"+10 awesome post, CV55!"

Thanks Mel! I have probably written that same exact thing at least 5 other times on here. I really get so saddened when I hear ICs and MCs giving that kind of advice to their clients. It actually makes me sick. Every now and then my H will tell me that what I needed to get over the trauma took a real toll on him. I understand that. I made him look at a very dark part of himself because I needed that to heal. Unfortunately if he wouldn't have gone there with me, if we hadn't of had a MC who understood I needed that to heal, we just wouldn't be married now.

Thanks for the info about Dr. Harley's new book. I'd like to read it. I'm pretty sure I don't want to work with couples, but in the back of my mind I think someday I'd really like to help BSs who are going through this experience, whether they get back with their WS or not. Just help them negotiate through this experience. I really think that when a therapist tells someone it's time to move on, it's because they want to move on. I've had the opportunity to work with some folks over a period of time and have seen first hand that when people can talk about the trauma, whatever it is, they begin to recognize how it is influencing their present. When that happens they begin to get in control of their feelings and slowly the past gets put in the past where it belongs. The other thing that many don't realize is that the trauma of the A often triggers early trauma or difficulties that people had pre-A. This sh!! is complicated! If I have time one day I'm going to post the clinical criteria for PTSD. I looked at it once and I fit most of the criteria early on.

Atena, follow your gut on whether you need this place or not. I don't know your story or how long ago d-day was, but you still seem very raw. As the one poster said, if you can find a support group in your town that would be great. But you need support from people who understand. As far as fantasizing that your H will come back, it helped me a lot to say the Serenity Prayer. I never prayed that my H and I would stay Med. I prayed that whatever was the best outcome would occur. Try to keep an open mind that maybe the M will work out, or maybe you will end up having a much better life without your H. HUGS!

Someone I know has become an awesome counselor! Not that I ever had any doubt that would happen!

Atena, follow your gut, as has been recommended, and follow your heart as well. People here are grounded, and base their advice to you on PRINCIPALS, rather than good intentions.

The words may help you come to decisions you need to make, but your heart will tell you if it's time to move on.

I do agree with others that it would be far better for you to find employment elsewhere. The constant contact with WH and OW does you far more harm than anything you read on MB.

best wishes
sd

Hey there SD! Thanks for the kind words. The other day I was calculating how much money we would have in our bank account if H didn't have his stupid A, and I would have taken that ridiculous test in 2003 and gotten a job back then. Not that what I do is exactly a money making job, but I figured at the minimum we'd have about $70,000 extra bucks in the bank. I guess I need to deal with that past fact. I've been nice and haven't shared my recent calculation with H.

Maybe if you have some time in the near future we can catch up over in the recovery forum. I noticed a post from Bob P that I didn't see which I have to respond to also. Nothing like my war time buddies of 2004!

My gut feeling tells me not to make any decision right now. It has been 5 months since H and I no longer share the same roof. My H falls in love with people very easily and the OW is around a lot so I think that he really fell in love with her and has intense feelings for her now. But knowing him it will not last that long and he will then have to decide if to try to contact me for R or not.
As things are now, of course him coming back would seem impossible. But miracles happen.
I am going to fire my IC and wish that you CV55 would go into IC. I would be your first customer!
thank you and blessing

Yes, seeing my H at work is a killer. I can't change job yet, but I will one day. I am waiting for a promotion and if that flies then I will be more markatable and will be able to pursue a job elsewhere.
blessing

Atena, I too need to continue to work in the same place as XH and OW. My DD is in school and will not graduate for another 1.5 years. Will not make any decisions till that time. I even turned both XH and OW in to HR and XH got demoted and they both still work there. Can't believe that neither got fired. Finally got to a point that I had to let it go and have karma work on both of them.

Continue to post. This is a long process and if anyone tells you otherwise they are wrong. I read that it takes at least one month for every year of M to heal after D. That leaves me with 21 months and I am sure I will keep posting here during all of it.

I find this board healing; it gives me strength; I could show my weaknesses. No IC can provide that. take care.

Pardon me while I stick my big nose in your business....
If what you write is true, he's a big risk in the future as well .... because what you've written is a picture of a man with little or no ability to develop a mature love that lasts.

I'm not sayin' I'm jus sayin' .... think about this.

Atena, before you fire your IC I would suggest you talk to her. The mark of a good therapist is that he/she is willing to work through some conflict if it comes up. Talk to her about this thread. If she gets defensive, doesn't believe that a BS has been traumatized, tries to dictate whether you should or shouldn't come to MB, then I'd dump her.

In line with what Pep wrote, it sounds like your H is more than your "run of the mill" WS, but could be more of the serial cheater variety. If that is the case I hope you value yourself enough to not wait around until Sept. 2011. And if by some "miracle" he would want an R with you, I hope you get to the point of thinking, "Do I want a R with him?" And make him earn his way back into your life again.

Oddly enough, when my H was in his A, unbeknown to me, I was working with a wonderful lady who had gone through he!! because of her cheating H. Actually was homeless for a while, clinical depression, etc. She worked really hard to get a job, a small apartment, become emotionally stable, but just wasn't ready to "untie the knot" as we'd refer to the M in her therapy. I knew she should dump the guy. No doubt about it. But you can't make anyone do anything. So do you know what finally made her untie the knot and really not want to have anything to do with her H anymore? She was diagnosed with leukemia and died about 4 months later. I'm not trying to be depressing here. She was one of my favorite clients. Just value yourself!

