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Have you been tested for STD's. You will have to do that. I went to see my ob/gyn for an annual exam but didn't ask for specific testing.
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He is a huge blamer, HUGE!
Me = BW
Dday = 12/1/09
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MelodyLane - I certainly see your point. When I make assertive comments, he tells me how he knows I will be a vindictive b***h and tries to make me feel guilty. When I ask questions about when this nonsense is going to end, he wants to go back to what I did to make him susceptible to an affair or wants to tell me how he cannot do anything right now, for a variety of reasons.
The main thing I want now is to figure out whether the man I married is still in his body somewhere and whether we have a chance to keep our marriage together. I just don't know. He gets me with his words but shows nothing with his actions. Calling you names is bullying and manipulating you. Don't allow it, but don't get upset and sidetracked by it, either. Acknowledge to him that you are aware that BOTH of you contributed to the state your M is in, and you are willing to address any issues in your M that have weakened its fabric. Never agree that you did something that 'caused' him to have an A. He could have chosen to bring his concerns to you about your supposed lack of attention, but he chose to have an A. He owns that. You need to expose the A immediately to their superiors. Please read more about exposure. They will have to stop working together as well. As long as they have contact the A will continue. Exposure is your best bet for killing this A.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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He is a huge blamer, HUGE! You have a choice about whether you accept his blame or not. Do you have the OW's husband's name and phone #? Does the OW have a facebook page?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you have the OW's husband's name and phone #?
Does the OW have a facebook page? [/quote]
I know his name and I am sure I could get a phone number or email address. They are divorcing now.
Yes, I believe she does have a facebook page.
Me = BW
Dday = 12/1/09
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Do you have the OW's husband's name and phone #?
Does the OW have a facebook page? I know his name and I am sure I could get a phone number or email address. They are divorcing now. Yes, I believe she does have a facebook page. How about getting his phone # and then go on the OW's facebook and look at her friends. See if you can spot any parents. Can you go do that and come back here? What does your husband do for a living? What kind of business is it and what does the OW do?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How old are your kids? How long married? Are there any other affairs, yours or his?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Take it as my opinion but.....
This has been so in her face and disrespectful I can not even imagine a day of Plan A.
1. Huge 1-day exposure to all targets.
2. His crap on the porch when he gets home that day.
3. Legal protection arranged and finances secured.
4. Pitch black Plan B.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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How old are your kids? How long married? Are there any other affairs, yours or his? Kids are 5 and 3. Married for 11 years. No other affairs.
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How do you do a pitch black Plan B with children?
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How do you do a pitch black Plan B with children? forjan, it is not easy, but many here have done it. In your Plan B letter, you would set up a visitation schedule and allow him to pick up the kids and take them for short visits. [the 5 yr old could walk the 3 yr old to the car] And you wold have to set up an intermediary for all communication. Specify in your plan B letter that they are to never be exposed to his affair partner, though. Does your mother know about the affair? Are you close to her? Crisner is right, the time for Plan A is over, forjan, your only solution is to take a hard look at Plan B.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My family does not know about the affair or the drug and alcohol problem. I have told a few friends. I have always been concerned about the unwillingness of others to forgive him.
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Also, I feel like I cannot allow him to take the kids anywhere considering the drug and alcohol problem. His visits should only be at our house. I have told him this when he has talked about moving out.
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I have always been concerned about the unwillingness of others to forgive him.
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I have always been concerned about the unwillingness of others to forgive him. Even if he says he would be more willing to leave than face family and friends. I know it may be manipulation on his part, but it makes sense.
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Read this thread LINK to Carrot/Stick If you are only willing to provide the carrot and are afraid of the stick .... your WH will not be motivated to stop his adultery. Your M will be destroyed.
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I have always been concerned about the unwillingness of others to forgive him. Even if he says he would be more willing to leave than face family and friends. I know it may be manipulation on his part, but it makes sense. Thats ok. Yes it is a manipulation tactic to scare you into enabling him. As I said before, by allowing your FEARS to drive you, you are choosing to operate from a position of weakness and won't make it. In order to make it, you have to put aside your fears and operate from a position of STRENGTH.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You must also expose how the OW is getting WH on drugs.
Does WH's family know this?
Why not?
See how important exposure is.
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Report his drug abuse and affair to his employer.
Do a mass exposure to family and friend. Shoot, do a nuclear one on facebook.
Get a PI or do some digging on OW. Do a mass exposure on her side as well. Call her up, tell her your WH told you that you are better in bed than she is. Most OW think WH is only sleeping with them. This might kill the fantasy that WH is cheating on her with his wife. Oh, the horror!
It's time to get tough. Trust us, all of us have been through this. The WS has ranted and raved about exposure, said the exposure pushed them to divorce, they could never face family and friends again, blah, blah, blah. If exposure ends your WH's affair and he focuses on the family again, everything will eventually just be water under the bridge.
It's time to stand up and put and end to his cheating.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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Since your husband isn't interested in the welfare of the kids, it is going to be up to you. The 3 year old will be oblivious, but the 5 year old will likely feel that something isn't right.
To protect your kids, it is time for you to turn into a hard [censored], in my opinion. Mel (and others) is steering you in the right direction, if you have the courage to protect your kids and yourself from the demon your husband has become.
The word of the day is: consequences. And I mean if the world rains on him, that would a good thing.
Larry
Last edited by _Larry_; 02/03/10 05:56 PM.
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