I'm sorry to keep posting different subjects. But, I feel like I just can't take it anymore. I'm so tired of the arguring, mostly on my part. I know he's trying, but to me he's not trying hard enough. I want to leave but just don't have the guts to do it.

To me he doesn't show me enough that he's sorry. It's like he doesn't take me serious because of all of the threats.

I got upset tonight because I asked a question and got an honest answer. Don't know if I should be mad or not. For those of you that know my story you'll understand quicker then the ones that don't.

So the OW bought him a cell phone on January 3, 2010. He had the phone up until January 10th, that's when I found it. I mailed the phone back, and she dropped it off to our office for the second time on January 18 and once again I found it on the 23rd. My thing is, I asked him if he talked to her between the time that I found the phone on the 10th and from the time she left it for him again on the 18th. He said he had talked to her in between her leaving the phone the first and second time. Hopefully you're not confused. He answered that yes he had talked to her once in between. But he has not spoken to her since the last time I found the phone on the 23rd. Hasnt talk to her or seen her. Should I still be upset? She bought him the phone twice, in between the time that I found the phone and returned it, he talked to her.

His thing is, that as of January 23, it's been a done deal. So from the 23 until now is what should count. I'm so mad and angry, I want to leave him and just say forget it. Thing is, I still love him and he loves me too. But I don't think he deserves me.

I guess that's what I get for all the questions huh? Should I only count what he has done from the 23rd till now, or should I hold the past against him. I hope everone unerstands what I am saying. If not, reread the 4th paragraph very slow.

26, I know that you are angry, upset and feeling betrayed but having read all of your threads, I think that you need to get a grip. You asked your BH for honesty and then you punished that honesty with anger. You may not get honesty next time. If you are not ready to accept truth, don't ask the questions. Plan A requires an awful lot of self control.

I am so sorry for your pain and disappointment.

God's Blessings,

Say

26 years im so sorry your having such a hard time but you need to take a pause and think for a few minutes before you answer him when your angry, if he has given you an honest answer then let it go to encourage him to be more truthful with you in the future, does it really matter right now if they had contact? getting angry about it wont chance the fact that they did have contact inbetween the two incidents. however plan A can stop further contact in the future. Its not a crime to love someone so go easy on yourself dont threaten him with leaving etc because all you might be doing is pushing him back into the A.

Dont ever talk to the OW again and just keep the snooping and making sure no contact is in place.

I dont doubt its hard right now but its not going to be any easyer if you walk out and find out that he has shacked up with OW.

You need to read up on MB some more.

You will get the truth. Sometimes it doesn't always come out at once, but if you keep lovebusting when your H tells you the truth you will drive him away. And he will stop telling you the truth.

I know the truth hurts, but aren't you glad that he is telling you everything now? You should be glad.

Do you want recovery? If you do, you have to fix your part in your marriage.

I suggest you stop questioning every day. Choose one day a week, for one hour that you can ask questions, and then for the rest of the time, work on recovery.

Have you done the EN questionnaire yet? You need to read up on lovebusters too.

I am sorry you are so angry, it is pretty normal.

Step back before you react. Take a walk, get away momentarily until you get control of your temper.

Before you open your mouth, just think, will this be healthy for me, my marriage, my family?

Somebody said: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?

Of course you are hurt terribly, but that is no excuse to trash your hubby.

Take the high road 26!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

ps, please stick to one thread. People are reading, and will keep up with your questions. And it is a lot easier to keep track of your issues. They get lost in all the different threads.

And stop trying to convince your H that the ow is bad.

He will figure it out, if he hasn't already.

He is back with you, right?

Don't make her look good by lovebusting and trashing her.

Take the high road.

26 yrs.,

I need to teach you some MB etiquette....

MB works best when you stick to one thread. It makes it easier for those following to have the story and facts all in one place. It's hard for us following along to keep everyone straight and when you open multiple threads it can be frusterating.....you can hit the "notify mods" button and they can combine your threads.

Once you stick to one thread, if something of importance or if you need emergency help, post on that thread and then notify the mods and tell them you want to change your thread title.......

I hope that helps and I will be back later today to address you above issue....

Not2fun

26, what helped me is learning and applying LOVING DETACHMENT :
In my own affair-battle, and in plan A , loving detachment was without doubt the technique that helped the most to get through the very bad times. It allowed me breathing space to be rational when faced with irrationality.

I have advised for panicking folks in the heat of this fight to "detach" but I always struggled to INSTRUCT them how to do it.

Well, a day late and a dollar short, but here goes - in case it helps anyone:

However vicious or entitled a persons actions may be towards us, and however dark a situation may appear, it is a stark realisation that it is OURSELVES who render events with the power to frighten or hurt ourselves.

Some folks who tried to adopt loving detachment tried to IGNORE evil perpetrated in their lives and respond with a false rictus smile to the person who is hurting them. That is not what loving detachment is for me and I chide myself for not being able to explain sooner.