You are the best judge of whether this forum is helpful to you or not, and even if you decide it is, there may be times you need to take breaks. That's fine.

If you're triggering too much from the regular threads but don't want to leave for a bit either, hang out and chat on Idiotville, or the Feminine Hygiene Products, or anything similar. You're still in the same group of people, but focused mostly on just chatting and not so much adultery.

I have been sleeping 2 hours a night for the past month. Yesterday I had a breakdown and could not stop crying.
My doctor prescribed AD to me and I started yesterday. I feel like all the thoughts have been removed from my head now and I totally stoned...but I guess I needed it after 6 years of h@ll for my H's two affairs and now all the crap related to the separation..not having a home etc...
Blessing

{{{{{{atena}}}}}}

It's all I got to give.

I am sorry, friend. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ATENA}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You have been triggered by dealing with the house sale, haven't you?

Yes, totally, it is very stressful. Plus I ran into H two days in a row and had to hear him talk to a collegue and laughing and acting as if he own the world. He sounded happy and full of life. He looked good.
On the other hand here is poor little me homeless and a nervous wreck.
He does not seem triggered by the sale of the house or by anything at all!!!!
On top of that, son is not answering my emails and everytime I call him he tries to avoid talking to me with the excuse he is in a hurry or something.
Why do I have to end up with the short end of the stick when I put every effort to save my M and put every effort to be a super good mom to my son...while my H just ignores him?
AM I getting hit by the karma bus?
blessing

"Why do I have to end up with the short end of the stick when I put every effort to save my M and put every effort to be a super good mom to my son...while my H just ignores him?
AM I getting hit by the karma bus?"

Atena, only have a minute so am going to write fast. A few years ago my SIL got hit by her H's 2nd A and I posted here for her. Her H wouldn't give up the OW, they both got a place in the community where she lives, and he appeared to be living the high life while she couldn't afford insurance for herself or her kids. Fast forward to the present. His son calls him by his 1st name now and both his kids don't respect him or have much to do with him. I saw him a few months back and he looked like crap. He looks like the loser because everyone knows she's the one who has kept her family together. And a year ago she reconnected with her old BF of about 25 years ago who is a really great guy. The karma bus for the WS isn't always immediate.

As far as you, sometimes you have to look at your choices and just pick the one that sucks the least to begin moving forward. Getting on an AD was a good start. Try to fake being positive even if you aren't. Try to get out of victim mode and do what it takes to get your son to talk to you.

I talked to son yesterday and he said he is just too busy. He is at a ivy league school and taking challenging classes. He said his dad never calls and he can't remember the last email dad sent him as it was a while ago.
As far as karma, I do not believe in it. If I did, then karma must be what I am going thru and maybe is what I deserve. H has never been hit by karma bus, he had another A 4 years ago and this is his second. I do not see him as having life bog him down.
He does what he wants and does not care about others. He does not have a "worry" personality and the thoughts that go thru his mind are far more limited than mine. I think they spell
s e x and f u n
That's it: simple mind = simple problems.
Basically, he cares less.
blessings

Sounds to me like he's 100% Taker and 0% Giver. What would anyone see in a person like that?

Money and good looks. That's what OW saw.

I just do not know how cope with some people..and good thing I am on medications!
Just a few minutes ago a collegue came up to tell me that she learned about us separating and she said that maybe the A was a symptom of the M being really over...she has a Ph.D in psychology and her H left her a few years ago for OW.

I really put her thru the ringer telling her that us women have to stop saying that all men are imature and that they all end up leaving us for OW because M is unhappy. I said we have to stop putting the blame on us. H have a choice and they choose to cheat!

She said she did not agree because she believes my H was testing the waters with this OW to see if he really wanted her or me....and that he might have come back...I can't believe it!!!!!!!! And she has a Ph.D!!!!!!!!! And she is a victim of an A. She confessed that she was more than devastated by it. Still we take all the blame as women. I swear it is my mission from now on to set the record straight about A and cheating and I will not spare ANY detail about the way my H handled the A and the cruelty he put me and my family to.
I am demolishing his image and I hope the image of all the cheaters in the world!
blessing

"He does what he wants and does not care about others. He does not have a "worry" personality and the thoughts that go thru his mind are far more limited than mine. I think they spell
s e x and f u n
That's it: simple mind = simple problems.
Basically, he cares less."

So Atena, why would you want to be with a guy like that? Seems to me the karma bus has actually hit the OW and run her over now. You deserve way more than that guy!

Atena, living well is the BEST REVENGE. You will get through this dark valley. You just have to keep walking. Straight ahead. straight ahead, straight ahead.

Yes, I should be very happy to not have him around and as you can see it helps me write these things down because when I read your responses then i really tell myself: ehi they are right! Who would want to stay with a jerk like this?
BUT maybe he does not act like a jerk with OW. Him being in love with her will make him the nice and affectionate guy I knew when he was in love with me....