Schoolbus ???? yea, I remember schoolbus. Thank you.

Larry

'N2F', I will ck out the link, thanks. I agree, Larry is tearing it up and I appreciate it so much. Thank you for your compliment about me, seriously. Yes the word 'time' has been drilled into my head, and it sucks yes, because, well it takes time...lol.

Your observation about mourning the loss of the innocence in my marriage, the loss of trust, my wife and myself, was good stuff. To surmise, you hit it simply with only few words.

Larry, I do not know where you received your training on culture, but you are very accurate, and in tune with feelings on the subject as well. Having knowledge on cultural differences is great, however being a person who has been through infidelity has enabled you to bring it all together and for it to make sense to me....perhaps it has helped some other folks as well.

I do try to share when I can. Usually to someone who is just going through Dday and having feelings similar to what I had at that time.

Please keep posting Larry.

COD:

Well, heck. I read a lot. My initial training was at the UofH in Houston during a time when the psych dept. was doing a power play on the sociology dept (psych eventually lost the battle) for more power and to take over part of the sociology money.

The shrinks had a couple of bright ideas and very bright guys from whom I absorbed every bit of knowledge I could. Since that time, I have been to 26 countries and lived in a couple other than the US.

I have read most of what Harley has written and as important, thought about what he has NOT written. And I know what it feels like to have a wife cheat on me.

I am an old man living out his years. If I can pass on some of the things I have learned the hard way in life to someone who has reason to apply critical thinking to what I have to say, then I feel blessed and that is no bull.

Thank you for your comments. I will say that I look up to Pep, Mel, JL, Mark and half a dozen others. They all cover more ground than do I. But what I know is what I know and sometimes I can help.

All the best.

Larry

Codtej,

It was the losses that hurt me the most......my most tender of tears were because of those.....but I'm good with it NOW. I lost *MY* innocence and neitivety because if this....I don't miss them at ALL.....

Have a great weekend and PLEASE, do something wonderful on Sunday and don't talk of A/M/R......

not2fun

Larry, you're are not old, you're wise and have wisdom to pass on....its appreciated, mucho..!!

'N2F', I hear you, I feel the same about the losses, especially the loss of the innocence in our marriage and that will never ever come back.

Thanks for the Valentines day point, I will for sure not bring it up...I ordered something nice, but because of the snow it will be delayed a bit.

Strange how when someone mentions your name your ears burn.


I logged on for the first time in a long time the day after you guys were talking about me behind my back!


codtej:

The one thing I see after reading this thread is that your wife seems to come close to accepting responsibility, and then says, "BUT" immediately after getting there.

Your next move?

Bring it to her attention. Tell her in very simple terms:

"You know honey, you almost got there. You said you were responsible, you took the blame, and then you said the word 'BUT', and took it all back again. It would mean more to YOUR RECOVERY if you stopped right before you had the urge to take it back with the 'BUT'. Try just saying that to me again, and don't say the 'But' part. See how it feels to me, and to you."

I did that with my H, and it was like a cleansing process.

At first he was angry that I said that to him, so I just said what he said - first exactly what he said, with the "BUT", and then I calmly and lovingly said it WITHOUT THE "BUT".

My words nearly echoed in the room.

He saw it so clearly, it was like a lightning bolt hit him.


And I asked him to please, just say it that way, because the difference MADE a difference. It was HIM, accepting responsibility - not erasing it.


And he did say it. It made a huge gap between us begin to close.

Schoolbus

I missed your post 'Schoolbus'...until this morning.

You are exactly right, you hit the nail on the head. She is reeeeeally close. We are intimate, connected, tender, sweet, and I do understand how a marriage can survive and come out stronger after an A.

I also feel her using 'but' is keeping herself from healing...along with me and us as a couple. You bring up a simple, but very important point 'schoolbus'....the word, 'but'.

I was thinking I am stuck at this point because she is not happy about answering all of the questions I wrote down, (I do wonder if knowing some of the answers would be a set back. Also I prolly would not believe half of it as I would think she is trying to not hurt me more).

I think the bigger sticking point is her not fully, 100% accepting her responsibility for her actions..ie: using 'but'. I will sit down with her in a few days and go over this, I hope her reaction is the similar to your husbands, 'schoolbus', thanks. I will let you guys know how it turns out, thanks 'schoolbus'.