No, not at all. I am still to blame for her arrest. She doesn't get that in order for the police to arrest a husband, there has to be overwhelming proof and she doesn't see that. It's only been about a week, so with time and if she can get it dismissed, maybe she'll calm down. She has calmed down some, not acting crazy ALL of the time now. She is traveling today and then next week Sunday-Thursday, so I wont see much of her for a while. Right now plan-B would be the way to go, but until I can land a job, that's tough to do. It's only been 6 weeks since this all started, but a life time of crap has happenend.

Do you have any input into that situation? If you do, I suggest you don't lie or attempt to minimize what happened in order to have it dismissed. Your WW will use that as "proof" that that you ARE to blame for what happened; that your guilty conscience over what you did is driving you to help her now.

This arrest is not an "Ace in the hole" for anyone. If they get divorced, it will be treated as a seperate issue, and as Mr. W pointed out, her atty will do everything he/she can to make it look like Pat was in the wrong, somehow.

A good frined of mine had a gun heald to her head by her XH (then H) for over 8 hours. She fell asleap and the next morning had to get dressed and go to work like NOTHING was wrong. SHe went straight to the police station. He was arrested and processed.

In her divorce, the assult was not considered. <Ya, even waving around a firearm!>
She wound up paying him alimony for 5 years. (He COULD have gotten longer and more). She did get a lot of support and her atty gave her a huge discounted divorce, but the judge was not allowed to "consider" the charge. Well, officially anyway.

But the positive thing is she did the right thing right away. NOT that Pat should take this course of action if he does not want to. Listen to my advice, <just read it, consider it then filter it out, keep what you need.>
My point is, DVC does not assure anything.

But maybe it is different where you live.

I believe that this issue is out of Pats hands. He may be asked to write a letter to the judge- if the prosecutor does not want to persue this -
but other than that- the report is the report.

If Pat does say anything (in a letter) he can be supportive of his marriage and family without changing any fact of what happened.

That is exactly what the attorney wants. I told him what happened and they are seeking a dismissal. All of the attorneys we spoke with feel this will happen, but there is no gurantee. This is one of the toughest counties in the country when it comes to Dom. Violence. They told me if it were in Travis County (Austin) they would have done nothing. We'll see what happens. She will have to act contrite and take responsibility for what happened though. When she meets the DA, she is going to have to be convincing, even if she doesn't really believe it if she wants a dismissal. The last two nights she was home were a little heated. She kept wakeing me up to talk about all this. It's just rehashing which is pointless. At this point I think it would be easier to figure out Einstiens theory of relativity than know what she wants. It changes every day. One day she loves me, the next hate. One day divorce, the next day no. One day see other people if you want, the next questioning my every move. Right now as I've said my focus is on work and caring for the kids. As for the rst, time will tell, but my patience for the drama is wearing very thin.

Do you feel that she will seek to seperate based on how embarressed she is with the night in lockup and court?
In other words she will leave because if she does it implies there are problems at home that arent her fault. That she was just acting out of defense for herself and that the law was "fooled" into charging her.

It would be a pride issue of course IMO

If you are still willing to write your letter, it can be (don't vomit) a character refrence. You do not have to deny or support the facts (leave that to the police report), but you are going to have to state what you want to have happen to the judge.

She will get letters sent on her behalf to the judge also (from other people).
You must understand that she is way foggy. SHE does not think she is a violent person, or a bad person for that matter. She probably thinks she has been a good wife, no?

(like I said don't vomit)
If her job is sensative, she can have the file sealed, and the charges taken "under --ohh, shooze I forgot the word. advisement, that's it.

That means that if she does the probation/DV counsceling and shows improvement she will get the record expunged. Expect about 12 months of meetings and HELL when she comes home from one.

by the way-- the arrest record will always be there, nmw.

Then the fun starts. If this happens, I can give you more info. Hope it gets dropped, and your WW goes for serious IC and medications for ANXIETY and depression.
Real MC will not happen until these other issues are addressed.

It will take MONTHS before she is even close to ready.

