I'm sure there are. Statistics are kept about everything these days. Including keeping statistics.

It's finding them that becomes the challenge.

Google? Are you listening?

Take care of yourself LLL
Are you sleeping better now?

I am sleeping somewhat better although not every night. My sister has gone back to her place, so its just me and my canine buddies....thank God for them or the house would be very quiet. Maybe I should adopt a a few more dogs???? Then I'd have to hire someone to live in and be a full time dog care person!!!

I'm lucky right now. I can take dogs to office one day a week (usually Fridays) and have a housekeeper who's here 2 days a week. So they're not on their own too much and I don't have to feel guilty they're not getting enough attention.

I'm starting to kind of get used to my new lifestyle. It was pretty unnerving at first, because for the months before my mother's death and H leaving, life was frantic. I never had a spare moment and was trying to still keep some home life going, although clearly....I was not observant enough to see H pulling away. Now when I look back, I see it. At the time, I thought he was consumed with work-related issues and I was consumed with trying to keep my mother comfortable, my job going and also still have some time with H. When I look back, I don't know how I could have done anything other than what I did....my mom had critical health issues and was not able to handle her own health care. My sister helped a lot and was there during the day when I had to be at work. I thought we had developed a balance for managing a terrible situation. So, I'm starting to think I don't have regrets about how I handled this. I think the failure is my H's not mine. After 29 years, a relationship should be able to withstand one of the partners being pulled in another direction temporarily to manage family illness. I think maybe my mom's illness had little to do with what he did. Something in him was wrong.

>I don't know how I could have done anything other than what I did.

You COULDN'T do anything else, honey.

All of this mess is on HIM...this whole thing is about him and not you.

You shouldn't have regrets because you did NOTHING wrong.

WH approaching 50 or past their 50s are just horny dogs in my opinion. They go thru andropause (the equivalent of female menopause), they start having erectile problems and believe that their wives are the cause. Then they are faced with having to deal with death either of a parent or of a friend or like in LLL of a family member (LLL mom getting sick and passing away).
These events remind WH of his own imminent death. On top of that, there always seems to be a damsel in distress appearing in the picture who seems to sense WH sexually related insecurities and fear of death. The damsel being younger and new is able to erase, for a while, the fear of death and to revive the WH sexual organ.
In the process WH loses all his otherwise very develop rationality and turns into a horny teenager whose thinking begins and ends below the belt.
This sound simplistic, but I am seeing a pattern here that covers the most uneducated of the WH to the college Ph.Ds. So there must be some truth to this.
The BS who has the ability and the financial stability to pull away from these WH is doing the right thing and it is saving herself a lot of grief as there is no reasoning and WH might very well be into this pattern for the rest of their lives.
blessing

Atena,

Wow, good observation, and I believe that you are totally right on. At least it applies in my case too!

Atena,

I think that you may have something there. My WS attitude shifted significantly after his elder brother had a mild heart attack and was hospitalised.

Shortly after that, they decided to sell the family home. Those things along with a very stressful job, I think were too much for WS to cope with and he consequently went into depression and then off the deep end.

Atena is totally right on about WHs at that age.

I will point out though that to make excuses for them is being co-dependant and not healthy.
This is where MB's kind but firm approach is key.

As long as we see the environment that triggered the fall from grace and are still open to possible rebuilding of the marriage.....we can be strong but not enable. YK?

Atena
I think you are right on target, although I sometimes think this happens to our WHs before age 50.

LLL, don't think I've posted to your thread, but you are very admirable. I see alot of myself in you. ((((LLL))))

I agree, too, I have seen my Viagra poppping contemporaries go off the deep end in their 50's. Heck , with Viagra and such, there would seem to be no need to find arousal through younger/different women. But, these nutbags do it.
You can see the same thing with women in their late 30's early 40's. Their estrogen gets lower, testosterone takes a bigger role, and they chase young guys. So many cougars out there these days, it is amazing.

This is so true I think. Fear of death and the many forms impotance takes for men.
Good call atena

I understand that is WS's full responsibility to choose an A no matter what is going on in their life and with hormones. There are alternatives but they pick what their pr*ck suggests.
blessing

Atena, lots of truth in what you wrote. I have some differing thoughts about your last sentence.

"The BS who has the ability and the financial stability to pull away from these WH is doing the right thing and it is saving herself a lot of grief as there is no reasoning and WH might very well be into this pattern for the rest of their lives."

If I believed that there is no way I would have stayed with my H. Plus I have met some really great people here who also were the WS at some point, bur have earned the (F)WS. Also, I've seen plenty of BHs who have gone through as much he!! with their WWs.

Also, my H's vulnerability wasn't the sexual aspect as much as the emotional aspect of his A. It's a stereotype to think for every man the A is totally about the sex. Just like the assumption that the BW isn't as affected by the sex but the emotional component of the A. In my case all the lovey dovey stuff was laughable to me, but I had an awful time getting over the fact that he had sex with the "B".

Yes lots of FWS are not like many WS on this forum.
My H kept telling me during his first A that it was not about the sex but the emotional part. Then after the first A ended he said that the sex was the biggest component and also the fact that he could talk about light silly stuff with OW or even deep stuff but that she will not judge him. He added that he understood that there was no emotional baggage with her or past. Therefore it was easy to be relaxed.
This second A is conducted with a woman who does not speak English and my H does not do very well in her native language but manages. Thru the whole part of the A when A was still secretive and H was living with me, he would meet OW for sex down the basement, at her place or at the beach in hidden areas.
I am sorry, but I have to say that in my H's case the sex and the thrill of the secrecy and sneaking play a very exciting part.
Now, he left me for this non english speaking OW, so maybe I am missing the emotional component, maybe I do not understand what "emotional" means and if it is something you do not need to use words for...just a feeling.
blessing

I think a lot of WH's around this age are into internet porn and lots of us are clueless about that.

It objectifies women and creates fantasies that spouses aren't privy to and the WH's find it less embarassing to explore with the OW. There isn't the investment initially in the relationship but the emotional connection gets stronger as they get to know each other in fantasy land and they have a mixed up sexual fantasy/emotional relationship that is super difficult to let go of.

It isn't a better relationship. In fact it damages both WH and OW more than they began. It is like heroin addicts going down to hit bottom.

It is sad that we Betrayed ones have little control other than implementing MB plans. They are the most powerful plans for dealing with it though and so there is hope.

Ain't that the truth!

Livin' it, right here!

No offense taken . And I did not intend to marginalize the decision making of childless BS's - I was trying to say that for me it would make the decision process much easier. I did not mean to imply that my decision would be right for others. Sorry if that's how I came across.

AGG

So true Pep. Your Cat is telling you this huh?