Is your WW violent? Has she been in the past? I mean-- she found your letters attempting to take her children away from her, or that is what she thought. Did she melt down due to that, only that, or is this a common reaction from her?

Is her violent behavior the "norm"? Do you have a real reason to think she may lash out at the kids? If so, I reccomend that you follow the advice the police gave you on that little card and get yourself into a domestic violence program.

Talk to an atty. A domestic charge is not a "magic bullet" that is going to get you full custody, many people make that mistake. Talk to your counselor about this, maybe in your county it is different. Then file. Have her removed. Do what you have to, there needs to be peace in your home for your kids.

Do not expect her not to be able to have the kids for visits, it just does not work out that way.

If not, and you really want to attempt RECOVERY, I would stop posting that she is "crazy", "koo koo for cocca pops" and all your other names.

Someone once said on a thread, "there are a lot of posters here who want to punish the BS.. does not matter if it is their BS spouse or not". I think that poster is a genious.

There is no "teaching" a spouse to do anything. No one, I repeat no one should feel like they are going to lose thier children. ((Unless cases of abuse or neglect, of course)). She is not going to leave that house willingly, not with your acusations and letters looming over her head.

Dragging kids into the middle of this violence is abusive. You did not answer my earlier question.. did they see their mother get removed?

Do what you want, but this has gone way over exposure.

Let me clarify before I get goose egg size lumps from the 2x4's.

The A and the domestic violence are two different issues. Yes, they are connected, but I see one as an emotional travisty and the other as broken bones type harm around/near/viewed by children.

Yes, A's are abusive too. But this has sunk to a new level.
When you hand control of your life over to other people, which now is what has happened, for good or evil, there are consequences.

I really, really hope this works out for PATS family.

My son saw, my daughter was at a friends. Of course she is pissed about the letters asking who should be primary, not sole. She's saying she can adjust her schedule to where she travels 10 days and local 10 days and that will work for joint custody. So again, it works on her schedule. I said I'm done talking about it. If we divorce, let the courts decide. Now she is being openly synical and everytime I say something an octive to high to the kids, she pulls out her phone and writes it down. I should have listened and had the 30 day put on. Now she is on some kind of crazy mission. Trying to show me laws about what I have done wrong and how because her computer was company property, I had no right to look at it. Her phone is paid for by her company, so I had no right. Crazy talk. Fact is she had all kinds of crap on there, e-mails, pictures etc. that would get her fired, so blah-blah and she has no idea that there is a picture vault that stores them. I don't know what she wants. I know she is scared about me filling for a divorce, but I don't know why. I think it's because she doesn't want to be alone, but she knows we cannot continue like this. She has no intention of doing or changing anything in her behaviour, so I have no idea what she is doing. She can check and hack all she wants on me, there aint much there. Maybe that's it, she's building her case. She needs to be gone for a while, that's all I know.

Barbie: What did you meen by had control of your life over?

Patriot,
Please upgrade your restraining order at the very earliest opportunity. What is the minimum she has to do before you have the legal right to do that?

Has she been violent in the past: She has had outbursts, but nothing like this. Never at the kids. Yes, her outburst was due to the fact I asked a neighbor if they would sign an afidavid. I understand the anger, but not to the degree she had. My standard answer now is it does not matter what either of us want, the courts will decide...done. The names are obviously frustration coming through. I don't know if you can understand the level of helplessness I feel until I go back to work full time. Once that happens, I will feel more compfortable. Of course she is angry right now about the arrest, her friends and family being contacted. Her friends think I'm a loon and her parents, who know better than anyone have stopped taking her calls and told her they will only speak with me. She has her sister, who she spoke with about three times a year before this, now there BFF's. And of course she has the OM who she has not seen, but texts quite often. I saw the texts and they are only talk, no more of the other stuff, but it's still BS. Order of business is job, removal and then go from there. I don't think she wants a divorce in any way shape or form. But for me, I am there. Once the job comes, I have decided unless there are some immediate and tangible changes and they are enforced, she and I are done.

