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U233,
Read as many of the BH threads as you can, I think they will help you to see things through your husbands eyes.
When I first started reading on MB it honestly shocked me to read the threads written by WWs, some of them seemed to have been written by my wife.
And even though my wifes EA was years ago, reading the WW threads was the first time I understood what happened then and what she felt at that time.
God Bless
Gamma
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"Employment changes in progress"
What do you mean by this?
Remember NC needs to be for both you and your BH. I don't think it's good for your BH to work where the OM works. Maybe not fair for your BH to have to give up his job. Though working there will only continue to trigger your BH. Which will impact his healing.
Last edited by TheRoad; 02/02/10 04:59 PM.
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I wanted to bumop this thread back up to say thank you again to everybody who has spoken up to urge me into the actions necessary for my BH's heart and life to be healed. I am following all your advice not to save myself but to do the best I can for my BH and family to not be hurt by me anymore.
In spite of all the helpful advice I have heard on here, the best thing that could have ever happened was something that my H did not because he ever read this forum (because he didn't prior to) but because he has this uncanny ability to figure out the right thing to do in crisis situations. He EXPOSED! He did it swiftly and surely. Even though he doesn't want to be married to me anymore, I am grateful that he put my hellish acts to an end. For any BS that is reading this . . . . EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE. I feel that as a WS, if I reply to other posts written by BS's and encourage them to expose that I will be flamed. But I'm going to try to do it anyway. There is nobody that can imagine the power of exposure until they have lived through it.
FWW me - 35, BH - 50, 5 kids total (blended fam)
Dday - 1/29/2010, Exposure & NC same day
Recovering slowly
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u233,
Don't give up on your H just yet. There is a process that all must go through, and he, as you, are just starting this process.
God Bless,
JL
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TheRoad - I realized that I didn't respond to "what does that mean, employment changes in progress?" I have been trying feverishly to get a new job for the last 3 days. Of course someone will say "why haven't you just quit. you must not be serious about R." Now finding myself alone with no child support, 2 kids, and full husehold expenses to pay, it would be irresponsible to quit without first securing a new job. I cannot wait until I can get out of here though. I am terrified of being up here.
I got SAA in the mail yesterday and started reading today. Amazing but depressing too.
I hope one day my H will come here and get some support from you guys. This community does a tremendous job of helping BS's.
With that having been said, I have a technical question. Can anyone recommend a good way to search for threads that are started by WS's? I have been reading with every spare moment I have. Most of the threads I read are for BS's. Any pointers for searching?
FWW me - 35, BH - 50, 5 kids total (blended fam)
Dday - 1/29/2010, Exposure & NC same day
Recovering slowly
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I just re-read my post and realized that I said that most threads are "for" BS's. That was the wrong choice of words. Threads started by BS's are good for WS's to read because it opens their eyes to the pain they have caused.
I guess I was asking about threads initiated by WS's, not that one thread is "for" BS or WW.
FWW me - 35, BH - 50, 5 kids total (blended fam)
Dday - 1/29/2010, Exposure & NC same day
Recovering slowly
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The way that I found out different people's stories is that I looked at their signature lines. The people who say FWS, I would click on their names, click on view posts. Then click on Topics created. Go to the page that is the highest, therefore the oldest, and see what you can find. I hope that helps
Last edited by Scotland; 02/04/10 11:00 PM.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I'm not sure if there is a way to search for posts made specifically by WS's, but I can give you a few names of regular posters here who are FWS's, and you might be able to search by screen names. I am a FWW (writer1). Gloveoil is a FWH. Lurioosi2 is a FWW. I believe MrsWondering is also a FWW. I'm sure there are a lot that I'm leaving out here.
May I ask why it is that you don't have any child support? I've forgotten the details of your story. Is your H the father of your kids? I think you have at least one together, right? Why wouldn't your H help support your COM? The "quit your job" directive is indeed difficult to follow in our current economy. Maybe diligently looking for a new job is the most you can do right now.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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OK. I think searching for the posts according to name is what I will try.
