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My w admitted to me that he used protection. Nope. They never do.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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My w admitted to me that he used protection. Nope. They never do. I'm afraid that Chrisner is right...
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Make that never EVER. 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I guess one thing is. I am sure there is more to the story of this affair. Do I pry for all the details or drop it? I love my wife but I have trouble trusting her. It's hard because we have been married for 20years.
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When you start recovery, it is essential to gain each others trust. You and her will need to share every deed before and during marriage.
This honesty will help your present distrusting situation. Both of you will need to learn to reward each other for sharing truths. The path of marriage has many a winding track.
Please keep reading the articles and lurk on other posts.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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KB, I am sure there is more to the story of this affair. Do I pry for all the details or drop it? I love my wife but I have trouble trusting her. It's hard because we have been married for 20years. It's normal not to trust your W at this point. And quite honestly, you would be a fool to do so. That trust has to be earned all over again by you w and she will have to do the heavy lifting in regards to that. Dr H states that we should never completely trust our S as we are all wired to have an A. All marriages become vunerable at on time or another. EN's not being met, depression, unhappiness in the direction the M is taking and so on. The thrill of an A can actually lift one out of that and make them feel alive again. The resulting pain and destuction of such a choice never seems to be dealt with until the aftermath. So sad. Stay vigilant regarding your WW's behavior as it is far too soon for her to completely defog yet. Follow up on the STD's and be watchful of your own body. The most likely time frame for HPV and HSV(herpes) is anywhere from 3 months to 2 years after initial exposure to an infected person. Has your WW also been tested? If so, demand to see the written results, she owes it to you. BTW, others are right, the never use protection. This is very likely a lie from your WW. All Blessings, Jerry
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I guess one thing is. I am sure there is more to the story of this affair. Do I pry for all the details or drop it? I love my wife but I have trouble trusting her. It's hard because we have been married for 20years. This is a classic letter ... applicable when your adulterous spouse is not willing to disclose the details of the affair ... but wants to recover the marriage ...
Here ya go!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"To Whomever,
"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.
"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.
"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.
"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."
(end of Joseph's Letter)
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Just sending an update. We have an an appointment to get counseling. We are working on it. She keeps on crying and saying she never meant to hurt me every now and then. Also she seems to be worried that this friend of his will tell me something I won't like.
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"Also she seems to be worried that this friend of his will tell me something I won't like."
Ask her what can this friend tell you.
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I did but she he is an a-hole and not to believe him. I am going to ask again in counseling.
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I did but she he is an a-hole and not to believe him. I am going to ask again in counseling.
You should not have expectations that she will tell the whole story in counseling.
They seldom do.
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She keeps on crying and saying she never meant to hurt me every now and then. Just remember that this line is not an apology at all. It�s saying that hurting you was an undesired however ultimately acceptable collateral damage to her attack on your marriage. Apologies start, � I am so sorry for what I did��..
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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My wife had an affair. So as any normal human being I am angry about it. Couple of days ago I was alone at home I punched a door and now she says she is afraid of me because of that and my mood. I have to take my anger out somehow. So now I am work and my wife called today and she calls and tells me she is staying at friends house. Mostly about the door. I have question her her because she was gone for a few to be by herself. I feel in my gut she is still seeing or talking to the other guy. She swears up and down that she is not. I told her no contact what so ever and she had agreed. There is no proof. She says she will come back afte my therapy session in 2 days. What is your opinions?
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Well, unless you have been physically violent with her in the past, it sounds like an excuse to me. You have every right to be angry, what betrayed spouse doesn't? You showed wisdom in acting out on the anger when you were home alone, yet it sounds like she's using that as a convenient excuse to get out of the house.
Go with your gut and investigate!!! Do you have access to her phone?
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Control your temper, or she will use it to have you put out of your house.
Read the concepts on this site and start to do the work.
Plan A.
Have you exposed the affair? If not, you need to do that, especially to the OM's wife/girlfriend. Do NOT warn her that you are going to expose; just do it.
Put a keylogger on your computer. Check your phone bill online. Hide a voice-activated recorder in her car and around the house.
Others will be along to help you. First, though, you need to learn the MB concepts.
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Kingblue,
You have every right to be angry. Like another poster said, unless you have been physically abusive of her in the past, she is using this as an excuse. Do you know who the OM is? If so, you might want to just take a drive by his place to see if he is the "friend" she is staying with.
Another thing, get yourself a digital recorder and carry it with you always, but you don't have to tell your wife. Record your conversations with her in the event that she tries to lie and get you thrown out of the house for "being abusive". You may think it can't happen to you, but its happened to multiple people on this board. One poster named Patriot45 listened to the advice and got the recorder. Because he did, his wife went to jail for the night instead of him being kicked out of the house. Not even days after he heard it here, she filed false police charges to get him kicked out. Instead she was dragged away crying by the officers she called.
First order of business is to protect yourself, then snoop and work the plans.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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Carry a digital voice recorder and have it handy when you talk with your WW. She may make false claims of violence against you down the road.
FWIW, I did the same thing when I first found out. Really out of character for me, but it happened. I think it is a reasonable reaction to finding out the person promised to care for you the most has betrayed you.
Start snooping- check phone records, computer useage, ect. It may hurt but you have to know. You need to remain calm and investigate the situation so you know what you are dealing with. Then you need to decide what you want to do for the future. Do you want to save the marriage? If so, I believe this MB program offerst the best chance of that.
Read up on this site. Understand Plan A completely and come up with your plan. Don't take actions without a solid plan.
By the way, I am sorry you are here, but you are in the right place.
-SOL
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Yes I have submitted to this forum before about this. No I have never touched her or hurt her. We both are in therapy and she says that this is her mess and she has to clean it up. Not sure what she means by that.
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She swears up and down that she is not. I told her no contact what so ever and she had agreed. There is no proof. She says she will come back afte my therapy session in 2 days. What is your opinions? My opinion is that she is using your anger to justify catting around for a couple of days. You shouldn't have done it, but you have handed a dangerous wayward a loaded gun to use against you. You are lucky she didn't have you thrown in jail and get a restraining order. Many waywards would use this opportunity to do that very thing.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes I have submitted to this forum before about this. No I have never touched her or hurt her. We both are in therapy and she says that this is her mess and she has to clean it up. Not sure what she means by that. How much of the basic concepts have you read? If you don't say all of them, you are not educating yourself. This forum does not work if you don't get the knowledge to understand the advice you are being given, period. I have no idea if the therapist you are seeing is competent or not. Many are NOT! Many are. It just depends. Read the section on selecting a counselor for validation. Larry
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