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HB77,..
When anyone around you implies that you are week, or foolish for trying to save your M, say something like. "It bothers me that you feel that way, but I believe that I am being strong, and courageous". "I love my W very much, and I am determined and committed to trying to have the best M possible".
Weekness, foolishness, and ignorance often lead us to do what seems the easiest, or what feels good at the time. This is a big factor in why As happen to begin with.
There is a part of you that says it would be easier to just walk away. But, there is another part, and probably a strdonger part that tells you to stay, and rebuild your M because you love your W. You are probably realizing how hard the R will be. This is no task for the week, or faint of heart. It takes a tremendous amount of strenght, and courage.
Please don't worry that other people may think you are week, or foolish. It's not their marriage, it's yours. You can't control how other people feel. If you explain all of this to them, and they still choose to feel that way, then so be it.
Right now you need to focus on you, and your marriage. Show, don't tell, SHOW your W that you are determined to be the kind of H that any woman would be foolish to walk away from. Make it easier for her to stay, and do the work to R your M, than to just give up. Thanks so much for the encouragement. I know that it is between my W and I and I wish others could be more supportive, but that is ok. Most of them have not gone through what I am going through now, so they don't really know anyway. I'm trying to do my best to show her that I am a good husband and I hope she can see that. Thanks again.
Married 7/10/04
Me: BS 32, WW:26
D-Day 12/23/09
Separation 12/28/09-
OM Revealed 1/12/10
WW cuts most contact with me/Starts seeing a different OM 2/2/10
Divorce papers served 10/15/10
Divorce finalized 11/9/10
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I'm thinking of buying a book to give my WW for Valentines Day. Which book would you suggest that will help her. I already have Surviving An Affair, but I am wondering what book would be best for her to read? Fall In Love, Stay In Love... His Needs, Her Needs... Etc. Any help would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
HEARTBROKEN77
Married 7/10/04
Me: BS 32, WW:26
D-Day 12/23/09
Separation 12/28/09-
OM Revealed 1/12/10
WW cuts most contact with me/Starts seeing a different OM 2/2/10
Divorce papers served 10/15/10
Divorce finalized 11/9/10
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Posts: 20
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I would say both of those books. We have read HNHN and it was really good.
I would, however suggest you get her something romantic for Valentines Day. Jewelry, flowers, candles and a card would be great.
Trust me, she would not want a book as her V Day gift. The items I mentioned will be a much better choice.
My husband got me all of those things last Valentines Day, less than a month after finding out about my A. It was the best Valentines Day ever!! I am the wife of throughthefog, btw.
Buy the books on your own and let her know you want to read them together at night when y'all go to bed. Read for about 30 minutes a night or however you want to do it. I do strongly suggest you read them as a couple!!
DH: BS (50)
ME: FWW (38)
M: 9 1/2
A started 1-13-09
D-Day 1-20-09
A ended NC 1-22-09
DSs (26 19)
DDs (23 15 12)
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You should also subscribe to Skype if you haven't already. You can video chat with each other, which I think is very important.
What would be even better is if y'all could figure out a way to work on your marriage together, in the same house. It sounds like she is really comimg around. All waywards lie in the beginning, we feel it will save our spouses from being hurt further. We couldn't be more wrong about this.
I think she should visit this site, it could help her a lot. It has helped me and my husband. If you're worried about her reading your posts, don't tell her your screen name. It took me a while to get here, but I am glad that I did.
Best of luck to you and your wife!
DH: BS (50)
ME: FWW (38)
M: 9 1/2
A started 1-13-09
D-Day 1-20-09
A ended NC 1-22-09
DSs (26 19)
DDs (23 15 12)
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Posts: 20
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One more thing, just because she cheated once, does NOT mean that she will again!!
DH: BS (50)
ME: FWW (38)
M: 9 1/2
A started 1-13-09
D-Day 1-20-09
A ended NC 1-22-09
DSs (26 19)
DDs (23 15 12)
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Posts: 141
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One more thing, just because she cheated once, does NOT mean that she will again!! Thanks so much for your advice and suggestions. I really appreciate it. Yes I hope to get her some special things for Valentines day. I just thought of the book as a small part of the overall gifts. We are still many miles apart, so I am a bit limited in what I can do for her and with her. I am going to send her some gifts though. The video chat sounds like a great idea! How do I sign up for Skype?