I already turned in a letter so now we wait. Yes Barbie, she does think she was a good wife. It's all my fault, blah blah blah. She did have something of a breakthrough the other night when she told me the affair was some sort of payback for how bad I made her feel. I guess that's at least an acknowledgement (sort of) that it was wrong. Baby steps, baby steps. Someone else asked if she was planning on leaving after this, to be honest I don't think so, but I really don't know where her mind is at now. She hates me for jail, no getting around that. As for "us" I don't know. I know she is scared of going alone but she is also not sure if she can regain the feelings she once had for me. Right now there are moments of "like" but more moments of hate for jail and exposure. Oh well, this to shall pass.

Well, maybe it will pass, maybe not. The one thing for sure, your WW needs IC and probably meds to stop the constant triggering the emotional trauma provides- (that goes for a lot of BS, too).

Humiliation is a powerful weapon people use -- against themselves. Until she can clearly see the reasons, and her part, for the A and the argument that lead up to the arrest--there is no point going- yet, to MC. She has to accept that people make BIG errors, everyone has a melt down point, (just like eveyone is wired for A's) it is just the form/type the melt down takes that needs to be addressed.

Some people internalize pain and blame themselves, many examles here in some situations, some act out, MANY examples here, too. Both types of agression are unhealthy and need to be helped.

Just completely disregard her anger and hatred re the jail. If she senses you are taking any responsibility for it, she will use it , forever, as justification for her cheating.
You really need to have a reaction of incredulity if she tries to assign any blame to you for her getting arrested. Look at her in a bewildered manner, like "what on earth are you talking about."

Well, just had ugly talk number 1,000. She came back from Dallas this morning and of course I had to ask if she saw OM. Well that was it. Telling me no, I told you it's over and besides it's none of your business. I said last I checked we were still married which makes it mine. Her response is I hate you for ruining my relationship with my family. I hate you for jail, I hate what you've done to my job. Then I get my priorities are the kids and my job....that's it. So I said I understand that you hate me, I expected that. My priorities are finding work and the kids and the rest will take care of itself. Then, I get "what does that mean, are you getting a divorce"? Am I missing something here? She called while I was typing and she is calmer, but the same stuff. I said look, lets work on what we can. You getting your case dismissed and me finding work. The rest is day to day and all other talk is hyperthetical. Deal with the problems at hand and the rest will work itself out. Then I get are you going to do anymore crazy (expose). Nope, I'm all done. Then she asks what if we get a divorce, are you going to try and take the kids? I said I am concerning myself with the here and now. I am not filing, so let's just move along. I have never felt so drained in all my life. I read some of the stories how people do this for months or years and I cannot imagine.

patriot,

I am waiting for you to finally look her in the eye and say something along the lines of

"Now look. You had the affair and everything that has happened is a consequence of that affair. You can try to blame me, but I REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT. Your actions caused the problems you, your decisions caused the problems you have. It is time to grow up and realize your choices have consequences and what has happened are the consequences of YOUR CHOICES."

And then walk away.

She cannot blame you if you refuse to accept her blame and tell her so.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Pat: No one can do this forever. I took about 5 months of abuse before I threw in the towel. But my situation was not yours - I don't think I would have lasted more than a few months under your conditions.

The best you can do is make a good Plan A, prepare for Plan B (job, finances, etc.) and keep pushing forward.

There is an end to all this, one way or the other. But if you really want to do your part to save the marriage, you have to make sure you go to Plan B before your love bank is completely depleted, otherwise there will be nothing to sustain your for the many months (years) that a Plan B can take.

Best of luck.

