Meeting with my attorney today and will make decision, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to file. I think since my H isn't communicating at all with me the only way to go is free myself from this situation. I can't see what's in it for me to wait around. If I understand our state's divorce laws, there is no waiting period for me to file if its for adultery.

Another 24 hours of NO contact from H. Attorney's office told me the messengered letter was personally delivered to my H saying I would have no further contact with him and he needed to direct everything to my attorney. This is H's way of telling me I don't exist to him. My H is a very determined person and throughout our life I've occasionally seen him deal with situations of conflict with persons he had issues with. Didn't happen often, but his philosophy was you can get the message to people without too much stress on yourself by simply ignoring their existence. I'm now the recipient of this treatment.

I did one more small exposure yesterday but it may have an interesting ripple effect on OW. I stopped in a Starbuck's on my way back from an appointment and ran into a very nice former grad student of my H's who we entertained in our home when we would throw "get acquainted" gatherings for entering doctoral candidates so they could meet their cohort group they'd be with for several years during the program. She's a lovely late 30-something gal who I hit it off with and we chatted at several gatherings for students. Anyhow, we sat and chatted a minute and she asked me if H and I took a trip over the holidays. I told her of my mother's death and also then told her H and I are separated and I would probably file for divorce. She was shocked....of course she's not active in the program any more so would not be privy to campus gossip. I then girded my loins and told her he had become involved with an advisee. She again was shocked and said "he was not one of profs I thought would ever do this..." She said "he used to talk about things you did and joke about it occasionally in class using you or something you did as an example. She said everyone always thought he adored you and was so proud of you." I told her I didn't think much of what I had learned about the OW and couldn't understand his involvement with her. We chatted some more and left a few minutes later.

This gal has a whole earlier student group, a few of whom still have some involvement from a distance with the program as internship site providers for current students and also in professional organizations, but my guess is this gal will let some of her friends from that student group that became close during their years in the program. So, another small exposure and I identified the OW by name to her.... This one hits the former student group and professional organizations OW would certainly want to participate in now and in the future.

Trickle truth is not good

trickle exposure is not good

Good job, Lady. Running into an old acquaintance and having the courage to tell of WH's betrayal is a sign of acceptance and even healing. If it provides some discomfort for the adulterer and OW, at this point that is just a pleasant side affect.

My thoughts will be with you as you meet with your attorney. I am sure that you will make the best decision for your personal R. Even D does not have to be final but it seems to be the best choice right now. I respect your decision.

God's Blessings,

Say

I think LLL is the embodiment of a self confident woman who is making the best choice in this situation. Given her H personality which she knows all too well in 29 years of M she is understands that he has made a decision he will most likely not change. Why then put up with years of agony? I wish I had that determination as my H is similar to LLL�s but I do not have her strength.
Congrats!

Met with attorney yesterday late afternoon and he very carefully explained all my options: wait; file; mediate w/husband and draw up a written post-nup contract, etc. In our state there is a one year waiting period for regular divorce, but if I file for adultery there is no waiting period.

I decided to file. This was my decision. Attorney asked me several times if I was sure, if I wanted to wait a while, if I thought there was any chance of reconcilitation.

I need this for me. I will not wait around for someone who says he wants this ended. I am not going to work on something without a partner who's trying also. Maybe he'll change his mind later, maybe he won't, maybe maybe maybe. I will not live my life waiting for him to determine what it will be. If he lives to regret his choices, so be it. His problem, not mine.

I am filing for adultery and naming ow as co-respondent. I am asking for a 70-30 split of all property. Won't get it probably, but attorney said I can and then negotiate from there. If I get my home in town and all contents plus our jointly owned third car, that would account for about 60% of property. He can have vacation home and boat. I don't want to be tied to maintaining a second property anyhow. If he agrees, this will all be clean and the court proceeding will be short and sweet. If not, I'll bring PI and others to testify in court and we'll see if he likes his name in the newspapers.

Attorney has had no response to his letter telling H all contacts should go through him and there should be no contact with me.

Friend called me and said she ran in to H out at dinner with OW at local grill. Said he looked frazzeled and OW walked off as my friend tried to say hello to H. She said OW is not the calliber of woman she would expect my H to be attracted to. Guess love is blind.... So much for OW not wanting to be seen as the cause of our breakup. If she's so proud of her behavior, why not stay and introduce herself???

I wish I had your descision making skill. wow.

I am a wuss.

3L:

Your STBxWH is looking "frazzeled"?

Well, what would you expect? He is running through a field where there are landmines everywhere, and they keep blowing up in his face everytime he turns around....

Now starts round three.

