Oops. Now we have a new deal here.

Is he currently drinking and using?

Yes. Alcohol problem began and escalated during the time of the affair. Drug problems began after the affair. OW provides him with her prescription pills. Illegal drugs are also an issue. She does them with him too.

I am not much of a drinker at all and wouldn't get near any drugs.

If you get a chance stop at my thread and read about all the mistakes and hestitation I had in exposure and dealing with my XH. Do I have regrets -- yes..would it have made any difference to the outcome - I don't know.

My XH is an alcoholic after not drinking for many years. OW is party girl who loves to drink. You would not even recognize him today.

He is dual addicted to both the OW and alcohol. As for his parents would they like to see him destroy his family, himself and get arrested for drugs? expose now. There are many good letter that you can send to Human Resources. Does OW work for him?

forjan, is he an alcoholic or did he start drinking heavily during the affair?

Based on the info I have, it seems that the drinking problem started prior to the physical affair but after the emotional affair and flirting began. The alcohol and drug problem now gets worse as every month goes by. He says it is because of his inability to choose between me and the OW.

Alright. This is where the tough love comes in. It's time to expose him to the consequences of his actions so he hits rock bottom. Once he hits rock bottom, he'll be forced to make some life changes.

I would expose to his work about the affair AND the drug abuse. Copy the letter to his boss and the head of human resources. Drug users are a liability and that will likely get him fired more than the affair. Do you want to get him fired? Yes. That's the only way he'll probably end it w/ OW. As long as there is contact, the affair will continue. Right now your goal should be separating the two "lovebirds." Once that goal is accomplished, you can work on the other parts of your marriage.

You also need to expose to OWH as well as her family. She may have delusions of taking your husband home to mom and pop on Thanksgiving, and if they know the true story, they may put pressure on her to end it with the person that broke up their grandchildren's family. As for her marriage ending because her husband was cheating, yeah right. Maybe he went out and had is own affair after finding out about your H, but I wouldn't trust a single word coming out of her mouth. That may be what she told your H so he doesn't feel any guilt about breaking up her family. It's probably not true. Trust us. Adulterors lie, even (especially) to each other.

After you do your exposure, I would at least file for a legal separation in your state (if possible) to protect your finances. Document your WH's drug and alcohol abuse. Try and get him removed from the marital home. Go to plan B and make him live without you and the kids for a while and see if single life was what he thought is what cracked up to be.

As for his parents would they like to see him destroy his family, himself and get arrested for drugs? expose now. There are many good letter that you can send to Human Resources. Does OW work for him? [/quote]

OW does not work for him now, but she worked for him a couple of years ago. His parents main desire is to see him clean, and I think they would prefer that we stay married but there isn't much pressure there. They don't live near us. We don't have any family where we live.

Where do they make contact?

forjan, I suspect he is drinking heavy to blot out his conscience. That is pretty common with infidels.

He really has no motivation to stop his affair because, so far there have been no consequences. He has the best of both worlds. As time goes on like this, he gets more and more entrenched. And your tolerance of his affair has only fueled his entitlement attitude.

Do you think you even have the energy to fight his affair? The way you are going, you are headed right straight to a nervous breakdown and most probably divorce. Do you have the strength to even try at this point?

They work in the same office, but she does not work for him. She used to work directly for him. Maybe I misunderstood the question.

I have the strength and energy but have no idea what to do. In a way I would be happy if he would move out, as he has been threatening to do for weeks, so he could live in reality with her and get rid of the rose colored glasses view of her. He hasn't yet followed through on moving out.

forjan, the reason I question your strength and ability to stand up to this was your comment that you couldn't expose because it would "make him angry."

That tells me you are dealing from a position of extreme weakness [by choice] because you are more concerned with avoiding his anger than with saving your marriage.

Avoiding his anger won't save your marriage, as you can see. It only means you are appeasing someone whose goal is the destruction of your marriage.

Appeasing someone whose goal is to destroy your marriage will result in a...........destroyed marriage. That is where you are headed right now.

ok, why don't you put him out then? Pack his bags and when he comes home tell him you are ready for him to go NOW.

I see. Well that will have to end forever in order to have any shot at marital recovery.

What was the state of your marriage prior to the adultery?

Yes he is choking on enough cake that a quick jump to Plan B might be fine.

MelodyLane - I certainly see your point. When I make assertive comments, he tells me how he knows I will be a vindictive b***h and tries to make me feel guilty. When I ask questions about when this nonsense is going to end, he wants to go back to what I did to make him susceptible to an affair or wants to tell me how he cannot do anything right now, for a variety of reasons.

The main thing I want now is to figure out whether the man I married is still in his body somewhere and whether we have a chance to keep our marriage together. I just don't know. He gets me with his words but shows nothing with his actions.

What was the state of your marriage prior to the adultery?

I guess looking back the marriage starting falling apart a little after the birth of our children. He didn't feel like he was getting enough attention (communicated to me now, not at the time) and I can see his point of view. He says the quality of the sex wasn't as good but has improved and is great now (he says even better than her, yuck) since I am no longer pregnant or breast feeding.

Wayward spouses are very manipulative and very adept in getting what they want. This is why you can't let that happen. You have to go by his actions, not his words.

Wow! That is really in your face.

Have you been tested for STD's. You will have to do that.

Waywards typically do not worry about protection or the lives of their betrayed spouse.

forjan, a wayward is very much like an alcoholic in that they blame others for their bad behavior. It is called blameshifting.

you are not responsible for your H's bad choices and got no vote in his choices. He is 100% for his affair. 100%

How can you possibly be responsible for a choice you did not make? That makes no sense.