Married 7/10/04
Me: BS 32, WW:26
D-Day 12/23/09
Separation 12/28/09-
OM Revealed 1/12/10
WW cuts most contact with me/Starts seeing a different OM 2/2/10
Divorce papers served 10/15/10
Divorce finalized 11/9/10
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Posts: 20
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You just go to Skype.com and download it, it's very easy to do and it's free. You have to have a webcam, obviously. I really hope things work out for you and your wife!
DH: BS (50)
ME: FWW (38)
M: 9 1/2
A started 1-13-09
D-Day 1-20-09
A ended NC 1-22-09
DSs (26 19)
DDs (23 15 12)
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Posts: 141
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Thanks for all your help ttfwife. 
Married 7/10/04
Me: BS 32, WW:26
D-Day 12/23/09
Separation 12/28/09-
OM Revealed 1/12/10
WW cuts most contact with me/Starts seeing a different OM 2/2/10
Divorce papers served 10/15/10
Divorce finalized 11/9/10
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Posts: 141
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Posts: 141 |
The last couple of times I have talked to my WW on the phone, we have argued. She has a lot of issues with anger. I think much of it goes back to her childhood. I told her that it doesn't help us to get angry and argue. I know she is frustrated and unhappy where she is now as well, but in a way, she got what she wanted. She always believes the grass is greener on the other side.
Another thing she revealed now is how she only wants me to move to her and she seems more unwilling to move back with me, even in a different city in my state. She does continue to say that she loves and misses me. She also still wants us to get back together in the near future.
I think I will fly to her during my spring break in March and see what her attitude is like then.
Married 7/10/04
Me: BS 32, WW:26
D-Day 12/23/09
Separation 12/28/09-
OM Revealed 1/12/10
WW cuts most contact with me/Starts seeing a different OM 2/2/10
Divorce papers served 10/15/10
Divorce finalized 11/9/10
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Posts: 5,860
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Was your WW living close to her mother when you married?
Where does the OM live?
How far is the OM from your WW?
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Was your WW living close to her mother when you married?
Where does the OM live?
How far is the OM from your WW? Yes her mother used to live here in the same town when we married. That was how I met her. I first met her when she was 16 and she is 25 now. Then her mom moved back to Arkansas to be closer to her family about 3 or 4 years ago. Since then, the WW has always wanted to move there. I don't really want to because I am quite content here but if it means saving our marriage, I may have to do it. I suffer from anxiety disorder and I take medicine for it, which helps some, but moving too far away is one of my stupid fears that I have a hard time getting over. The OM lives near me in another small town about 10 miles away. So my wife is about 1500 miles from me and the OM now. I hope that I don't ever have to see him. 
Married 7/10/04
Me: BS 32, WW:26
D-Day 12/23/09
Separation 12/28/09-
OM Revealed 1/12/10
WW cuts most contact with me/Starts seeing a different OM 2/2/10
Divorce papers served 10/15/10
Divorce finalized 11/9/10
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Posts: 5,860
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Bad decision to want WW to move back close to where OM lives.
Is there NC?
Has the WW written a NC letter?
Does WW want to try recovery if you move there?
If you want to recover and there is NC, and WW would send a NC letter once you get there, then move there.
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Bad decision to want WW to move back close to where OM lives.
Is there NC?
Has the WW written a NC letter?
Does WW want to try recovery if you move there?
If you want to recover and there is NC, and WW would send a NC letter once you get there, then move there. WW is writing the NC letter now. She e-mailed me a draft this morning and I approved. So she is now hand writing the letter and sending it to me, so I can send it to OM. She deleted OM from her myspace page too. Yes, if I were to move there, she wants to try recovery. She doesn't want to come back to Utah (where I live) and certainly doesn't want to come back to this town. Because of my anxiety, moving there is a tough thing for me to do. I am planning on going there to see her for a week in mid-march and I could look things over then to see if I may want to move there. When I talked to WW today, she says that it is MY fault she cheated. I told her that I may have done some things wrong in the marriage and neglected some of her emotional needs, but I would not take the blame for what she did. That was her choice! It makes me upset to know she is still thinking that way.
