IMO, she should be able to answer this question. What is so complicated about it.
I suspect she has deep seated issues if she did that many guys. I also think she likes variety and was not committed to you.
But, that is specualtion. Get her to answer. Make it a condition for R.

'PB', I agree with you, it is a form a self mutilation, especially with that trauma in her background.

Zelmo, I've heard that for someone to have sex with so many guys there has to be some issues. I do not know of any from her childhood. I suppose I cause her head to be so messed up, from what she said.

As I said, I have her a list of questions, and that question was not asked directly...but I will submit it to her, I need to know it, or why. All she says is she was 'messed up' back then and not sure why she did what she did...kinda sweeping it some more.

What is her level of education and how bright is she? Her answers seem fairly unsophisticated.

"I was messed up back then." What kind of answer is that?

Does she have trouble with intimacy, in general.

Codtej,

My guess would be that she had much self-loathing and hate for what she had done that she was looking for some validation. Yep, definately the wrong route to go, but seems to be somewhat common.

My sis had an affair. She fessed up to BH, who left her, and she subsequently went out with a couple more guys afterwards. She "thought" her BH would divorce her (he eventually didn't...). She had so much guilt, self-loathing, and hatred for herself she was looking for ANYTHING to release that shame. Even looking to other OM's to get it. It, of course, didn't ease it and actually compounded it. But that is what she was doing. When she finally figured out that that wasn't working for her, she finally went to some counseling, dropped her "friends" she was hanging out with, helped me through my H's affair, and got on here to get herself "righted".

I also know of another FWW, who once her affair ended, was going out all the time, drinking and clubbing where she would "flirt" with OM's. She too was looking for an escape from the he77 she was in.

They both told that AT THE TIME, they were looking for ANYTHING to escape. From the misery, hate, and disgustingness they had created.

Yes, they were going about it the wrong way, but you see, they were looking for something to replace the "high" they got when they were in their affairs. And like a lot of addicts, when they finally hit "rock bottom", and came to their senses, they sought REAL help. For my sis, it was watching ME go through the he77 of H's affair that caused her to hit rock bottom. For the FWW, it was her H telling her he wanted a divorce.

This could be a reason your wife did this......and she may not even know this answer herself.....who knows what her rock bottom was and what caused her to re-engage in the M.....she may not have this answer yet, but with some diligent interpersection she may figure it out.....and some IC help as well....

Hope this helps....

not2fun

......

Z,

This is another "broad-stroke" misnomer.

*I* was sexually abused as a kid......I was NEVER promiscuous, not even as a teen

My sister was NOT sexually abused.....she committed adultery AND was promiscouus as a teen

My H was NOT sexually abused....he committed adultery but was not promiscuous as a teen

I know of MANY sexually abused people who have NEVER been unfaithful in their marriages.....

I also know of MANY seuxually abused peopl who WERE unfaithful in the marriages....

Being sexually abused isn't a precursor to adultery.....if it is, then my DD's future H is SOL....

not2fun

ps....yes, I am offended by this remark....

Zelmo, she has her high school diploma. She doesn't have any problems with intimacy, and never have, except during he A's. I, currently, am the one with being intimate at times.

'N2F', are you saying that her A's were self perpetuating, in a sense?

Also her parents have been married for 50 plus years, she has two older sisters that live in the USA, and they both have been married for about the same as my wife and I....30ish years.

Her sisters that still live at home have been married to the same guy, never divorced.

I know she isn't one of those women who sleep around, I know it...it was just a very bad period in our lives and she did some very bad things.

You'll have to explain this further.....I have no idea what you are saying and I even looked that word up.....

not2fun

ps...I AM a blonde, ya know.....

Sorry, here you go:

self-perpetuating definition

self�-perpetuating (-pər pec̸h′o̵̅o̅ āt′iŋ)

adjective
of a kind that causes or promotes indefinite continuation or renewal of itself or oneself

By this definition, then yes.

What I have told you, seems to equate with her saying, "I was messed up back then...."

Yes, she most definately was......

((((Codtej))))

You're still early out....many more things will go through your head. You being here and posting will help.....

not2fun

Codtej,

Just wondering, it sound like you did much better in life than any of the OMs, do you think she was just shopping and decided she already had the better cut of steak.

Gamma

Yea 'N2F', I then understand what you're saying. It is plausible that one led to another to another, guilt, anger, shame, on her behalf.

I agree, we are not even at 6 months post Dday, it is very fresh for me. For her it happened 20 odd years ago, and she so wants for it to be over.

That is part of our problem.

Sorry you took offnese, Not2. I was sexually abused as a kid, as well. I was not promiscuous.
But, the literature would seem to suggest that it does predispose one to promiscuity.

Cod:

Yea, it was twenty years ago for her, 6 months for you. And you are confronted with a cultural bias toward black and white interpretations, NOT introspection. Don't expect a lot of soul searching.

One other factor and then I will leave it alone, for her, you are the one who was her first lover. And that counts a bunch in her worldview.

Larry

Larry, thanks about being the first one, I know it means a lot to her....it used to mean a lot to me, now I am not so sure.

Can you expand on your first paragraph? Plz don't leave it alone yet, ok?

I do feel you are onto something. I am totally an introspective person and I have a great memory, so everything she has told me, and things that happened back then are burned into my memory. I know Dr. Harley said having a good memory is a bit of a curse trying to R from A's.

Ok, let me think about how explain and I will.

Larry

While waiting, I do understand about her lack of soul searching. I've always found my FWW to be like that. She has zero interest what is said on this forum, doesn't care in the least. I've shown her situations exactly like ours, and how the couples reacted, it seems to not resonate with her.

I was reading on another thread from Z I think. They were talking about what it takes to just walk away. Some say that having one infidelity incident is enough...I was thinking, jeez, my wife had 5 separate A's...wtf.

I could have survived this one. A second affair would have been a deal-killer.

Yea Fred but you know my situation is different than yours, different time, time frame, etc. If my wife had one A...I found out and we worked it through, then she had another, well it would've been a deal killer for me too.