I know I will never get the answer from my FWW and I am not sure if it healthy, however at times I ponder why she had sex with so many OM in a relatively short time? I still don't have a lot of answers. I have given her a Q&A tablet, with many questions and thoughts/concerns. She has had it for two weeks. I have not asked her how far along she is, or if she has even started it. She hates to talk about her A's, basically refuses to as it causes her to think of her hurt from the past, (as I've posted here before).

From what she has said in the past, all 5 guys were within 9 months or so..? From what OM 1 told me, they were together for maybe 4 months, and none of the OM were ONS. My wife totally denies it was 4 months. She did have EA's with them, then it 'devolved' to PA's.

I just wonder why so many guys, if it means anything? We were very at the time, she was about 24.

I will say that I am having a difficult time right now. I do not feel hurt as much as right after Dday, but I still hurt. I still cry, but not so much as before.

I feel insecure still and have pretty low self esteem. I feel rejected as well, but what I really feel at times is PISSED. I feel angry at her, them, everything. Sometimes I feel so close to my FWW, sometimes I don't want her to touch me, or to be near me. Sometimes I feel our future is going to be ok, sometimes I hate her and am not sure how I can be with her after all of this.

So confused.

codtej, has she ever had counseling? Or is she (and you) content to "sweep it under the carpet," so to speak, only to have it come up again and again, as it has now?

I've done IC a lot, post Dday. I was doing very well, very strong, very secure. Then my FWW came back from vacation, (you may recall the story..?).

We did do MC 3 times, (I've posted on this too). The therapist was way off and not connecting with me at all during our MC sessions. I had posted here where one session my wife was crying and telling how she was feeling during the early part of our marriage, (which I understand). Then the therapist looked at me and said, 'do you understand why your wife would feel so upset that her doing what she did was the only way out", or something in that vein.

That was the last time we went there. We have not done IC nor MC in a few months. The therapist did pick up on my wifes anger issues however and suggested some things.

My FWW so wants to so sweep it under the carpet, but not call it that.

The anger comes at around the 6 month mark. Your Dday was in Aug. 09, so you are RIGHT ON TRACK.

This is all normal and necessary (hello, your wife behaved in skanky ways, of course you are PO'ed. I'd be more scared if you WEREN'T angry.....) in your journey of healing, whether that be for your marriage or personal.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Your wife's affairs had NOTHING to do with you. They are of her own short-comings. YOur questions and need for answers are also normal......

Hang in there.....you seem to be NORMAL (well, as normal as normal gets in these parts.... )

not2fun

Probably because she is really messed up. Any sexual abuse as a kid in her past? Many promiscuous folks seem to have that in their backgrounds.

No, none of that Zelmo. I've stayed with her family overseas, they are a loving family, a very large family. They were poor but she had a good up bringing, from what I can tell.

I am the one with the broken family, (multiple times), some weird sexual things that happened, just a not so happy childhood.

One would expect it would've been I that had the sexual affairs, since it was I that had the screwed up childhood.

I dunno.

Do you suspect that she has been unfaithful in the years between 1988 till now?

Larry

I never really did until post Dday....now I wonder if it is/was possible. She says she has never been with anyone since those 5 OM. I do not really suspect her of fooling around since then, HOWEVER anything is possible.

She used to go out with her g/f's sometimes on fri or sat night, and dressed up pretty sexy. She swares they only went to clubs for the music and didn't dance with other guys, nor accepted drinks from guys, (do I believe her? not sure).

I told her she can never go out to clubs anymore unless I am with her. She agrees.

Hi Codetj

I have read somewhere that once a W withdraws form their M, they begin looking for a new partner and having a look at what is available.

Not mentioned this here before and my H does know that while I was having my A, there were several other men on the scene - I guess I was trying them all out to see if any of them were a suitable replacement. Once i stopped THE A all other contact with the other other men stopped. (I didn't have sex with any of them), Some by email, some drunken flirting/dancing (not innocent) - I think there might have been 5.


I do not like going on girly nights anymore - I went on one on Sat (best friend) but came home at 10 because I just feel so uncomfortable since finding this site and understanding M.


I was not unfaithful before this A.


Apologies to everyone that has supported me. I have been lying by omission - thought this might be an opportunity to share, if it might help codtej.

Couple of questions.

Did you meet your wife while in the military in her country of origin or here in the States?

When did she arrive here in the US?

What country is it she is from?

Were you deployed when she had the affairs about which you know?

Larry

'Stayingtogether', thanks for sharing. I was reading on another forum something and one poster said his therapist said the same thing as you, 'trying out OM' basically.

This one guy's FWW had 5 PA's as well, and the therapists thinks she went from guy to guy because she didn't find what she was looking for, or it wasn't what she thought.

