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For an instructor to have A is the same as a teacher. Other men out there are going to want to know if another man they're daughter/wife is with as a teacher is an adulterous person. They deserve to know.
Would you want your W with a known pastor/doctor that has had an A? You would be thankful you found out and could protect your family by being away from them.
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My guess is that upon exposure to friends and professional associates of scumbag, he will terminate the affair immediately.
Larry
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My guess is that upon exposure to friends and professional associates of scumbag, he will terminate the affair immediately.
Larry I second this. And his wife NEEDS to know so she can protect herself from him (if she chooses).
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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I will wait for her to give me that chance. And this sounds good, but is simply not the truth...you will not wait with the situation as it stands for an interminable amount of time, and this is where you give her false hope and help the A to continue. In a very clear and understanding, and concise, tone of voice, you tell her you love her, but will not wait for her forever. While she continues her A you are losing love for her. You know the M will be better when she returns because you have been learning about mistakes you have made and are working on it. But a return to the M will mean NC with the OM whatsoever, which will mean quitting his studio, moving her animals (you will move them, not her), returning all phones, and if need be, quitting the karate hobby. She can pick up other hobbies you can both enjoy. You can explain to her that she will NEVER be happy in her M as long as she is in contact with the OM. It's like trying to quit smoking but still having a cigarette a day... I agree, an email to the browns and blacks and leaders at the dojo. Any family of OM you can inform? And please tell the children...you know she has been telling them things...
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!
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I am not at all sure you should go into your own flaws as a human being. This simply gives her ammunition to justify her affair and that is the last thing you want to do.
No matter that you have not been perfect in the past, that is no excuse for what she did.
If you feel you need to change yourself given your new knowledge, then great. So do. If and when she the two of you are in contact again, she will notice.
Keep it simple. She won't understand anything complicated.
First, stop the affair. This means an exposure blast miles wide and miles deep.
Larry
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I'm sitting in my FiL's office waiting for him and the older BiL to return from lunch. While sitting here, I'm harvesting OM's FB friends. Should I include those that appear to be children? How young is too young for the exposure?
I'm not a complete idiot. There are parts missing.
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Should I include those that appear to be children? How young is too young for the exposure?
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Stop delaying, expose everyone now.
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[The Plan B Letter for the aborted Plan B]
My Dearest WW,
This is a difficult letter for me to write, one I have been mentally working on for weeks now. I have written this letter with the true love only a husband can have for a wife. Please read every word I have written, it is from the heart.
I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OM possible. I foolishly pursued my job AND my hobbies thinking I was doing the right thing for us and our family, without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I just assumed you would simply follow along and be okay with it. I neglected your needs and failed to give you the attention that you deserved and needed so many times. I was selfishly and foolishly caught up in myself. You were always there for me when I needed you. There were so many times you needed me and I was not there for you. You will never know how much I regret that. I was wrong, very wrong, and I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for all the pain I have caused you. Although I've ALWAYS loved you with my heart and soul, I made you feel that EVERYTHING was more important to me than you. It never was the case, but that is how I made you feel and, for that, WW, I am sorry.
I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship or how to meet your needs. I can�t sit here and say that I now know all that I need to know about relationships, but I can, however, honestly say that I have learned a lot about honoring, cherishing, and companionship. I want to learn even more about how to be a supportive and loving man. The type of man that I hope you would be proud to call your husband; the same pride I felt so many times when I called you my wife. I�ve worked very hard these past 20 months to correct my shortcomings, not only for you, but for me and our three children, as well. I wanted to be a better husband, a better father, but most importantly, a better person. You know I have changed. You said you have noticed the changes in me. I am making them permanent and improving myself and my life. I make mistakes every day, but every day I strive to be the best person I can be.
I regret that we find ourselves in this place that is lonely and confusing for both of us. You have chosen to spend time with another married man. I do not condone it, or like it, but have no choice. You are the only person who can make choices for you and I will respect your decision. I hope that you will be happy in whatever you choose and that you find peace. You are my friend, my lover, the mother of my children and my wife. I only want true happiness for you and do not wish any harm or ill to you.
I want to be your husband, in every sense of the word. I want to hold you, talk with you, laugh and cry with you, comfort you, share the joy of raising a family with you. I want to grow old with you. As much as I want this, you have made it clear that you don't, and, as long as you feel this way, I cannot be a part of your life except as the father of our children. It is simply too painful. I cannot continue to have you rely on me like a husband when you have a problem or need help with something. It makes me feel uncomfortable and used.