H is the father of my youngest. No, he doesn't have questions about paternity because . . . . . . we adopted her. We both love her as dearly as we do our bios. If someone says "well, if she is adopted then that isn't really his child" then I will invite you to read some forums for adoptive parents to see their views on whether their kids are "really theirs." I can't answer why he won't provide monetary support because I am not him. I can say though that I believe he will remain the best father imagineable for any child.
Yes, it is hard to work here now. I am filled with dread by this place.
FWW me - 35, BH - 50, 5 kids total (blended fam)
Dday - 1/29/2010, Exposure & NC same day
Recovering slowly
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No, I didn't mean that I dread THIS place (MB). I dread my workplace. I am scared to be here. I don't want any man to speak to me.
No, I am coming to MB daily to try to learn more. Now, I must say, visiting is depressing as is reading SAA. But, I still come anyway to try to gain knowledge.
FWW me - 35, BH - 50, 5 kids total (blended fam)
Dday - 1/29/2010, Exposure & NC same day
Recovering slowly
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Glad you are looking. Your BH needs NC with the OM and he needs to find a new job also.
How close do you live to OM? Do you live in a small town were either of you can run into the OM?
The reason for the both of you to find new jobs in a new town and move away from the OM.
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I agree. No, thankfully we live in a moderately sized town that is different from OM's town. It is set up such that we never have to see him again other than H seeing him periodically at work. They don't work in the same area. H ranks high in the organization and OM is a pee-on.
H talked to me today and gave more specifics about his pain than he has since this whole tragedy began. Knowing that he is hurt is hard enough. But then to hear him say things that the A made him feel about himself that aren't true was the worst. Exposing and threatening OM hopefully helped with those inner feelings somewhat. But it is horrible that I caused him to have bad feelings about himself. I am the only bad one.
Other waywards out there . . . . . please get out of the fog while you can! There may come a time when it is too late.
FWW me - 35, BH - 50, 5 kids total (blended fam)
Dday - 1/29/2010, Exposure & NC same day
Recovering slowly
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U233, Here is something from Pep's Notable Quotes thread. It is a post from a woman named Hopeful_person. You can look up many of her posts if you go click on my name at the side of this post and choose to look at the view posts section then search for her name. It was years ago. Here is Hopeful_person's from Pep's thread. Wow! I was finally able to again login here. Haven't been here in ages.
Just wanted to say 'hi' to all my old MB friends, and also wanted to give encouragement to all here. Your marriage can be saved! If mine could be resurrected, anyone's can!
I came here about three years ago AFTER I was divorced. I was the former WS, and my husband had filed for divorce. The affair had lasted about four years, and for two of those years I was living with my husband. All told, my DH and I lived apart for 3 1/2 years, of which 1.5 years were spent legally divorced.
When I ended the dreadful A I found MB. It was incredible how my story was like so many others' here. What a mess I'd made of my life, and of my family's life.
After posting here for FIFTEEN months and getting much encouragment and advice from JL, Pepperband, Redhat, Litchfield, and so many others my DH finally agreed to a 'date'. The man hadn't spoken with me in years on any sort of level beyond 'hello'. It was so sad, but I took full responsibility.
That was almost two years ago this upcoming December. Our first dates were very strained and not romantic at all. Let's just say it wasn't like in the movies.
Very shortly after our first 'dates' we remarried. It all happened within about three weeks. That was just about two years ago, and soon we'll be celebrating the 24th anniversary of our first marriage.
Never, ever, give up hope UNLESS your ex has remarried. Believe me, my DH was very withdrawn and detached from me for YEARS. We don't talk much at all about our time apart. It's behind us, and we certainly don't dwell on it. It all seems like a bad nightmare, but we did learn from it.
JL always told me "patience and time". He was right.
All is going very well. Our three children are elated we're together again.
Hang in there, even if it seems hopeless!