Loving detachment was a way I found to strip away the scariness I attributed to events and look only at the core elements of these events.

I'll start with a non infidelity example :

A banana skin skids to a halt at your feet, when you are rushing and feeling low, and you barely miss slipping on it. Things you might think while in an emotional state:

"I could have slipped on that ! GOD I might have broken my neck ! I Bet my spouse threw that there to kill me for my insurance ? What if there are more banana skins ? OH NO, I have to LIVE in a world of banana skins for ever boo hoo hoo !"

What loving detachment thinks :
"A banana skin. I need to step around that so I don't slip. Stay vigilant in case of further banana skins as I can only control my OWN placement of banana skins, not other people's."

See ?

It doesn't matter if a person tried to sabotage you with that banana skin,OR if it was dropped accidentally by a passing magic flying monkey, the core challenge, and correct response is identical once you strip away all the layers of portent you ascribe to an event.

When Squid would attend karate competitions that I suspected OM may be at, against my direct request a wellspring of panic and fear surged within me. " She'll be kissing him ! Maybe they're not even at a karate event! Perhaps they've left to elope !"

Then I shouted "Stop! Detach! " to myself.

Facts :

1. Squid went to referee a weekend competition against my request less than a month after d-day. The only thing I know for sure is she won't be home over Saturday night.
2. Even if she *IS* PA'ing with OM, it does not change our situation.I Expect her to be wayward at this time. I am not "more cuckolded" by this ,if so.
3. I know there IS a competition at the time / place she says and that she is sharing a room with a trustworthy mutual friend.
4. How can I affect this in future ? Well, exposing to OM GF may apply a compulsion to OM not to attend these events. I should expose.
5. The weekend without soaking up Squids poison gives me a respite ! I will take the kids to a childrens' farm !


Loving detachment is DELIBERATELY stripping away portent from events and facts to allow calm rationalization as to whether you can affect a situation positively or not.

It is not ignoring, it is not soaking up, it is not tolerating. It is revealing and dealing with the FACTS as practically as possible.

Another real example :

Event : Squid is highly entitled and is bullying me in her affair pomp, in the second whole week after NC established. She is making no effort to be transparent nor to work on our marriage. Highly dismissive, vituperative. I am terrified, the kids are being hurt.

WHOAH Bob !!! LOVING DETACHMENT MODE PLEASE :

What would I do if I were not afraid ?
- I'd tell Squid that I would rather live without her than WITH her this mean and disrespectful
What am I afraid of ?
- That this is the best Squid can ever give me and that she would leave if I enforced a boundary requiring more
SO this is a dignity issue. Best case is that I get my baby AND my dignity. Whats the best compromise ?
- That I keep my dignity and lose my baby.

So, loving detachment, what are the FACTS to consider ?

1. She could leave ANY time she wanted with or without my protecting my dignity
2. If she left as a result of having to respect minimum boundaries, I am only worse off if I value that toxic corruption of a marriage more than my own dignity.
3. If she leaves I will be healthy,have the support of my employer and my kids and we will be fine, after a time of sadness. It is highly unlikely that we will be broken by this.
4. If she stays and respects my boundaries we may all just "win the lottery" !.

Decision - restate my boundary to Squid.

Loving Detachment released me from the chains of fear. That night I asked Squid my famous question :" baby WHY are you here ? You said you would stay and work on our marriage - and I am struggling to see anything I would call "marriagebuilding" from you right now. I want you , very much, but I do not need you. Do not stay only because you think I will fall apart if you leave. I will not.
The door on this marriage is open - you can leave any time, as can I. Just know that I will not tolerate perceived disrespect for long before I protect myself from it."

Squid flipped a switch that night like so many WS do.

Even when I make a bad decision using the facts loving detachment presented me, I could simply apply LD to the NEW situation and make a new decision in light of my experience.

Does any of this make any sense ? I hope it helps. You need to detach while the chaos wheels about your head, while still being able to apply MB. Please consider using loving detachment.

All blessings

Bob, this great!

I�m going to show it to Hola because he needs loving detachment at this momet too.

Thank you.

26, you're making me dizzy, girlfriend. We can follow you better on one thread.

Do this, okay? Settle down a bit. Don't ask a question if you're not prepared to deal with the answer. Blowing your stack isn't going to open any lines of communication with your WH - it's going to drive him underground.

If you want to hear the truth of the A, pretend you are a reporter gathering info for a story. Maybe that will help you. The way I mentally prepared myself to hear the nitty gritty was to repeat to myself that my best friend had gotten himself into a terrible jam and needed to let it out to me, and I needed to help him to do that.

IOW, I took a mental step back on our relationship so that I could remove myself a little bit emotionally. When he saw that I wasn't going to explode over some of the more...er...colorful details, he let it all out - with relief to get it out to me.