Read around Pat, I really don't think she has the stability to recover untill she gets some counseling and. YOU sound like your losing respect for her fast.
If he wants to say she is acting crazy I don't see why thats a problem because this is his thread and a place for him to vent.

If she is panicing and grasping for control it is a sign that she is afraid. Its not fun being afraid, sometimes we do the wrong things and make life worse when we are afraid. I am sorry she is having this problem. She needs to realize she has o9ne first and unless stable people insist that she not be verbally abusive and/or violent, she will probably just keep acting nuts twards you Pat.

I want to see you guys recover, really recover not just put out this wildfire so another can pop up later.
If you continue to take this abuse I am afraid you will not have the strength emotionally to invest and she will be so afraid she will run away even harder.

The authorities needed to be brought into this sitch because someone was getting violent. Don't feel bad about that, Be diligent now that they are involved now that your wife is treated fairly and that the authorities arn't used to get even with you.

That might have been what Barb was talking about not sure but I know that when you bring in the law sometimes you have to watch out that the law doesn't "assume" that you are hiding more than what you tel them, especailly when it comes to domestic violence and abuse where many women cover up their husbands abuse, emotinal and physical. The judges try to bring those things out in court because they are aware of them.

Keep that recorder running and your emotions cool and calm Pat.

There is hope Pat but it will take time and patience

Not sure the agenda on this line of questioning.

Does it matter if there is a violent past? She was out of control that night and needed to be removed. I am sure he is second guessing himself enough as it is.

Don't recall on this thread that Pat mentioned that he didn't want his wife involved with the kid's lives.

As a father - his best outcome will be 50% - just the way the courts operate. He is at a disadvantage due to gender. Even during the arrest - she played the game of abuse. Personally I think he is in greater danger now of false accusations of abuse.

Pat -

What plans do you have on where you locate? Seems to me from other people I know that in Texas - The parent with custody or joint custody they are required to live in same county or neighboring counties. Friend of mine could not take a job in Houston bc of this scenario without having to go to court for permision. Not sure what it takes to move out of state.

On another deal - even tho Texas is no fault - one can file for adultery - depending on the judge - the betrayed can get a more favourable outcome in financial and custody matters. A local atty will know how or if thats feasible in your area.

The best scenario is that the M recovers - she pulls her head out her **, complete remorse, etc. If she is so worried about Plan D, she sure is not showing by her actions - just be careful - one misstep without a recorder and you could be in the county jail and dont count on her being so generous.

Just to note - she is lucky to have her job still. I know if this ever happened to me - the Code of Business Conduct at my employer is auto termination for arrests of this nature and would literally need to find a new career.

Apparently there was no charge of DV. Again not an atty - but I have heard once charged in Texas - the state takes over and the other spouse is not able to rescind. The AG office takes the case and prosecutes. One thing I would not want to experience is to have to face a Texas court as a abusive spouse.

Just random thoughts - hope all is well and you all have a peaceful weekend.

I have seen it posted on here for years that the best a father can hope for is shared custody. While I do believe that in most cases it is best for children to spend equal time with their parents if the family cannot remain intact, I know personally of numerous situations where the father has been given full custody including my DH.

He got full physical and legal custody and the judge sited the fact that DH was primary care giver and his ex had demonstrated an unstable lifestyle. My son also got primary custody of his small DDs. It took us several trys to find an attorney that did not say that shared custody was the best that we could expect. You cannot get more than your attorney believes that he can get for you.

It appears that Patriot has a similiar situation and that if he remains level headed and wary he may be able to get custody. As long as he feels that he is truly doing it in the best interest of his children and not for vengence sake. The former appears to be the case.

You are absolutely correct Rwinger. He needs support here.

God's Blessings,

Say

Patriot,

You are losing love for your WW quickly. The only way to get your WW to change is to get NC between your WW and OM. I would suggest going the OM route. He clearly didn't like your exposure and since he isn't getting any sex anymore, he might just stop texting your WW if you can bring yourself to put the heat on him. I know you are getting fed up with the situation fast. This is a last ditch effort to try and get the outcome you wanted when you first came here.

just to add - I admittedly am not very savvy with advice and just shoot some thoughts out there. Usually - vets come around to expand and I learn from that process.