Hopeful_person Hope this helps. God Bless, JL
Last edited by Just Learning; 02/05/10 08:25 PM.
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U233, Here is a sample of hopeful_person's posts. You can easily navigate within her posts by clicking on her posting name and click on "view posts". Here is just one of many hopeful_personJL
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... thank you for posting this. I'm on this site tonight because I'm in a very similar situation. My husband (actually we never got to the getting married part but we've been together for 3 years and have a child together) works out of town and I met someone online and... short version of the story, I'm a moron and an *sshole. I've destroyed the trust to the point that he wants a paternity test for our son. We have children from previous marriages who see each other as family and I've just crapped all over all of our lives. He has his faults but he doesn't deserve this. I'm sitting here tonight praying he comes home to stay, and not just to pack and leave again. Anyway, I was going to post for advice but the situations are so similar and there are so many great responses here. .. thank you. I hope we both get another chance...
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notsmart . . . i am not sure how much reading you have done of other posts. I have done a lot of reading this week. One thing that I am seing is that recovery is not only very hard work but also takes a long time. Reading hopeful_person's posts is inspirational though.
FWW me - 35, BH - 50, 5 kids total (blended fam)
Dday - 1/29/2010, Exposure & NC same day
Recovering slowly
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duplicate post - sorry
Last edited by _Larry_; 02/06/10 02:53 PM.
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If more people would put in 20% of the level of work initially in their marriages, they wouldn't have to put in five times that much effort trying to recover from doing something really, really stupid, like an affair.
But that is oft the nature of man.
Simply put, bad results aren't real until it happens to them. We learn through example set for us, books we read, friends, raising kids, making minor mistakes, introspection and best of all, connecting with the inner teenager in all of us by pe*ing on an electric fence to see what happens.
Unintended consequences. . .
Now lemme say something for your husband, possibly your STBXH.
You sir, have a choice. Yea, she has destroyed your trust. Yea, she has made you feel like, well, what man feels like who has horns on his head. I know, been there.
On the other hand, you have an opportunity seldom given to any man. And that opportunity is to live with a woman you KNOW will not cheat on you. Why? She has been to the mountain and the mountain has fallen in on her hapless head.
Just something to think about . . .
And let me say something about divorce. See, divorce equals closure. And after closure, what? I have seen a couple of times where romance was relite based on the simple fact it had been there before. This is akin to going to a high school and falling into an affair with a lost love. It happens.
All the best.
Larry
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Almost 2 weeks post D-day and NC, I feel like I am significantly defogged but realize after reading so many stories on here that there is unlikely I am 100% defogged. So, I am looking for more 2x4's to knock more fog out of me.
Reading so many of the posts from BH's reiterates the pain I have caused my H. I recognize he has much more to go through and I am working to not add to it. I get the fact that there is no magic wand or reset button to take it away.
I still feel no withdrawal from OM. That was dwindling rapidly following the first Dday and ended upbruptly in the first 10 minutes of Dday #2. Yes, the withdrawal I feel is for the life I had with my H and how good it could have been.
I am still at my job and working on getting out. It may take several weeks for me to get a new job. In the meantime, I am taking EP's to preclude contact with OM. I hate even typing "OM". Gross. Wish he would vaporize.
Kids are doing OK. Other than my H and kids, my only other family member is my mother. She is OK. Church has been really good.
I read one of Zelmos comments today. He mentioned the fact that his kids love him. Animals love him. He is professionally successful. What does he have to work on? It reminded me of myself because I have similar qualities. The thing is, none of it even matters because of the what I threw away. Because of what I did, I no longer have the admiration of my H. So, I could become president or find a cure for cancer and it wouldn't be fulfilling.
Anyway, as I said earlier, I want to remove more fog. What's my next step to do so?
FWW me - 35, BH - 50, 5 kids total (blended fam)
Dday - 1/29/2010, Exposure & NC same day
Recovering slowly
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