So, is he willing to make any changes toward:

1) The two of you filling each other's ENs

2) Spending 15 hours a week together.

Serious, day-to-day lifestyle changes have to be made here if you want a happy and fulfilling relationship. Just leaving it the way it is will lead nowhere but to divorce court. That's because you are married but he is not. He's essentially a single guy who has a wife and/or a mommy.

What is he willing to do *as a couple with you* to change your day-to-day lives?

Spy.

Now.

Don't delay.

I do hate being the friend police and I agree it is no way to live. I can live with the idea that after an A there can never again be 100 percent blind trust, but I don't trust my H as far as I can spit, and that does not make for much of a marriage. We do an amazing job of faking it most of the time, though, in front of friends, family and kids. I think this benefits my kids (without whom I would have left a long time ago, no question).

The easy spying has yeilded nothing, the two email accounts for which I have the passwords are full of correspondence between them but not a hint of anything other than business. My guess is there's nothing on the computer, I will have to get his phone and look through the texts and call log. If I could get the GPS on the phone activated that would also be good.

I did talk to him last night and said I found the record of the purchase and was it for suspected OW. He said no, not for her, for someone else (unnamed) whose birthday is coming up. That was supposed to make me feel better??? He refused to say who or to talk about it further saying he will talk to me about it when he comes home Sunday night. It will take him until then to come up with a lie, but I can't even conceive of one that would be plausible.

I'm still waivering on what to say when he comes back. Part of me wants to skip the spying and go straight to telling him to find another place to live or telling him I'm taking a break and getting out. But much more likely I'll start with the spying and asking for the ENs and 15 hours.

Thank you so much for the input.

We told you to hold off until you found out more. Now he will lie. Why are you with him? Even the kids dont deserve a father that cheats, lies and is gone most of the time.

You don't need GPS on the phone. Put it in the trunk of the car, or hidden up under the seat, etc. You can hide it easily.

Get one that you can access remotely on your computer.

Put keylogger on your home computer. If he accesses any emails from there, you can at least get those.

Sign up on your cellular carrier for the service that gives you access to online reading of text messages. Don't tell him you are doing it, and don't give him the password.

You need to learn to have patience, and keep things quiet. The only way you can be positive about what he is doing is to keep a lid on what you know for a little while. This is hard, but you have to do it.

If he is still cheating, you have to figure out for sure, so he can't lie about it or cover it up with a phony story with some outside help. You need proof, because he is experienced.

Make your plan - and work the plan. Then, if you want to save the marriage, you need to have a plan for that mixed in there.

Okay, I agree patience isn't my strong point, but I'll try to get more information before I show my hand again. The last time around he was actually quite bad at covering for himself. He lies, but badly. I mean, who uses their joint credit card to buy jewelry for an OW?

Holding in the anger while I snoop is going to be the hard part. Every imaginary conversation I have had with him in my head over the last two days has ended with me seriously enraged; I definitely see the fear/rage connection.

At the moment I'm fixated on a small detail: her phone number on is phone is filed under "Angelika" instead of her real name. He never hid this, he told me his mother gave her this name because they (my MIL and OW) have a "special bond." As a sidenote, my MIL was totally on my side during the last A, was appalled by H's behavior and told him so. There's no way she would condone another A, whatever "bond" she has with this W based on one or two meetings. Just thinking about this name thing is enraging me, but I know I have to let it go right now or I will lose it when I see him : ).

He's going to Bible Study you say? Is there another man in the group that he is friends with and might talk to him about how inappropriate this friendship is??

I might want to say something along the lines that if he doesn't tell you who it's for- you'll call the credit card people because it was your card he made the purchase with. That's illegal right?