Round one was him and his "secret"
Round two was discovery.
Round three is where the divorce punchs start to fall.

Round four is his response....Nuclear or "lets get this over with" (He asked for that, right? So, why would he go nuclear? Cuz hes wayward, and entitled to EVERYTHING!)

Round five is the cleaning up process.....The judical system moves at its pace and inexorably moves to resolution. But that is a small part of the actual process. Its dealing with the STBx that makes this part draining...

Remember, this really has nothing to do with the OW. Its a very likely scenario that OW is gone in the next six months. He will look at her in disgust after awhile, as she has caused him to fall so far, so fast. Doesn't mean that he will try to fix things with you, many get caught up in the pride factor and can't return.

It was HIS choice to do this. Your just enforcing your boundaries and protecting yourself.

LG

Nice job, 3L. If we were in the same career field I would love to have you on my team!

If it's any consolation (I know it would be for me) your WH is probably going to end up looking at OW as a liability. He's going to have to start a new life at his age. He's going to see fallout from his poor choices. And he's going to end up blaming her (typical entitled behavior) for any negative consequences of his actions.

Does that make you feel better? Maybe not. But I do know that I am always comforted when karma smiles on me.

Oh yes, even though they ask for it, some go nuclear. Mine even went so far as to sue me for support after he left and then had a heart attack (no doubt brought on by the stress of the D and OW pressuring him to get it done). And that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Good job lll! No doubt one day your WH is going to look at his OW and realize that at his age half of what he worked so hard at accumulating in his life just went flying out the window. And believe me, he will realize his classy W was one of the things he lost.

ITA

The OW will leave him someday too, thats whats so sad, 5 - 10 - 20 years of building something and a 5 minute decision destroys it.

Get rest and excercise LLL

Took a break from writing here for a few days....what's there to say? H was totally NC and I am filing....attorney's office is handling everything. Letter was delivered last week to H from attorney saying all contact would go through him.

When I got home yesterday afternoon there was VM on phone from H. He basically said that he's sorry I have chosen to let an attorney speak for me. He said "I thought we could handle this between the two of us like adults. I guess I thought you would try to be gracious about this and we could not part as enemies. I think you should reconsider your direction on this."

Oh brother....I should be gracious??? He's totally out to lunch if he thinks he can do what he's done and then have me play nice so he won't have any bumps in his little road to OW. Now I'm the bad guy for not playing well with others..... Wait till he gets served papers that I'm filing and requesting unequal split of assets. Either he will continue ignoring me and pretending I don't exist or he'll go ballistic. He's so used to getting his way.

I'm glad his little jaunt into emotional extortion didn't phase you.

He's speaking like a true wayturd and you recognize it for what it is.

You're a smart one, LLL and he is very stupid to fail to realize this.

Straight from the Wayward Spouse's Handbook on Irrational Behavior and Utterances.

I think this is an attempt by the WS to assuage their own guilt and complicity. If they reason that "we can still be friends" or "adult about this," they are off the hook for behaving in such an abhorrent way.

The term my WW used several times over the span of time she was preparing to move out was, "mutually respectful environment." Yeah, right.

Translation: I am not done ripping out your heart and soul, nor even begun to chew it up and spit it out. What kind of monster are you to deny me this?? I deserve this because I am the almighty centre of the universe. You are such a child to think otherwise.

WSs are so stupid they are actually pretty funny! LLL, glad you can see how ridiculous your WH is.

I guess I'm wondering how he will react to be served with divorce papers which file for immediate divorce based on adultery and OW is named as co-respondent? I'm guessing he hasn't figured on that....

I'm sure it hasn't occurred to him that I might do that, nor does he probably know anything about divorce law in our state. I think unless you've gone through the process, most people think it's no fault in every state....

gOOD JOB, lll. hE IS A HEARTLESS NARCISSIST(AT THIS POINT).

His immediate response? I'm wondering if naming her won't have an opposite effect in the short-term. As in yet another thing they have in common, both of them being involved in the divorce. Sounds perverse, I know. But people think weird things sometimes.

In the long run, when all the stardust wears off OW and they're into the mundane-ness of it all, he'll have his memories of the papers listing her as a co-respondent in the collapse of his M, a collapse that was totally avoidable. I think that's when some resentment of her will set in.

I think this is the likely scenario. I think this gives a certain validation to the WS.

My WW has already pre-announced her upcoming "legal name change" on her Facebook page, along with the comment, "who gives a rat's [patoot] what people think?"

The papers will just add to the misery. What's the statistic, 97% of all "affairages" fail within the first five years?

I'd say there's a better than even chance they don't even get that far.