jag, I would strongly suggest you get a better method of spying on him. Go download a keylogger onto his computer and you can see everything, IM chats, etc. eblaster is a real good one that can email you reports as often as you want. www.spectorpro.com

Another thing you could do since he is calling her from your home is to put a tap on your land line. They have these at Radio Shack and are pretty easy to install. Just install it on a phone that is out of the way.

jad, you don't have to wonder whether your husband is in an emotional affair. He is. What you've described has plenty of the signs. 70-minute phone conversations? I don't know what line of business they're in, but that's no one's idea of efficient work habits. The contact outside of business-hours. Deleting e-mails? Like I said before, guys who don't feel they have stuff to hide, don't hide stuff. The flirty banter (raised shirt?). The little, innocent(?) compliments ("you're too nice to me"). That's exactly how it happens. Been there.

Maybe if your H's work-colleague were another male, you might not be here having this discussion right now. But she's not a male. She's Ms.Opportunity knocking. Your H might be a lifelong good-guy who'd never have considered seeking out an affair, and he'd probably protest that he's not in an EA. But if so, he's a guy who's blind to his lack of boundaries -- which means that if she ratchets up the compliments or the flirty banter, he's easy prey. This is a PA waiting to happen. Chances are, your hubs is in cake-eating mode, where he thinks he can harmlessly get his ego stroked on the side, and is willing to ratchet up the personal nature of this friendship of his, but may still think he's strong enough to not let things get out of hand. But if Ms.Opportunity knocks a little harder, look out.

Again, the point isn't to make you panic. But you have to compartmentalize yourself in the most disciplined way, to be loving toward him when you're together, while snooping your bum off like you're Jane Bond, Agent 007 in Lipstick & Heels, and patiently NOT tipping your hand re: what you're doing, either until you've been satisfied that after awhile, nothing inappropriate is happening any longer, [not likely, sorry to say], or until he goes far enough that you can drop enough evidence on him such that there'll be no way for even him to deny what he's involved in.

And then, if your worst fears come to pass, you're probably going to have to do a big-time exposure on him in order to cut off this relationship. Which will not mean the end of your world: When my OW's husband snooped & found her out, that was my exposure as well. Yeah, it sucked at the time, but now I look back on it as the catalyzing event that put an end to me being the world's biggest [self-censored]hole and enabled me to save my marriage & got me headed back toward loving my wife the way I should've all along.

I hope this cup gets taken from your hands, but if not, you'll need to be strong as steel & fight for your marriage.

Read up on Plan A. Link in my sig. Come back and discuss with the class

t/j to Gloveoil and turtlehead: if y'all want to get an excellent read, get Dr Harleys new book, Effective Marriage Counseling. There is some dynamite stuff in there.

Thanks for the advice. Tuesday when I get to talk to Steve cannot come fast enough. I appreciate all you have to say, even though I'm still in denial. Yes, there I said it. I want to believe him. I want to trust him. I don't want to be so sick over all of this.

I guess I was hoping for some positive comments from each of you from what I told you he said last night, on the phone and in e-mail. I should say they are in education, and co-worker is married with kids. I've met her a few times before but not much.

I will try to check in some this weekend, but I also need to get some focus. Again, I appreciate the advice and suggestions and support. I'm taking it all to heart, working on being the best wife I can be, working to focus on all we have and all I want us to have and what I "think" he wants, too, and still hope for the best.

Sad...

jad: this is exactly how my WH EA started! pay attention to all the advise the vets are telling you. BFF? how old is your husband. if he is not a 12 yr. old girl, this phrase should never apply to anyone but you.

so sorry you are hurting, everything you are experiencing, i have been there. physical, emotional pain all of it. just breath, you can do this.

i could see everything my WH refused to see with his EA....i just saw it to late. you are in the unique position to learn from all of our failures. 77 minute phone convo? EA is active and happening. stop it now. this is not your insecurities, these are really things that he is allowing to happen to your marriage. listen to everything melody and gloveoil are saying.

this is real, it is happening, don't hide from it, don't let it continue. i saw it back in march with my WH and shrugged it off and come april he was ready to leave me. stop this now.

jad,

Just your H juvenile behavior of calling her his BFF is enough proof of his waywardness. Try to hold yourself together, snoop and do plan A while you wait to talk to Steve. No more A talk until then!

I know Betty, I wanted to puke when I read that.

Snoop (don't feel guilty about it since you must protect the family and it is the only way to figure out without a doubt their involvment)

and

monopolize your H's time.

Meet him at lunch at work (drop in at his break) and meet him after for hikes, coffee, movies, anything to do with him.

At night, have activities for the two of you and lure him into them.

It will drive OW nuts and though you will bug your H (he could be playing with OW), he will sort of like it somewhere down deep inside.

Plan A while finding the facts.