Trust me I have told her she shares in the blame but she'll have none of it. Yesterday she came back from Dallas because her flights had been cancelled she had to spend the night. She told me she was staying at the airport hotel when in fact she was staying at a hotel she use to meet him at. When I asked her about it she swore up and down she did not see or speak to him. She told me it was none of my buisness and stop checking on her. She said the best she can do for me right now is not to hate you and try and get along for the kids. Then I get YOU need to fix this. You had me a arrested and YOU ruined my family relationship. I said YOU had the affair and YOU fianantially bankrupted us. For every action there is a reaction. Then I get you had no right to go outside of us and tell people and I said you had no right to have an affair and bring it into our lives. You had choices and you chose badly. I even remained very calm. I said there is not a lot of like between us right now, lets drop the us talk and work on what we can right now. Let's try and get along and go from there. Nothing can be fixed today and talking about it all the time does no good, so lets give it a rest. That seemed to calm things for a while. We'll see what today brings.

Pat,

I am very impressed with how you are handling this now. At first it seems you were her doormat, now you are taking control.

She is lost, this is a side of you she is not use to it seems. She keeps trying to get you with her blameshifting gun fully loaded. Once she has emptied it she sees her bullets missed the whole target and you still have bullets ready in your reverse babble gun and are as calm as Clint Eastwood about to make a kill. Are you sure she didn't see OM in Dallas?

I am very impressed.

"She told me she was staying at the airport hotel when in fact she was staying at a hotel she use to meet him at."

This shows why you must still snoop. She's stil lying.

You are handling yourself well.

More of an "in-your-face-you-can't-control-me-push-your-buttons" kind of a statement choice on her part.

Plan B Patriot. Prep for Plan D.

ITA Kayla.......an utter sign of DISRESPECT if you ask me....(which you didn't..... )

Pat,

I have refrained from commmenting on your thread because it is exasperating to me. This cycle of crazy-making has been going on ad-nausium.

She cannot MAKE you responsible.....just like you cannot MAKE her end her affair. Yes, you can do everything in your power to make it uncomfortable (which I commend you for doing), but ultimately it comes to her.

I still stand by my suspicions that the whole blow-up scene at the hotel between her and OM was more on her end than his......after what she has pulled with YOU, I have no doubts that security had more words for HER than him. I also wouldn't be surprised if this affair is completely OVER. And I would venture to guess that HE is the one wanting NOTHING MORE to do with your wife. After the hotel incident and now her getting arrested (make no bones about it that he knows what happened only he was told it was YOU who caused it.....but after the hotel incident, he can't deny that he suspects she is lying to him.....).

And yes, she is behaving like a 2 yr. old who had her pacifier taken away for good. Do what JL said.....when she starts with the stupidness, just calmly state...."I will not take blame for this....." and WALK AWAY.

And I'm sorry, but just because you don't have a job yet, does NOT mean you can't do a Plan B. We have had MANY MANY MANY stay-at-home-moms on here go into Plan B and do it well. Yes, you may end up having to file in order to secure financial security, but it CAN BE DONE. Using the "no job" line is a conflict-avoiding.

You say you are tired and weary of the drame, well, YOU can change that....IF you really want to.....take it from me, a BTDT girl....

not2fun

100%, no. She swore on the life of her kids that she did not see him....who knows for sure. She said she didn't tell me she was staying there because she knew it would upset me. Well let me see, he lives 10 minutes from the hotel, so ya, maybe I would be a little suspicious. Again, I don't get the impression she is seeing him but I am not with her all the time. She also put a block on inquiries if you call her hotel, so when I called to see if she was there, they said no. What's real strange is the conflicting message I constantly receive. Like I've said, one minute stay out of my life, the next she wants to know my every move and checks up on me. When I'm out I get texts every 10 minutes. When she's away, I get them all the time. I've stopped responding to every trivial message which makes her think I'm up to something. I don't know what she thinks I'm doing because I'm the only one who has delivered a clear and concistent message through all this. I am done with the exposure or any other pressures. If she gets back with him, so be it, I just move on. I think Barbie said it best that right now there is no marriage, so counceling or any talk about reconciling things is a mute point. Just getting along and moving forward is most important.

ummmm....you will find that on pg. 123 of the "How to Successfully Be a Wayward" manual......in the chapter..."How to Bullchit your Spouse"



I could care less what WW is doing, what are YOU doing to end this cycle?

not2fun