Married 7/10/04
Me: BS 32, WW:26
D-Day 12/23/09
Separation 12/28/09-
OM Revealed 1/12/10
WW cuts most contact with me/Starts seeing a different OM 2/2/10
Divorce papers served 10/15/10
Divorce finalized 11/9/10
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Posts: 3,686
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Red flags. I don't think you should get comfortable with the idea of going there yet.
Did you expose the affair in your area? If so that is probably whhy she doesn't want to come back, she doesn't want to face people who know how callously she acted!
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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karmarose, her not wanting to comeback shows she knows that living 1500 mils from the OM is better then ten.
Her response of sending a NC letter is good.
Her response of blame shifting is still normal for many WW's. It is a defensive mechanism.
I don't think BH has family where he lives so why stay there. It was his wife's choice to cheat.
I'd say move to her an get her to counsel with the Harley's as one of the conditions for recovery.
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karmarose, her not wanting to comeback shows she knows that living 1500 mils from the OM is better then ten.
Her response of sending a NC letter is good.
Her response of blame shifting is still normal for many WW's. It is a defensive mechanism.
I don't think BH has family where he lives so why stay there. It was his wife's choice to cheat.
I'd say move to her an get her to counsel with the Harley's as one of the conditions for recovery. Actually almost all of my family lives nearby and they have been helping me through this tough time. Counseling is something we have both agreed to do together, if the time comes. I am actually getting IC now through a family and church service, but I don't if it is helping me that much. At least yet.
Married 7/10/04
Me: BS 32, WW:26
D-Day 12/23/09
Separation 12/28/09-
OM Revealed 1/12/10
WW cuts most contact with me/Starts seeing a different OM 2/2/10
Divorce papers served 10/15/10
Divorce finalized 11/9/10
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Posts: 141
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Posts: 141 |
Sometimes I really wonder if it is even worth it to try to save this marriage. I can't stop thinking about all the lies and betrayal. I know this is normal but it doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes I feel like the pain may be too much to overcome?
Married 7/10/04
Me: BS 32, WW:26
D-Day 12/23/09
Separation 12/28/09-
OM Revealed 1/12/10
WW cuts most contact with me/Starts seeing a different OM 2/2/10
Divorce papers served 10/15/10
Divorce finalized 11/9/10
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Posts: 5,860
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Posts: 5,860 |
You want to live with your parents close or with your WW?
You want to recover or not?
What's right is what's right for you.
"D-Day 12/23/09
Separation 12/28/09-
OM Revealed 1/12/10"
Recovery takes two to five years. Not five full years of hell. It's that it takes time. Changes are so slow that at times you will not notice them.
It is best to wait six months before deciding whether to D or R. Your mind has to stabilize after the shock.
Then at the six month mark many BH's go into a six month anger phase that can last up to six months.
Two months out from D day is early to call it quits.
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I'm not calling it quits yet. It just gets tough sometimes and I start to doubt myself and where the marriage is going or could possibly go. I know it is just going to take time. I'm just looking for a little support and advice along the way.
Married 7/10/04
Me: BS 32, WW:26
D-Day 12/23/09
Separation 12/28/09-
OM Revealed 1/12/10
WW cuts most contact with me/Starts seeing a different OM 2/2/10
Divorce papers served 10/15/10
Divorce finalized 11/9/10
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Posts: 141
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Posts: 141 |
I have noticed over the past couple of days that WW has become more distant to me. Almost no text messages, e-mails, or calls and when I contact her, she seems to be very annoyed that I'm making contact with her. Previously, she seemed very excited to have me fly out there and visit for spring break in mid-march. Now she doesn't even mention it. I even asked her mom what has going on and got no response (a week ago, her mom asked me to come visit them soon).
Do you think she has found somebody else, just like that? Maybe she just needs some time alone? I was just put together a nice gift box for her for Valentine's day and was planning on sending it tomorrow. I also am having a beautiful bouquet of roses sent to her on Valentines Day. I've spent a lot of time and effort making sure that I got her some special gifts that showed I care. I don't know why she is suddenly acting this way?
I was also just about to buy my plane tickets to fly there and see her, as well as making arrangements to get a ride to and from the airport. Now I doubt I will even go.
Married 7/10/04
Me: BS 32, WW:26
D-Day 12/23/09
Separation 12/28/09-
OM Revealed 1/12/10
WW cuts most contact with me/Starts seeing a different OM 2/2/10
Divorce papers served 10/15/10
Divorce finalized 11/9/10
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