you say now, when what you are saying clearly could not be true a few weeks ago? You did not answer Writer1's question as to the type of contact.

Writer1 is right to enquire because if it was just a meeting you two sat in it is one thing. If it was a "get together" that is something else. If there were terms of endearment used that is something else as well. Mel is right that any contact is bad but the type of contact will tell us how much more deeply you hurt your H.

Now it may seem we are being brutal with you, but what is very clear to us is you don't really see what has happened. You say you know you hurt your H deeply, but that does not begin to describe what you have to address.

It is not the hurt that is the problem, it is the "fear" he now has of you. He fears that you are a lifetime liar. He fears you have no morals at all. He fears you do not now, and never did love him. He fears that you will end this affair but continue to try and find someone better than him. He fears that everyone at his office knows he is a cuckold and is laughing at him. He fears he will and has lost the respect of his friends and colleagues (after all he tried to work on the marriage and you just sandbagged him, making him look like a real fool).

U233, this can be saved but before that can happen YOU have to change your perspective on life, what is important to you, your approach to life, you approach to marriage, and your thought that "feelings" are all that count, rather than honor, trust, and commitment.

You have some big hurdles. I suggest you read a lot of the articles here and then do as others have already suggested including Pep, MAKE A PLAN.

God Bless,

JL

Larry, my H knows about this forum and realizes it is a good place for support and appreciates the "open arms."

JustLearning - no, it doesn't seem that you all are being "brutal" with me. There is no way that anyone on this forum can inflict anything that can be anymore brutal than what my H and I are living through. Instead of being discouraged by everyone's comments, they are only strenghtening my determination.

I did reply to Writer1's inquiry about the nature of the contact and said that it was inappropriate. I have dsiclosed everything to my H so I certainly would not hold back on this forum.

I agree 100% with the statement about me needing to change "your perspective on life, what is important to you, your approach to life, you approach to marriage, and your thought that "feelings" are all that count, rather than honor, trust, and commitment." That is exactly what I am setting out to do. As I begin the long road to doing that, I will continue to read everyone's disparaging comments toward me. They keep me focused on my faults and give me even more incentive to be better. Not only do I want to do it to restore my H's love and trust for me (no matter how many years it takes) but also so that my gravestone won't have to read "here lies _____, loving mother, miserable loser."

But none of this really addresses my H's pain. Time and God will heal that and I won't be contributing to it anymore.

I'm sorry to press the issue, and perhaps I'm out of line for asking, but:


Is this the extent of your answer to your BH? That the contact was " inapppropriate" and that was the end of it?

Seems elusive to me but perhaps it was more explicit to your BH and that's OK. I just hope you didn't leave him hanging there with only the adjective that it was "inappropriate."

That would seem dishonest and not forthcoming to me. But that's just me.

All Blessings,
Jerry

No, I gave my H all the details of everything that happened. I did it because it is the right thing to do. But at the moment I can't imagine how anything will ever be better.

Your H is hurting right now. It seems like, under the circumstances, you are doing everything you can do. He is going to need some time.

Have you quit the job yet?

Is your H still living at home?

Here's another thing that hasn't really been directly addressed. I don't know how old your kids are or if they were born during your A, but are you sure your H is the biological father of your children? If I understand it correctly, your A has been ongoing throughout most of your M. Has your H questioned the paternity of the kids?

One of my kids is H's and the other is from a previous marriage. The A was only a few months long but we have been married for almost 5 years. There is no questionnable paternity.

My H has left. My lies drove him away. As discussed earlier, I have to completely reprogram myself to never lie about anything again. That's what drove me to full disclosure about details. Someone said earlier that I have been elusive with my posts but it is because this is a public forum and I think some discretion with the posts is in order. However, my H has all details.

My H was once like me (a WS) in his previous marriage. He is much older than me and learned his lessons. I didn't. All is lost for now. But I have to keep moving forward with becoming a good person and trying to win him back eventually. I know most folks reading this would say to give up. But, I can't.

Thanks for clearing that up. Yes, this is a public forum, but it is quite anonymous, so your identity is protected. I think fully disclosing the details of your situation will aid people in helping you. It's difficult to help someone if you don't know their entire story.

Have you had any communication at all with your H since he left? Maybe he just needs a cooling off period to think things through.

I agree, for now, all you can do is work on yourself. What is the status of your employment? Are you still seeing your H and the OM at work? Have you written the NC letter? Have you had contact with the OM since your H left?

I'm glad your BH has the details and they certainly don't have to be discussed here on this forun.

Please tell me that your BH was not a WS because he was having an A with you while he was still M'd.

All blessings,
Jerry

u233,

Most of the comments are not disparaging. They are two types. One to find out what you real thinking is. And to get you out of your wayward mindset. You are still in a wayward mindset that much is clear, because your focus is on what YOU have lost.

It is our hope that as this moves along your focus will change and you will redefine what is important in your life. I will tell you that until you redefine your boundaries, your perspective on honor, integrity etc. you have little chance of saving this marriage.