I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. One in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. But I cannot do this while your affair with OM continues. We can only rebuild our marriage � together - when you completely end your relationship with OM. I have waited patiently for it to end. The past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I experience on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving grace is my love for you and the thoughts of us being together and happy again someday. Unfortunately, I feel that my love for you is slipping away.
In order to preserve the love I have for you, I have come to a decision on my own. I must remove you from my daily life. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. To this end, I feel it is best that you find another place to stay, while I stay in our home and continue to be the primary care provider for our children. I do not wish for your bond with the children to suffer and I will be as flexible as possible with visitation of the children, but I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. If you need to communicate with me regarding the children or any other matter, it should be handled through a friend or relative of your choice. Of course, if you have any emergency matters, you can always call or email me at any time. Due to my job circumstances, when I am travelling out of town, I would request that you care for the kids, using our home, but that you leave upon my return to town. If that is not possible, I will make other arrangements for the care of our children in my absence.
This is a safeguard of my love so that, if there should come a time when we can both commit to working on rebuilding our marriage, there is still love and hope left with which to do that. The current situation is becoming extremely stressful and hurtful for me. This is not an ultimatum or a threat, it is simply *no contact*. I know that I risk losing you forever, but I cannot continue to see you without putting pressure on you to make a decision.
WW, I do not know what the future hold for us - that is in God�s hands. I know that I want to grow old with you. When I said, �I Do,� I made a promise in front of God, you and our families for life. Through better or worse, I want us to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each others� needs and avoid hurting each other. I want everything that we do to make us both happy so that there will be no need for us to separate again. I want to be your husband, your friend, and your lover. I loved you more than life itself while we were together and I continue to do so as I write this. As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OM, demonstrate it in a credible way, and are willing to follow measures to ensure total and permanent separation, then we can talk about our future together.
I hope with all my heart and soul that you will come back to me one day. Please make OM aware that I am your husband and that I want to work on our marriage. Please be honest with yourself, with me and him. I can commit to a marriage based on honesty, openness and mutual respect and care for the other's well-being. I can commit to marriage with you on those terms - I cannot commit to a marriage on terms other than those.
I love you, WW; you will always be very special to me. I look back through our life and I choose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too. I hope that we can work it out and be the best of friends. I hope with all of my heart that we can both put aside our harsh feelings and frustrations and see the good, and see the hope.
I just cannot bear to be with you or see you while you are still involved with OM and give your love and emotional connection to someone else. I�ve loved you since you came back into my life after high school, I loved you when we married, and I continue to love you today; perhaps even more than I ever did before.
We were best friends once. I cannot imagine who I would rather spend my life with than my best friend.
Your loving husband,
BS
OM; I love my wife WW with all my heart and soul and will do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance. This cannot go like this. It should not be more than 4 paragraphs, The letter should be short and sweet. Can I ask why you write such long letters and posts? More is not better and people never get the point.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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gn, I have been in marketing for 20 years for Fortune 500 companies and you are committing a common marketing sin called VISUAL POLLUTION. The picture is so polluted with superfluous and unnecessary garbage that no one can see the picture. More is not better. You add information that is completely unnessary and irrelevant to the point. And remember your audience here: a detached, uninterested WAYWARD. If you want her to get the point, you need to cut to the chase and be clear and concise. Try doing a letter that is closer to this: Dearest WW, It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of us, our friendship, our marriage. This letter is written to you as a necessity. Allow me to explain. The eight years that we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears and laughs. I have loved you every minute of every day that we have spent together. I realize that I have not been a perfect husband to you. I see now that both my attitude and financial irresponsibility drove a wedge into our marriage. I apologize to you. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me. The pain that your relationship with OM3 and the relationships that you have had during our marriage has been unimaginable. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don't want that to happen. It is because of this that I must insist that we no longer contact each other, until you are no longer involved with OM3 or anyone else. I ask that you respect my decision. In the event of an emergency, or any necessary financial matters, please contact your mom, and she will contact me. Once you have ended your relationship with OM3 completely, please contact me, and I will be willing to discuss restoring our friendship and marriage. I am committed to our marriage. I believe that we can build a marriage that is stronger and more beautiful than we have experienced. Beginning today, I walk forward in life, and I want you to walk with me. I love you with all of my heart. Your loving husband, Ethan here
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sign seen in an A.A. meeting room:
BREVITY is NOT a character defect!
