I've been married 22 years, husband had an affair for 4 months starting in Aug/09. he says he has stopped but they work together and I have no way of checking his comp or his phone.....both are company related with passwords and info off limits to me......
I have since I found out tried to be understanding as to how he could have gotten to that point and I have accepted my fault in the marriage breakdown.
He says he doesn't know how he feels about me, he says he loves me but not in love with me.....he tells me he has feelings for the OW as well.
I asked him to use this opportunity to work on us and he has been here every night, but distant and not able to even touch me......
I have been trying to assure him since Nov/09 with what you call Plan A......it has not seemed to have made any difference as of yet...
I think I need someone to walk me through what the steps are for Plan B, I think it's time for a big jolt for him and if he truly wants the OW then he can go, I cannot take all this rejection any longer, I'm willing to forgive and work on our relationship but I can't do it alone.....
I'm willing to gamble and see what happens, he isn't mine now anyway and from what I can see I might not ever be again....
It makes me sad but I see no alternative.....

have you read about plan A here on MB?
What are you doing as plan A? For how long?
blessing

hi atena,
I have been doing Plan A since I found out about hubby's affair, Nov/09, trying to be understanding, looking good, smelling good, cooking great meals.....asking him about his day, problems, complimenting him when he does something worth noticing....just trying to make the homelife the soft place to be, I think I have succeeded in that he is always home, we don't fight, we have even had sex a number of times......we are sleeping in the same bed at night.....but the last 10 days or so he has been pushing me away, I've been understanding and I told him I will not pressure him and just leave any contact up to him, he has the physical part of our relationship confuses him, he said when I found out about the affair that he didn't love me and he still maintains that he doesn't love me enough to committ to me.....and that he doesn't know how he feels about the other woman....
those 3 things make me think that maybe he can't get back to me even though I know a big part of him wants to. We have been together for 26 years....
I just don't know what Plan B actual is or what the rules are.....

Welcome to MB. Sorry you're here but it's the best place to come for help.

You will soon hear this from others as well, but first of all your WH CANNOT continue to work with OW. There is no way around this. You can Plan A till the cows come home but as long has he sees her everyday and has contact, it will not work. It sounds like he is acting like a typical wayward. They all follow a pretty close script.

I'm popping in to offer my two cents because I was in the same place as you about 1.5 yrs ago. My STBXWH and OW still work together. He refused to leave and her BH obviously didn't push her too hard to leave as she is still there. They didn't split up. Our M will end in D.

Please give some more info about your situation.

1. how long married
2. kids and ages
3. is OW married
4. have you exposed the affair

Oh I see you've been married 22 years. Please understand that your WH is typical. You must think of him as being under the influence and not able to think like a rational human being. He is addicted to how this OW makes him feel. And believe me she has laid it on thick and have no doubt that she continues to do so.

You must put an end to this fantasy by exposing the A. I don't know how much on this site you've read but there are steps and that is pretty much #1.

There are some great people here who have been helping people like us for a long time. It's the weekend so it's a bit slow but they will be along soon to offer more advice.

hi verysadtime,
thanks for responding, I have been married for 22years, together for 26....
I have 2 grown sons, both in university and doing well, they are 22 and 20
the OW was married, but now has left her husband and is getting her own place soon....
the affair is exposed I didn't have to the OW's husband took care of that.
My husband is a lawyer and she is one of his law clerks, she is 10 years younger than him.......we are 53years old....
He claims he wan't in love with me when he decided to get involved with the OW and that she has nothing to do with his decisions now...
I can't see any other choice, he has said to me if he really wanted to go he would be gone already, he thinks that just being here is enough.....that's how we were before which obviously didn't work..........

pepperband,
what about Plan B, I think I'm at this point now,
Not sure what the plan should be but I know I cannot take all this rejection any longer......I dont' want it to end, but he doesn't seem to want it to continue.....
what else can I do

Acronyms & abbreviations

This will help you a lot as people respond to you.

Info for newly betrayed

This will help as well.

You're in great hands with Pepper!!

Best of luck to you!

Even Dr. Harley says that once they move out chances of getting them back or the M repaired are slim.
Wait for plan B. Expose first!
I am in plan b and chances of h coming back are close to zero.
Expose first.
blessing

hey pepperband,
Yes I told my sons the whole story, my friends know the whole story and his friends know we are splitting and they know that he has a girlfriend, his family knows we are splitting and some know there is someone else.
Yes his partners know about the affair and that we are splitting...
People know because the other woman's husband has been telling his story....
I don't think he has actually told anyone himself.....and he is ticked that people know...I don't think he really cares at this point.....
I think he felt bad in the beginning but I think it has passed, he honestly thinks that because he said he didn't love me that this was enough reason to have an affair, and that in his mind it was okay.....

pepperband,
I don't want to break up my marriage, but he works with the ow with no chance of her being out of his life, even though he claims they are no longer seeing each other..it is tough to watch him go to work everyday, wondering, all his communication is attached to his office so access for me to check.
I'm a very confident person who can take a lot, but the rejection is really getting to me.......I don't know what to do at this point.....

I haven't read any of the MB books as of yet, which ones would you suggest.

I couldn't open that link but the book is surviving an affair? I'm going to pick it up and hopefully I'll get a little more insight on Plan B, my hubby is still living in the house can you still do Plan B?