However as you do, even your H will see it and then you have a chance. Oh! God will help heal him, but you can certainly put some salve on the wounds, as you begin to see things from his end of the telescope.

U233, this whole thing is a process, and mostly it is a process of learning and growing. You have just started have patience with yourself.

God Bless,

JL

Yes, I am communicating with H. NC letter done. Employment changes in progress. No, I have not seen or spoken to OM since the phone call that was made to his wife. During that phone call we all 4 spoke and made it clear things would were over, Thank God. I wish that had happened from the beginning.

No, H was not a WS with me. That was many years ago when he was very young. He has very strong religious beliefs, morals, and ethics. I am using him as a role model.

Someone last night said something about me being in denial that I am not in withdrawal. I feel relief that OM is gone. My withdrawal is over the loss of the good life I had with H. I hope some other WS can read this and come to their senses. Nothing is worth this feeling and any good feelings from an A are imagined. I just wish I had seen that before it was too late.

Withdrawal can be over at any time. Affair infatuations end, usually with a thud, and sometimes with the agony of withdrawal, but not all the time. Sometimes you have a full body agony experience as in "OMG, what have I done?"

Infatuations can come back, most often for a far shorter period, within the context of any contact. This is why the Harley rule is NC for life.

You are still thinking about what you have lost. How about what your children have lost? What about what your husband has lost?

An older guy is going to think in terms of what a fool he has been going after a much younger woman who then put horns on his head: "what else did he think was going to happen lurks" in his mind like a pit viper.

I can assure you that he is devastated, hurt beyond measure. He lost his trust. He lost his faith in himself. In point of fact, he probably blames himself for being an old fool.

Trust me on this, those who know my story could tell you that I have walked in your husband's shoes. I could be him, but I am not. I too married a too young woman. When she committed adultery, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me.

Trust me on this, convention wisdom is pretty specific: young woman who marries old man most often could care less about old man's heart. Breaking his heart is no big deal, right?

Rather than morning what YOU have lost, how about worrying for a while about what HE has lost and even more to the point, what YOUR child has lost. You know, the one the two of you made together. How about adopting another attitude, other than the one you currently have now, i.e., getting him back.

How about adopting the attitude that YOU pay for what you have done through acts of contrition. You do everything in your power to have him a part of that child's life to the point of sacrificing yourself to make it happen.

Simply put, give him up. After all, in a sane world, you don't deserve him anyway, right?

Simply put, tell him that you are going to do everything possible to include him in your child's life and his stepchild's life if he wants as well.

Just a few thoughts to get your mind working in a different direction. See the deal here is that two kids are now part of a broken home cause you broke it. How do you mitigate that?

Larry

Larry, I am sorry that I haven't made it clear that I am sorry for his loss and our children's loss. Since the we are all in this loss together, their total loss is much greater than mine. I am not trying to restore just my loss but restore the entire family.

Your comment about "breaking his heart is no big deal" is sickening. But then again, my actions were even more sickening.

I know very well the pain of a child enduring a broken home. I cannot mitigate it. I will do anything and everything to ensure that my daughter has her dad in her life.

Keep giving me negative comments. I deserve it.

I will say this though, I have finally had a revelation from Just Learning's post. I am going to resolve to stop thinking about my loss at all and only think of the rest of the family. I had read Larry's post before I read Just Learning's. If I stop thinking about myself things can only get better.

My comments were not meant to be negative. I was attempting to put a perspective on your situation. I made an effort to introduce what what your husband has lost and what your two kids have lost. This isn't your husband's first rodeo. And yea it hurt him beyond measure, but hopefully as a grownup, he can recover and move on with his life.

But for your kids, it is life changing and they are kids.

And that which sickened you is a true reflection of what he may well have been thinking. Please go down page a bit and read Dorry's post from 2005 as bumped by Pepperband.

This whole deal is life changing for you as well. And you can use events as a way to gain integrity and honor, to live your life henceforth in that way, or you can grab excuses and live another way. Up to you. So far it looks like you are making changes that are good.

Larry

Thanks everybody for the perspective. I needed somebody to point out how self centered I am being even now.

Oddly U233,

When you become centered on your H, your kids, what you will find is that they will center more on you. It works that way. You are more likely to get what you need in your life if you do your best to meet the needs of those around you.

It is really what this site is about.

I am not saying your need shouldn't be met, I am saying often you will be more successful by meets your loved ones needs.

Talking about this reminds me of a statement I once read. The discussed the difference between children and adults.

Think about this abit. As your perspective changes you will see opportunities to approach and talk with your H. I am sure it will help him if you talk to him about how he is feeling.

I would suggest that you use Larry's comments along the line of the following conversation.

"H I was reading on MB and one poster expressed how he felt when he found about his W cheating on him. He was older than his W and he said it made him feel like "..........". Is that how you feel right now? If so could we talk about it. I cannot undo what I did, but I want to do what I can to address what I have done to you."

I'll leave it to you. But, U233 you must start to see things from other perspectives for your attempts to be effective.

God Bless,

JL