Interesting. Your M timetable is similar to mine, except I'm the BS. I can understand your H feeling the way he does for a while after D-Day, but after 5 years?? Something is missing from this equation. There's something missing that's keeping as insecure as he is apparently feeling right now.

What have you been doing to restore his trust in you?

what a horrible horrible advice, no one under any circumstances should have sex with anyone hwen they don't want to.

I see you still don't understand marriage building, lokil.

Actually, one is not supposed to do anything they are not enthusiastic about.

However, to just say no, without providing a clear and understandable path to what would engender enthusiasm is likely just as bad as saying yes when you mean no.

MB calls for both openness and honesty. Honesty is saying no when that's what you feel. Openness is being willing to share EVERYTHING you think and feel on the topic as well as the willingness to work WITH your partner for a mutually embraced solution.

There is nothing wrong with saying no, as long as you are willing to work with your partner.

If you just say no, and close the conversation, that's a serious problem.

The problem I see here is that something that needs to have happened hasn't happened. Maybe it is a lack of EP's, maybe there is still some kind of contact with the OM, maybe in some small way the A is still being blamed on the state of the marriage or something. But if you are doing everything possible to protect your marriage and your spouse, you have taken 100% responsibility for your A, and there has been NC for 5 years, it doesn't seem like things would still be so dire. The effects of an A never fully go away, but if the work is being done every day, it seems that your H might feel some relief by now.

So my advice would to be examine your actions, your EP's, has there been any contact with OM, even passive contact? Have all your H's questions been answered, even about uncomfortable details? That would be a good place to start.

And as far as having SF when you don't "want to" goes, I guess it's a metter of perspective. I never want to clean house, but DS is a big need for my H, so I do it because I love him. If SF is a spouse's top EN, then there really isn't a good "I don't want to" reason for not meeting it.

I knew as soon as I hit the Submit button that my comment might be misconstrued.

As Enlightened_Ex points out, this isn't just a yes/no situation. Marriage Building is about getting to a place where something like SF is a mutually-agreeable condition, just as every other decision should be.

Lokil seems to want to put things into black and white, and Marriage Building is all about not having situations that put two people on different sides of the fence, but get them talking and working together to remove that fence altogether.

How can advising someone to have SF with their spouse be horrible advice? That is a really selfish and irresponsible comment. If you are going to be M to someone you MUST meet their needs, otherwise end the M. You can't hold a person hostage in a M where you are not willing to meet their needs unless there is some kind of medical condition preventing you.

My DH withdrew from me sometimes sexually during his A and it was the most painful experience of our M. If he ever doesn't give me SF when I need it, I will divorce him and find someone who will. Your DH rightfully wants SF and if you can't give it to him there is a woman who will.

Tell your husband about your affair yet?
Someone who is actively hiding an affair with her best friends husband is not really qualified to be giving marital advice to others, or refuting advice given by others.

From a BS standpoint, I can tell you this is 100% the way he feels. This is another fun side affect of YOUR affair.

Realistically you have two choices

1. Figure out why you are unwilling to meet his SF needs, address these problems with yourself, and hopefully figure out a way to joyfully meet this need for him.

2. Do not do the above and watch your marriage rot from the inside out until eventually you husband finds someone else to meet this need for him.

The only other answer is to become an expert in this.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time

As it applies to this.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_travel

And then build this.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DeLorean_time_machine

She's not coming back. The way she justified her affair at the time she is now trying to get support for her current situation and is not hearing what she wants.

The affair may have been almost 5 years ago, but if I understand, D-day was just over two years ago (10/2007) and he still seems insecure.

So if the OP is here, what have you done with respect to putting into place EPs, meeting his emotional needs and avoiding love busters?

You've had two years to practice all of these things, so tell us what you've done and what you've failed to do.

Ah, that explains it somewhat.

Sorry, she came here in 10/2007, and said,

It is a black and white issue coercing someone to have sex with you is wrong seriously I cannot believe you guys advocate this. Having sex =/= cleaning the house.

Grow up lokil, that's not what anyone is saying!

SF is an important EN and can only be fulfilled by your spouse.

Please read all about the MB concepts and put ALL of them into practice. Your marriage will recover and you will have a Romantic Marriage as a result.

Isn't Lokil the person who had sex with her best friend's H while BF had gone out of the house? And now wanted to find out how to hide this fact from her H?

When one has the morals of an alley cat, one can only expect alley cat reasoning.

Pepperband said "joyfully and lovingly". That's a far cry from coercion.

The question for your personal growth is, why does the suggestion of joyfully loving your husband bother you so much?

lokil was too busy joyfully doing her best friend's husband, that's why.

I'm guessing, having sex when you don't want to and said no but your spouse guilt trips you into it it's far from joyfullly.

I shouldn't get into that, but yes for the sake of argument lets say yes I ahve no morals but even I know that having sex when you are coerced into it's all kinds of wrong.