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Can I ask why you write such long letters and posts? More is not better and people never get the point. I can relate to the long endless words, I too have a tough time editing to the important parts of my post. I love how others can make their point in a sentance or 2. grinlos- If you feel like you need to write so much then let that be your first draft For your eyes only. I like what you were able to do in terms of condesing your original post. Perhaps you need to write your first draft and then set a limit on the number or words you can use and edit out. I really would like to read your letter and give you feedback but honestly I am exhausted from having to read at the first 2 para's. Then I scroll down and see how much remains and I skip over.
FBW(me)- 45
FWH- 53
D-day 4/29/08
Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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If you still have access to the letter, please get it from WW. You don't want her using your words against you later. Once you have it, destroy it.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Exposed to the following this afternoon - FiL, BiL-older, BiL-younger, SiL, BiL-younger's wife, DD18...and OMW...
What I said:
I want to let you know that I'm fighting for my marriage. I do not want it to end. WW had an affair and I believe is still having an affair. I can't make you do or say anything, but that I would ask that you support our marriage.
Comments I received:
FiL - WW did not tell him the full truth about her relationship with OM. He does not want us our marriage to end.
BiL-older - said he was happy that I was fighting for my marriage.
BiL-younger - said he and FiL had spoken to wife that she needed to end all other relationships and work on rebuilding the marriage. That he supports my desire to fight for my marriage, but that he believes that my approach to telling everyone about the affair is not the right one and that I should just let things calm down.
BiL-younger's wife - (most interesting response) said on the phone that "You're crazy and need help, dude." Then we held a text conversation that boils down to her believing WW that an affair did not happen, that I need to stop embarrassing WW by airing our dirty laundry and that I should not pull them into our business.
SiL - said she has worried about WW for a while and that she would help me with the kids, however she could. She recommended we get MC, but knows that may be unlikely with how WW is now. I said that MC would not work until the A was over. She agreed.
DD18 - was not as shocked as I thought she would be
OMW - Well...this was interesting...I told her my news, she sighed and then we started discussing things and giving me info. OM had another A 17 years ago with another woman in karate. That A ended when OM's gf didn't want to deal with his daugthers (2 and 3, at that time) because she'd already had her kids and they were older. OMW and OM reconciled with an agreement that if he ever decided to go off with someone else again, that they would get a divorce. OMW knew that they'd been spending a lot of time together over the past few years, but did not have suspicions. She's agreed to work with me to gather more facts. She did ask that I know nuclear blast to the karate association yet, until we had more. When the past A had occurred, people in karate knew, but hadn't told her then and she did not find any support from them. Another tidbit - OM's been impotent for 3 years and he and OMW have not had SF in at least that time. Based on the pictures, she agrees that something besides close friendship is going on.
I'm not a complete idiot. There are parts missing.
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Oh...and while I was exposing to FiL, BiL-older and BiL-younger, the WW called the shop to talk to FiL. He told her that I was there, so she asked to speak with me.
"What are you doing?"
"I am here telling your family that I am fighting for my marriage and that I would appreciate their support."
"They are not going to support you. They are going to agree with whatever decision I choose to make. You going behind my back and talking with my family just makes me madder at you. How would you feel if I went to your mom and dad when we had an issue?"
"I would be happy for you to talk to my parents if you feel there was an issue that they could help you with, in regards to me."
"You're not hearing me. I give up." <click>
I'm not a complete idiot. There are parts missing.
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If you still have access to the letter, please get it from WW. You don't want her using your words against you later. Once you have it, destroy it. It's in her purse which is usually in her truck. What did I say that was problematic?
I'm not a complete idiot. There are parts missing.
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I know that my letter was wordy...and that was the edited version. I just poured everything out that I was thinking and feeling.
I do know that she read the entire letter. At least once.
I'm not a complete idiot. There are parts missing.
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Expose the karate association now, don't wait.
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gnirlos
You do recognize that the folks here have seen hundreds of situations just like yours - maybe thousands, maybe even tens of thousands.
You do recognize that affairs follow a script in that the affairees say and do the same dang thing, over and over and over. In other words, by the 100th iteration, most of us here can complete the sentences and predict what happens next.
You do recognize that shedding light on the subject makes the cockroaches run.
You do recognize that you need a plan and to follow the plan without deviation.
I wrote you a sample and not too wordy letter for the karate association(s). Save the long winded versions for another day.
OMW doesn't have the benefit of the type of understanding you can get from those here who have walked in your shoes and talked to people who have walked in your shoes hundreds and in some cases, thousands of times.
So what she believes is from a position of gut reaction, not the benefit of knowledge.
Unfortunately, your letter has fueled your wife's entitlement even more. You have made your work harder.
You are walking a rocky road and it won't be a quick trip.
Larry
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