Torn,

You asked

Your insecurities???? Interesting!

It isn't your insecurities that are the problem. It is your trust that is the problem. The problem is you don't believe your W when she tells you that you satisfy her just fine. You don't believe your W when she tells you she doesn't think of OM and what he did with her. You don't believe her when she tells you she will never by with OM again, because you are not sure she won't seek another OM.

How am I doing so far?

I'll be just a little graphic here. You have been married 20 years. You may have had some experiences before you married. You like most of us guys have been in locker rooms, changing rooms for swimming, and just around other guys. You know the range of size as well as anyone, and up until this affair by your W I doubt you worried too much about your size or ability. I would also bet that you have absolutely NO DATA to suggest that you were/are in anyway inadequate in the performance arena.

Now you are insecure. This isn't about size or even technique, it is about trust.

You and your W need to really talk about this and make a plan to work on the marriage. And as she follows the plan you two agree to your trust will come back and then her assurances that you do "just fine" will have some meaning. Until then, they won't/can't.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Lose the vacation house, whatever loss you take is going to be less costly than a divorce.

JL,

Amen, brother!

I learned to make love to my Ws heart and mind. I'm not sure she'll be able to find anyone to come close to that.

Get to the core of what JL wrote!

My wife has been with 2 men, me and the OM, do you think she would ever tell me that I was not as good or big. Dont think so.

So your are correct, trust is a big issue.

I have always concerned about my perfomace and size prior to the A.

Will follow up later !

Torn,

Performance can be changed in many many ways. It takes candid conversations with your W, perhaps a "wicked" imagination on your part , and a desire to love this woman.

Size is what you make of it and no you cannot change it...well maybe you can if you believe some of the ads on TV, but I doubt it too much.

However, if you consider your W has had children, then I can say that the "size" of either of you doesn't measure up to a child coming down the birth canal. Yet, she has adjusted just fine to all sizes.

The issue is trust. Her assurances won't mean much without trust. You can educate yourself on performance and many ways to make love, the internet if full of this type of info. But, even if you are simply the "best" man to come down the road in all of history it won't mean a thing if you don't trust what she says.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I think what you are feeling is normal. I have the same problem. I'm always wondering if the sex was better then ours. But what I do when those thoughts come to mind is this. I think to myself, "self, you've had sex with your husband for the past 26 years, so we've probably had sex over 6,000 times. Out of the 6,000 times, I'm sure we had better sex then the two times that my WH and the OW had." The other woman tried throwing in my face how she gave my H such an awesome BJ. I politely told her, well what you had in your mouth has been inside of me over 6,000 times so take that. Sorry for being so explicit.

that is so awesome!

SWW

TRUST,
Thanks for your reply

Never even thought about getting a womens perspective about this, but who would know more !

Never thought I would be asking a women things such as this.

You say size does not matter, you know this from experience or is this just coming from girl talk ?

And once you are convinced " that u beautiful and smart, that the earth is a better place because you r in it,that your loved exactly as you r " What is the next thing(s) that is important to you as far as sexual fullfillment ?

As you saw in my post, I feel confident about myself untill I compare myself to the OM. What if he was like one of these porn guys ? It would be hard to take if my wife desired someone else.

Also as have said , my wife has only been with me and the OM

I know how to Romance and I know how to treat a lady (JUST DIDNT DO IT WHILE BACK ) I think in my heart she is very happy in everyway, she tells me all the time. I want to make sure I am not missing somthing.

sickwithworry, what part are you speaking of? Just curious. If it's what I told the OW, what happen was that one night we went backward and forth over the phone. I won that battle, I told her I could backward and forth with her all night. She brought out a part of me that I never knew existed, but I guess that's what an affair will do to you.

Torn, I know from limited experience (intimacy with two guys and medical training) and from extensive girl talk over the years. Believe me, most of us think the whole porn guy image is more than a little scary!!! LOL

The next most important thing about SF is focusing on my SF, not yours. I get alot out of GO wanting to please me, trying new things and being adventurous for me. It makes me want to please him more, so we both benefit.

Sounds like you are on the right track. Your openess and desire for your wife is evident and will help you in the long run.