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It is a black and white issue coercing someone to have sex with you is wrong seriously I cannot believe you guys advocate this. Having sex =/= cleaning the house. ESPECIALLY if it is cleaning your neighbor's/best friend's house.
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I'm guessing, having sex when you don't want to and said no but your spouse guilt trips you into it it's far from joyfullly. Is that what kind of relationships you enjoy, Lokil? I wonder why then you are here at Marriage Builders. This site is purposed to build strong, healthy marriages where the question of "wanting to" and "not wanting to" don't arise.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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I shouldn't get into that, but yes for the sake of argument lets say yes I ahve no morals but even I know that having sex when you are coerced into it's all kinds of wrong. Again, You're WAYYYY off topic here.......
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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even I know that having sex when you are coerced into it's all kinds of wrong. Your husband should not need to coerce you into SF. If he does, then there is something wrong with YOU! YOU would need to fix that about YOURSELF so that YOU can/will be able to JOYFULLY and HAPPILY fill that need for YOUR husband. This is especially true if YOU had an affair and met those same needs for someone other than YOUR husband. Do YOU understand, or would a flow-chart and a Pie-Graph be more helpful. Oh and did YOU tell YOUR husband and YOUR "Best Friend" about having SF with HER husband yet?
Last edited by Gack1; 02/05/10 02:29 PM.
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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There are plenty of reasons why I dont want to have sex sometimes, I may be too tired or in a bad mood or just need a break, my husband has always been fine about it, there are times when he doesn't want to I'm fine with that I cannot imagine having sex with someone who does not want to have sex.
What does SF means.
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what a horrible horrible advice, no one under any circumstances should have sex with anyone hwen they don't want to. Thank God for this. I was thinking I was the only person with reason. No one has to have sex, when they do not want to. There is a policy of joint agreement (POJA) on this site, if you guys didn't know. Demanding ANY action (under threat no less) is the act of a bully. Plain and simple. Wonder if this was the WS who said if the BS did not put out every time they wanted they would throw a fit?!? (and bring up the A?) I am amazed at the terrible advice, too.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Isn't Lokil the person who had sex with her best friend's H while BF had gone out of the house? And now wanted to find out how to hide this fact from her H?
When one has the morals of an alley cat, one can only expect alley cat reasoning. Careful with this.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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How can advising someone to have SF with their spouse be horrible advice? That is a really selfish and irresponsible comment. If you are going to be M to someone you MUST meet their needs, otherwise end the M. You can't hold a person hostage in a M where you are not willing to meet their needs unless there is some kind of medical condition preventing you. It is not about the sex.... I read recently in one of Dr. H's books that NEITHER spouse is to sacrifice for the other. Ever. I will have to go back and look at which one, but seriously people. bully. bully. bully. Hope you never have to live with one.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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I'm guessing, having sex when you don't want to and said no but your spouse guilt trips you into it it's far from joyfullly. Is that what kind of relationships you enjoy, Lokil? I wonder why then you are here at Marriage Builders. This site is purposed to build strong, healthy marriages where the question of "wanting to" and "not wanting to" don't arise. Nope. Back to the books.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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barbiecat and lokil,
There are probably 360 days per year I would rather be in the mood for other than work. I'm too tried to go, and yet I get up and go to provide FS to my W who stays home.
I do not feel like cleaning, I'm not in the mood. I also find it very hard to get in the mood to talk to her or hold her hand. What do think?
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what a horrible horrible advice, no one under any circumstances should have sex with anyone hwen they don't want to. Thank God for this. I was thinking I was the only person with reason. No one has to have sex, when they do not want to. There is a policy of joint agreement (POJA) on this site, if you guys didn't know. Demanding ANY action (under threat no less) is the act of a bully. Plain and simple. Wonder if this was the WS who said if the BS did not put out every time they wanted they would throw a fit?!? (and bring up the A?) I am amazed at the terrible advice, too. Barbie.... Can you go back and QUOTE the terrible advice you are talking about..... The Advice has not been against POJA that I can see! lokil does not yet know That SF means Sexual Fulfilment and she is coming here correcting posters????? PLEEEEAAASE!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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barbiecat and lokil,
There are probably 360 days per year I would rather be in the mood for other than work. I'm too tried to go, and yet I get up and go to provide FS to my W who stays home.