The result was yet another level of intimacy in our R, which has been incredible.

(((((26yrs))))),

Ok I'm back.....

Here's the thing....you are asking yourself, "Do I want this marriage to work out?"....you probably don't have any answer to that....YET

You are newly betrayed. You found out not that long ago and you will find your "feelings" will change with the weather.

But the real question you need ask is "Do I want the CHANCE to see if this marriage can be repaired?".....what that means is that do you want to find out if there is possiblity that this marriage can be saved.

You are understandably upset and angry. You have been dealt a powerful blow. It's been said that adultery is worse than rape or a death of a child. We have people on here that have said yes to that (Mel is one of them...she lost her son...she has repeatedly said that the adultery is worse). While I have not lost a child nor have I been raped, I did have my DD molested by a neighbor. There was a trial and everything. It was an awful time. But to this day, I will tell you that H's affair was far worse.....

Right now you need to get a handle on your emotions. YOu need to do whether or not your marriage recovers.

Do you have a PLAN on how to handle your emotions?....

For me (and I tell ya what, I was an expert on being angry about this....my AO's were horrid and all over the place....), I did multiple things.

First off, I was on AD's. This helped a lot. I wasn't depressed, I suffer from acute anxiety and panic attacks (they started happening during DD ordeal). They do help you function. They aren't for everybody, but they are an option for you to consider.

Second, I came here. To vent....like crazy. At first, I was argueing with WH like craziness. It did me no good in fighting this affair, but more importantly it did no good for myself. Because afterward I would end up mad at myself for not controlling the emotions.

Third, I read the "Dance of Anger". It helped me deal with my anger and helped me to learn CONSTRUCTIVE ways to show it. I recommend this for you straight-a-way.

Forth, I came here.....(I am repeating this one because it was two-fold)...I let the good people here know what arguements and AO's happened so I could gain contrustive critism where I needed it. Mimi, a VET who was one of my mentors here, helped me a lot, but she was not easy on me. She was VERY TOUGH. And I needed it......she helped me to grow as a person....so listen to what we tell you....

Fifth, I did KICKBOXING.....OMG, it is the best thing you could do for your anger (or any excercise regimine....). I cannot tell you how many times it helped me to release my anger at H, OW, and everything else by punching a bag. I did this with eliptical training as well. I would PURPOSELY bring up my anger during my workouts and use it to MY advantage......not to mention looking great....

Sixth, I did IC. This was important. I needed professional help in dealing with this, because I was failing on my own. I had all these emotions but didn't know how to release them in healthy manners.....

Seventh, I relied on God and family. This helped in giving me some moments of peace......

This is just beginning for you, I understand EXACTLY how you feel. This is hard and unfair, but the end result will be what you decide you WANT it to be. Learn from this experience.

As far as your WH being honest...well, IMO, you owe him an apology for your outburst. If he see's that honesty will land him in the dog house, then he will no longer be honest with you. Yes, that would be a bad choice on his part, but I am dealing with your part. And the next time you ask a question and he answers you honestly, thank him for being honest. If the answer hurts you or causes you anger, then thank him for being honest and that you need some time to digest what he said. Then, leave the room, come here and vent away, or go get a pedi (they cure everything ya know.... ;)). Whatever you do, don't LOVE BUST on your WH.....it will serve you, him, and your marriage no good......

{{{{26yrs}}}}}

I also want to suggest that maybe you should write down your questions and have him write down the answers.

not2fun

Ok, you're all right, "once again". I guess I"m going to learn yet. I need to take a different approach. I will give it a try. Thanks you all always seem to make sense out of my confusion.

Oh and another thing, I'll stop with all the threads. I just thought once something new comes up, you post a new thread. Duh

If that were the case, every BS would have a thousand threads...

I only have one comment about the OW sending your husband a phone. Next time, take the phone she sends and STOMP IT FLAT.

Then, return it with a "note from him" never to send one again.

Does the phone take video?

***************edit***************

Just priceless.

......

THAT would be hilarious!!!!!....

Pariah sometimes you surprise me....

Hey!

I was talking about a truck!

You're a wicked boy, Pariah...wicked funny! LOL

It was the cheap, ugly metro phone. I told her she spends her money on him and he hadn't bought her a thing, then she thought about it and felt bad. I'm like "you really are not too bright, what on earth did he see in you?"

Confession time, I asked him yet another question and he answered truthfully and I had the nerve to get mad. Then I felt bad later. I asked him if he has thought about her and he said sometimes. But he doesn't dwell on the thoughts of her or meditate on them. I still got mad, but I realize he still has his memory. I accused him of what he accused me of. I'm always reminding him of stuff and he always ask why am I even thinking about it, and I say "because I have my memory". Why can't I get this no good for nothing woman out my head.?