I'm hoping the paperwork will be ready fairly soon and we can get this over with. He's living a new life. I'm ready to try to get over this awful period in my life and start enjoying myself.

It is hard to come to grips with 29 years over in what seems like a heartbeat, but maybe I'm lucky that this didn't drag out with him bouncing between me and OW. By the time I was done dealing with my mother's illness and figured out what was going on, he was gone. He paid lip service to not wanting a divorce initially, but I think the fact he's gone no contact with me for nearly 4 weeks and has moved out is testament to what he really wants for the present. I'm not willing to be the pittied wife waiting in the wings for a crumb to be thrown my way.

I admire your conviction and tenacity. One thing I'll mention, FWIW: there is a possibility that your WH will 'come around' after the D. I've heard it before. After all the dust settles, and they realize it was a fantasy, they want their old life back. Be careful of that and have a plan to address it.

Yep, straight from the wayward handbook. Based on his response to that, I predict he will go ballistic. At this point, you become the enemy against the force (the A). They will become totally united against you with HP using your hostile tactics to fuel the fire. He will tell her how unreasonable you are and she will only reinforce it to him. The A will only get stronger during the battle. But remember, the hotter they become, the faster they cool.

Put on your crash helmet LLL because you are in for the ride of your life. PROTECT YOU because he will not.

Well, he sure didn't listen to you when you tried to speak for yourself, did he?


There is nothing "adult" about destroying your family because you'd rather chase some ho-bag.


"I want to be able to destroy my family and feel good about it!!!! Why won't you help me do that????"

My WXH didn't want to wait the year and asked me to sign the papers almost immediately. I said I would only if we checked adultery and named OW. WXH threw a tantrum and made all sorts of threats. I informed him that he couldn't get a divorce unless he at least signed off on adultery, and that I would be happy to sign off as well provided she was named. WXH refused. Silly, because it's not like anybody ever looks at these records again and it doesn't count for anything - not even on a background or credit check. (I suppose it was just as silly of me to insist on it as I had nothing to gain except personal knowledge that there would be public record that OW was an adulteress)

Good move Tabby. Did he ever sign or did you just get a D without doing that?

Thanks Chai. Actually, no he never signed. I fully expected to be served as soon as the year was up and it didn't happen. OW and OWH have been battling it out in court all this time - judge had them sign their divorce forms up front so they have theirs. I thought that might also induce WXH to serve me (to prove his love to her) but it didn't. So offically, I'm not divorced.

MB generally hates my condition (legally separated but living as divorced) but things work a little differently here. Everything that an American divorce involves is covered under the separation agreement, which I have. The separation agreement divides property, gives custody, visitation, child support etc. One is no longer the next-of-kin to their x-spouse, not responsible for any of their debts, and one can even live common law and name someone else as a spouse on pensions and benefits (including Canada pension). The actual divorce has no purpose except that you need to provide a copy to get remarried. As a result, it is very common for people to never divorce, or to divorce many years (or decades) later.

In any case, in one thread where I was getting blasted for this someone asked how it could make such a difference even from a religious perspective when it's the courts/states that grant the actual divorce. After all, in some countries all you have to do is say "I divorce you" three times and you're divorced. The answer was you have to abide by the laws and customs of your land. Well, these are the laws and customs of my land and they say I don't need a divorce until I'm ready to remarry and my separation agreement deems that I am not married. I pay taxes as such and, should I suddenly drop dead without a will, my estate will go to my son, not WXH - who has absolutely no claim to it whatsoever as he is LEGALLY an ex.

Edited to add - for comparison purposes, OW and OWH are divorced but do not yet have a separation agreement, hence they are in court.

For the *present*, yes. He's going to wake up one day and wonder what the heck just happened.

If you think you would ever consider reconciling with him, I suggest a Plan B type letter. But only if you'd consider re-engaging with him if he is contrite, owns his mistakes, and is honest about wanting to build a proper marriage. If you wouldn't consider testing the waters even under those conditions, then good bye and good riddance.

3L:

Be careful of the addictive quality of The Drama. You said he's been given the letter instructing him 2 contact your lawyer, not you directly. While I'm sure you saved the VM 2 play back or forward 2 your lawyer, you might want 2 consider blocking his ph number, or fowarding his calls 2 the lawyer (if that's possible).

He probably got some sort of satisfaction just by leaving you that message. It's a wayward tactic. He's thinking, if this gets ugly, at least it's not my or HP's "fault".

My W's A was with an office-mate/colleague in grad school. RM ended up "testing out" with a MA. It 2k him more than 12 years 2 finish his Post-hole Digger (at another U, and in another subject!). ...but I'm sure he blames that on Ex Mrs. Meat (who's still dragging him in2 court over custody issues - over SIX YEARS after their DV!).

Guess it just shows 2 go you: When waywards put their "minds" 2 a task, there's no limit 2 what they can't do!

-ol' 2long

LLL, take a nice vaction after all this. You deserve one.

