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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Joined: Apr 2001
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mark wrote this excellent post [thanks Mark! ]:
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These four create intimacy. When we think our relationship is romantic, these are the ones we consider and not things like DS or FS. We don't fall in love with someone because they earn a lot of money. The four INTIMATE emotional needs make a serious contribution to everyone's love bank.
... This part of Mark's post that Melody quoted brought to mind something I've heard before "sex begins in the kitchen," which advises men that helping their wives in the kitchen during the day does wonders for creating romantic mood later in the bedroom. More broadly, how do people on this forum feel about the importance of trying to meet your partner's NON-intimate emotional needs as a way of enhancing the meeting of INTIMATE emotional needs during periods of UA? In other words, use non-UA time to meet non-IEN's so that your UA time is more effective at meeting IEN's. I'm thinking of situations in which a husband wants to focus on INTIMATE EN's, but his wife is so overwhelmed with kids and domestic responsibilities that by the time she's available for UA, she's worn out and UA is not very productive.
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Regarding dishes, you will notice that washing up after dinner is actually in Dr. Harley's article about affection! And I've heard him say on the radio he advocates couples wash the dishes together.
Meeting the other emotional needs will definitely make the relationship better and will result in better intimacy during UA. In fact, if a spouse is in withdrawal and totally unwilling to engage in UA, Dr. Harley does suggest making small love bank deposits through the non-intimate needs will eventually pave the way to openness to have the intimate needs met (large deposits). Such a spouse will often list the non-intimate needs as their highest needs: financial support, domestic support, etc. When they move out of withdrawal (the state of not wanting their needs met) and into conflict or intimacy, they will typically rank the intimate needs highest again.
In one of his books (I think it is I Promise You) Dr. Harley says that originally he thought of counseling couples to only meet the intimate emotional needs, since they have the greatest effect. But he found that meeting 5 needs instead of 2 was not only doable, but it functioned as "insurance" for the marriage, making sure that it is absolutely fantastic and that no other relationship could ever compete. In an affair, it is very common that the affair partner is meeting the intimate emotional needs, while the betrayed spouse is meeting non-intimate needs. The wayward is usually happy to have their cake and eat it too, letting two people meet their emotional needs.
In the situation you are mentioning, the husband can benefit from realizing that his wife wants him to be a partner in the problems she faces: the kids and domestic responsibilities. If he will become her partner in those problems, letting her talk to him about them when she wants to, and negotiating solutions and strategies with her, and helping her, he will find that she is much more willing to be intimate. The couple should ALSO reschedule their undivided attention time so that it happens at the time of day when they are most energetic. UA time will not accomplish anything if they are dog-tired and feel like crap and are a mess. They need to look good and feel good for each other. The point of UA time is to be together at the times when you are happiest and feeling the best during the week; not to just get the scraps that are left over after all of the other things that have been scheduled.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thanks Markos, and thanks Melody for starting the thread. I'm glad to have learned that emotional needs can be divided into two categories (intimate, other), and that there's an interplay between them. It seems pretty obvious now that I've read about it, but before this I didn't even think to distinguish between them.
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Thanks Markos, and thanks Melody for starting the thread. I'm glad to have learned that emotional needs can be divided into two categories (intimate, other), and that there's an interplay between them. It seems pretty obvious now that I've read about it, but before this I didn't even think to distinguish between them. Listen to this excellent radio clip on intimacy. Radio Clip on intimacy
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Joined: Nov 2010
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5
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The Harleys discuss what to do during your 15 hours of UA. Radio Clip on Undivided Attention
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,470 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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