He has three different children by three different mothers. I married him afterwards. I married him because he turned his life over to God and was turning his life around. Ok, I hear myself now that I'm typing this out. OMG!!!!!

I gave my husband option #1 and option #2:

1. get the hell out

2. get the hell out

Those were his options. I guess he discerned that it would take quite a bit to be allowed back into my life and he was right. One thing I did do was call and inform the OW that her affair was over. My H had to convince me he was going to do what it took to recover the marriage in order to be in my presence again.

InHisTime, you have set the bar SO LOW that your H is simply living down to your standards. By enabling him in this way, you are helping him be a bad man.

Don't associate with bums, InHistime, it is personally demeaning.

I guess you could say I have been Plan A'ing him for awhile. I just stopped communicating with him about a week and a half ago. I don't have anyone who would be an IM and he wouldn't ever respect that idea.

ML,

How long after you tell them no more (Plan B) does it take for them to really get it?

I don't think letting your H come over to sleep with you and eat dinner at your house while living with the OW was exactly what Dr. Harley meant by Plan A.

Sometimes they never get it. And in that case, you are better off. Plan B is FOR YOU, not him. It is to make yourself unavailable for his abuse. It is not intended to change him. You cannot change him.

righto....

You don't need him to respect that idea. You just need to go dark and if he won't communicate with your selected IM then he doesn't get to communicate with you.

Do you have any children together?

Do you have a paid job?

Does H have a paid job?

Whose name is on the deeds or the rental agreement for your home?

We don't have children together. He works at a sugar factory and I am a mortgage planner. He has three child support payments and we are renting a home from my brother. He never helped with the utilities only with the rent. He was very selfish.

I asked to see how easy it would before you to go to Plan B. It seems from this that there would be no childcare or financial or any other reasons for him to contact you at all. You need only hear from your Instant Messenger when she thinks that your H has ended the affair and is serious about meeting your conditions for moving home.

Are you sure you want to rebuild this marriage?

Her what??

I'm sorry to jump in here too, but what you have been doing should not be considered plan A. Its more like what some refer to around here as plan Doormat. Plan A has a stick to it that means you don't tolerate the affair. You try to meet his needs, but you make it clear you don't support his Affair.

If you have the money, call the Harley's and get yourself on the right track to healing yourself and setting actual boundaries. I think this is less about your Husband's behavior and more about what you are willing to tolerate. Its time for you to expect more from the people in your life. As another poster said, you have to raise the bar. If you leave it lying on the ground, you can't blame yourself for not having to even lift his feet to step over it.

If you wanted my thoughts on what you should do:
1) Get a lawyer and start the divorce process. You can always stop it later. But your husband needs to know you are serious about moving on with your life with or without him.
2) Give your husband a Plan B letter and designate someone as an intermediary. If he wants to communicate with you, he goes through them. If they think its not worthy of breaking Plan B, they ignore him.
3) If WH calls your work, calls your home, shows up or tries to break Plan B, document it and look into harassment charges if needs be.

WH will continue to walk all over you if you let him. I think you deserve better.

Oh, shut up Mel.

You tell her what I really meant to say. I've forgotten what IM stands for!

Are you involved in those 3 kids lives, in any way?

InHistime, please excuse SugarCane, she is a foreigner! nuf' said?

IM stands for intermediary, you silly foreigner!

Inhis,

""He has three child support payments""

Please tell us you are NOT CONTRIBUTING YOUR PAYCHECK to his childsupport payments!!

And when you say WE are renting a home, you mean you and the guy living with the mother of his 9 year old son? Is he contributing to the rent??

This is one a$$backwards arrangement. And the OW gets upset with your HUSBAND for speaking to his WIFE, and he meekly runs back to her??

Lady, you should go TOTALLY DARK plan B and HOPE AND PRAY he does not leave the mother of his 9 year old son, and want to come back to you.

Where are the mothers of the other 2 kids?? Why aren't they getting in on your H's action. He must be some piece of work.

imho

kirk

Just have to jump in here and ask you what you like about hubby? He is selfish, doesn't help with living expenses, has 3 children by 3 different women and is cheating on you.

It seems like you married him because he turned his life over to the Lord. YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I suggest that YOU get counseling to figure out why you are willing to accept so little from a man.

Prayers going up for you and your family.

I married him because I loved him. I have been the step-mother of his three kids for eight years now. I do not see them anymore as my husband is gone and the mom's have custody of them. I really miss them.

Quote...
Lady, you should go TOTALLY DARK plan B and HOPE AND PRAY he does not leave the mother of his 9 year old son, and want to come back to you.

I do want him to come back to me and our marriage. When hubby was going to church he was a really good person. The selfishness seemed to disappear. I think OW is threatening that he will never see his son again if he comes back to his wife.

That is just not true. All hubby would need to do is go to Family Court and insist on visitation. He wouldn't even need an attorney.

How long was he a wonderful husband?