I think most of us here would go the route of L^3 in a heartbeat if there weren't kids involved. To me, not having kids would make dumping a WS a no-brainer. Somewhat non-MB, but I can guarantee you that I will never again try to save a marriage with someone who cheats on me that I don't have kids with. Not worth the pain and agony.

AGG

I sometimes wonder if I would have reacted the same if it hadn't been for the kids and my perceived financial dependency to maintain my lifestyle...

I think the majority of BSs bail, sooner or later. Just a really tough deal to get over.

I think the fact that we do not have children and all parents and extended family are pretty much non-existant plays a role in my decisions. There are not a lot of family relationships to lose or harm in this process and it makes that part of this whole thing a non-issue for me. My sister is the closest living relative and she'd like to hire a hit man.

I also think that I'm very fortunate to be financially independent and have a professional life I love. It will keep me functioning "normally" in a large part of my life. I make a very good income and have both my own investments/retirement programs plus inherited assets for my old age, so I really haven't had the fear of money issues to face that I know so many women face when a marriage breaks up. My lifestyle will not have to change.

When you take those two large issues out, then you are dealing with just the emotional relationship. My H has shown that I am expendable to him if it suits his whims. As I thought about whether to try to go through steps necessary to reconcile with him (if he even was amienable to that, which right now he's not), it just seemed a real long shot that it would ever work, and I do not think I have it in me to ever trust him again or forgive how he's not been there for me at such a terrible time in my life. I have never been needy during our marriage, but I always felt I supported him in times of distress, and he basically failed the test for me. Instead of support during my mother's illness, he was playing around and enjoying himself. What kind of partner is that to take into your later part of life? So, I'm done with him. Although I'd be less than honest if I didn't say I hope he lives to regret mightily his actions in the past few months.

Good analysis, LLL. Whether he always had this in him or just had the pottential to be like this, you do not need someone like this in your life. He is a messed up person and refuses help.

My initial response was, "AGG, I TOTALLY AGREE!!"

Then I started to think. (And we know that's when I usually get myself into trouble.....) Yeah, if it weren't for the boys, maybe I would've headed for ZEE HILLZ a long time ago. Maybe she would've done the same. The fact of the matter is that I can't really say what I'd do in any future situation until I'm actually IN IT. I don't know the other person, the dynamics of the relationship, what caused the breach in boundaries, and what's at stake. I think marginalizing the decision-making when there are no children involved kind of marginalizes the childless BS who's fighting for their own M. THEIR internal debate could be just as arduous and pain-staking as mine, and I'm in no position to opine what they "should or should not do".

No slam against AGG. I'm speakin' for me and me alone. I just know I can't make blanket statements about the future anymore. A year ago, I never would have predicted my sitch, never would've known how I would react to it, and I certainly didn't think I'd find somewhere as valuable as this place, in terms of support and consideration.

I don't know, maybe I'm not 'splainin' myself well here. I guess what I'm saying is that we all have our own priorities that keep us in the fight, or allow us to walk. Not having kids a part of the equation does not necessarily make one's situation easier, just different. Maybe it is easier, but who am I make that judgment?

TB

Indeed. None of us knows what we would do given a situation until faced with it.

Financial dependency and children do complicate matters though.

Certainly, one reason I do not want to D my WH is because then my poor young children would be more apt to have to interact with the OW.

I have to not only consider what is best for me personally but a few young souls that count on me thinking of them.

At each juncture I ask myself "What is best for me? What is best for the littles?"

"I don't know, maybe I'm not 'splainin' myself well here. I guess what I'm saying is that we all have our own priorities that keep us in the fight, or allow us to walk. Not having kids a part of the equation does not necessarily make one's situation easier, just different. Maybe it is easier, but who am I make that judgment?"

I totally get what you're saying. Pre-A I would have NEVER thought I'd stay with my H if he cheated, like many people here on MB. But here I am. If I had been fully financially independent like lll would I have left? Maybe it would have been slightly easier. Having children definitely kept both H and I motivated to work at recovery I'm sure. However, at some point having kids isn't enough to keep the recovery effort going. Plus, is a M less of a M if kids aren't involved? I've seen BSs without kids work mighty hard to recover from this crap. I think overall we BSs who stay with our Ss aren't exactly looked on very favorably. Like we are wimps. I know I wasn't a wimp nor are many other BSs who did and didn't stay. Maybe lll just represents the part of us who wonder what it would have been like to make a clean break, because recovering is no picnic. Of course recovering from D isn't either.

The other things is this. Many Ss become WSs when difficult circumstances are going on in a couple's life. Do I wish my H would have been there for me during my dad's death? Of course! But that and many other things made our M vulnerable. One of the A books, can't remember which one, has a whole chapter on things that make a M vulnerable. We didn't know back then. Now we do!

I wonder if there are statistics of how many try, how many fail, how many just just toss in the towel at the first. I bet that MB families probably do better than the national average, but I wonder if there are numbers.