In my heart of hearts I do not believe she has been with anyone since then, but I always have to qualify it with, I am not 100% sure. I would've never thought she had sex multiple times with 5 OM either.

'Larry'....yes we meet overseas. She had just turned 17 and I was 20, we married after 5 months of dating. As I said above, I met her family and even stayed with them for 30 days leave. They were, and still are, a wonderful bunch. They still have extended families over there, so there is like 20 people/kids in the same house. They rarely fought or complained. I have always been envious of her family.

She arrived Dec 1980, we married Jul 80.

Philippines

I was not deployed when the A's occured as I was no longer active duty, but worked full time as a mil/gov employee. When I was active duty I only deployed for 2 weeks at a time, and not too often. I do not think she fooled around then, and she says she did not. One of the OM, the first guy, was in the same military unit as I, but we didn't know each other until the A was discovered. He is the guy I confronted on FB and provided me the truth.

***edit****

She saw you as a way out of poverty and continued her ***EDIT****ways.

Period.

***********edit************

Cod:

I am totally blown away.

While also hauling around a culture of corruption, the Philippines is mostly about family. To betray a husband who is a good earner is to betray the family.

Historically there have been two kinds of girls, good ones and bad ones. That said, up until recently, offers of employment often meant satisfying the carnal appetites of the boss. Some of that is still going on although it is becoming common for interviews to have two people present, a male and a female, to help prevent the more egregious of past practices. So the good girl, bad girl of legend was/is also tempered by sheer survival.

And of course, the bad girl might just a "Fallen" girl, forced into the category of bad girl by circumstances and fortune, such as 1) falling in love and having a love child she had to support, or 2) helping an extended family survive, or 3) becoming the bosses' play toy, or 4) whatever.

Typically, filipinas are very loyal. And that comes from several social pressure points. I can list them if you want.

As you reflect on your wife, keep in mind that most filipinas type themselves as "Simple." This doesn't mean stupid, it means that their values are not complex. They see themselves as a good girl or a bad girl, a loyal person or one who doesn't care about that. The context is fluid. A good girl can turn into a bad girl and a bad girl can become a good girl: as she defines herself.

A bad girl, in her mind, has no restraints. If your wife at one time considered herself to be one, boffing 5 guys is no big deal. If later on she turned herself into a good girl, she would be surprised that anyone would think she could do something like that again.

It is all about culture and growing up within an alien value system compared to one we have here. I am not going to dwell on the psychology of guys there, that is a whole 'nuther diatribe.

Now flash backward. We see very a young girl who transplants to the US and has to adjust to what she finds here. Amongst her new found friends, she sees a whole different way of looking at cheating. She wonders if. . . But at the same time, has no way of really understanding what she is seeing. Women are herd creatures and have a hard time with transplanting.

I do believe in paternity. If indeed one of your daughters is not yours, that should be handled. Genetic predisposition to disease are more than enough to go down that path and I completely understand that it wouldn't make any difference to you in terms of your attachment and love for that girl, nor should it.

From that point, consider you cannot change the past, it is immutable. But you can have an effect on the future. At this point, you read HNHN by Harley as a start. You have long and meaningful talks with your wife and not about the affair, but instead, the recovery of intimacy and trust in her and what it will take to get there.

What say you?

Larry

Larry, thanks for your well thought out, intelligent post.

I know my wife was a good girl, a virgin. I do know this. I met many women over there and I know the bad girls, I am very in tune and I pick up on vibes....I met some very good girls and she was one.

We did have some issues back then, we were both young and didn't know how to deal with our issues, lack of communication being a big one. We suffer from that currently, though not as badly as before.

I've done some more calculating and it seems like for the our one DD to not be mine would be unlikely, just because of the dates I came up with. It it unlikely, but not 100%.

I know I can't change the past and I do plan to get HNHN and also Surviving an affair..? Its tough to move on, or to get over, or whatever you want to call it. I just look at her differently now. She was the love of my life, the only woman I've ever loved. She says I am the only man she's ever loved...I am not sure if I believe her.

You guys realize this is helping absolutely no one, don't you?

OK,,Let's ALL try supporting and HELPFUL suggestions!!!

Yea Fred, I do not like to have my wife called names by anyone, so if I am barked at, I will bite back. I talked to a Mod and its done....lets get back to the topic.

I replied to your question Fred, did you see it brother?

I saw it, codtej. You don't need me to tell you that 'sweeping it under the carpet' does anything but put dirt under the rug.

The only conclusion that comes to my mind right now is that this is part of the process -- and that you just have to work your way through it.

But again, I'm not being very helpful. Sorry.

No you are, most everyone is helpful. Just listening to me vent helps, even if you have nothing concrete to offer. I go on threads and only offer a {{{hug}}} or a, 'I understand'....I appreciate it all Fred.