I do not feel like cleaning, I'm not in the mood. I also find it very hard to get in the mood to talk to her or hold her hand. What do think? She is being advised here to lovingly give in to the demands of a bully. where is that in the MB doctrine? Somedays I don't clean.. Don't feel like it, either. She is not a freak for saying no. She has some desires, too. POJA. POJA.. POJA.. POJA..POJA.. POJA.. POJA..POJA
Last edited by barbiecat; 02/05/10 02:53 PM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Barbie, Dr. Harley HAS and DOES advise people that are having difficulty with SF in the marriage to have SF everyday for two weeks and then report back to him for additional instruction....
I think your missing the point here as well!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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barbiecat and lokil,
There are probably 360 days per year I would rather be in the mood for other than work. I'm too tried to go, and yet I get up and go to provide FS to my W who stays home.
I do not feel like cleaning, I'm not in the mood. I also find it very hard to get in the mood to talk to her or hold her hand. What do think? She is being advised here to lovingly give in to the demands of a bully. where is that in the MB doctrine? Somedays I don't clean.. Don't feel like it, either. You first, quote where someone said to give in to the demands of a bully. If you can't prove your assertion, then why continue to engage you in conversation? You make a pretty strong accusation here, you need to back it up.
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Sexual Fulfillment No one has to have sex, when they do not want to. Correct But when you are a woman who had an affair (pa), and you are regularly rejecting your husband, YOU are going to kill whats left of YOUR marriage. YOU dont have to solve the problem YOU have with SF with your H. But if you don't, your marriage will rot, your H will build up MAJOR resentment, and the damage YOUR affair caused will still eventually land you in divorce court.
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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bully. bully. bully. Hope you never have to live with one. Barbie, I don't see where anyone is bullying here either... Are you just having a bad day or what's up?
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Barbie, Dr. Harley HAS and DOES advise people that are having difficulty with SF in the marriage to have SF everyday for two weeks and then report back to him for additional instruction....
I think your missing the point here as well! no. Don't think so. Not even close. Origional poster did not say she NEVER wanted sex...she is saying that when he demands and she does not comply he is being abusive. There is a big difference here.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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bully. bully. bully. Hope you never have to live with one. Barbie, I don't see where anyone is bullying here either... Are you just having a bad day or what's up? Do you have a reading comprehension issue? The issue is if sex is denied her " husband goes off the deep end! She AND THE CHILDREN are walking on eggshells." Does this sound like a good MB?!?! THOSE is the actions of a BULLY. Your guys' advice is just way off- 
Last edited by barbiecat; 02/05/10 03:00 PM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Sexual Fulfillment No one has to have sex, when they do not want to. Correct But when you are a woman who had an affair (pa), and you are regularly rejecting your husband, YOU are going to kill whats left of YOUR marriage. YOU dont have to solve the problem YOU have with SF with your H. But if you don't, your marriage will rot, your H will build up MAJOR resentment, and the damage YOUR affair caused will still eventually land you in divorce court. I rahter end up in divorce court than have to have sex unwillingly with someone I can't imagine the resent that I would have against my husband if he forced me to have sex.
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Barbie, Dr. Harley HAS and DOES advise people that are having difficulty with SF in the marriage to have SF everyday for two weeks and then report back to him for additional instruction....
I think your missing the point here as well! no. Don't think so. Not even close. Origional poster did not say she NEVER wanted sex...she is saying that when he demands and she does not comply he is being abusive. There is a big difference here. Really, let me see if she used the word demands.... Nope, she never did. What did she say, ----if I don't have sex with him for some reason he goes off the deep end! I must be cheating! Now she discounts it, but it just may be a trigger. I think you are OVERSELLING her position. Who first used the word demand? Why you did. So you are overselling the position. While the advice not to give into demands is a good one, you are in no position to know if they are demands or real life fears based on prior experience.
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