I do know that I have difficulty wrapping my head around the kind of hell Pat and other BS are going thru. In my situation - it was over before I could get my head in the game.

I question my own mental fortitude to go through some of these situations. All I can do is voice my support and throw a couple bullet items their way.

I think its perfectly ok for Patriot to vent his thoughts and mental state of his WW on this board - better to write it out here than to do it live in person and creating more drama.

In regard to moving and child custody: I believe that custody must be determined in the jurisdiction where the child has lived during the past 6 months.

I believe that Pat has mentioned moving back to where his family is with the children. That may not be possible if the custody must be decided in the jurisdiction where he is now living. Pat needs to consult an attorney.

That said, leaving one's children in the house with a violent parent will hurt Pat's case for custody, even if the other parent has never been violent toward the children.

Pat, I don't want to make you paranoid, but there have been people who KILLED their children to "get even" with the other parent. Do NOT take chances with your children's lives, even if you don't think your WW would hurt them.

What Pepperband said.
Please Change Your Priorities.

I see no indication that Patriot left his children alone with his WW unless I've missed something. He simply removed himself from the situation until the kids came home from school and sat at Starbucks venting to us.

Seems safe and healthy to me. He's in a really tuff place.

God's Blessings,

Say

Don't waste your time getting affadavits. They don't matter in court and are considered heresay. Nothing is more impressive than having people come in to testify on your behalf. That is the only thing that really impresses. Believe me. I've been through the process.

Affadavits might as well come from Ghandi himself. They don't care unless they hear it firsthand. So don't make your neighbors or anyone else uncomfortable.

Granted, they do have psychological value against your WW.

Also, if it's a home computer, then it is marital property and you can do whatever you want with it. It belongs to you and her equally.

I agree with HTLD about the Affadavits and that having the people there would be a bigger impact. If your MIL and FIL were there to support YOU, that would really say something too. Not all inlaws would do that though, but you could ask, since they know right now that YOU are the sane parent to their grandchildren. When/if your WW gets out of this fog, she would forgive them. My WH went to court with my BIL when WH's sister was trying to get custody of their child. My SIL was ANGRY that my WH would support her H, but she was also kookoo for coco puffs at the time(not sure she still isn't).

My BIL and SIL have an alternating week schedule with their daughter, which at least allows my niece every other week in sane ville.

I hope all goes well, and definitely consult an attorney if you are planning on moving.

PAT:
R U O K ?
bump

Thanks all: Strange weekend. She has been in some kind of gathering info mode, soming to me about I found this and that. Now she can't stop taling to her sister and one of her friends. Of course they all think I am insane and manipulative, that the only reason I did this was out of jealousy and anger. I went out with some friends Saturday night. Told her I would be home about 12, no big deal. Well about 5 past 12, text one: Where are you? I said I'll be home in a bit. Then every 10 minutes after. I got home about 1:15 (I have not been out late in more than a year) and I find a pile of cloths outside the door. I pick them up and walk in and she's recording me. Saying I came in drunk and all. I show her the recipt for 3 beers and dinner over a 4 hour period. Then I explained into her recorder, I don't drive drunk, that's reserved for my wife when she's away. Whatever! Then I get the third degree for an hour, trying to go to different rooms to sleep. Telling me I can't come and go, blah, blah.

Well the next day she goes out to my car and goes through my stuff. That night some girls had put a sting of beeds on me. No big deal, nothing happened. Well of course they were in the car and I had to hear about me having an affair. I could do nothing but laugh at this. First she was angry, then the good, because your not getting it here and go have an affair I encourage you started which made it more pathetic. Her friend from work who I knew I should not have contacted has now told her she has two weeks to do "the right thing" and either have the charges expunged, or tell her boss. With the arrest, her dad wont talk to her and now this, she is in a pretty sour mood.

Looks like she's getting a bit desperate. Desperate people can end up doing desperate and crazy things to try to maintain control. Be very careful

Going out with your friends on Sat and leaving her home (alone?) probably wasn't that great of an idea. Don't give her ammunition to use against you at this time. She will try to make mountains out of any molehills you offer to her.