What is this phenomenon?

Ashlee,

The Love Bank helps you understand this phenom!

Link to Love Bank

Are you interested in giving The MB Program a go?

I get the impression that you want an answer that will require you to invest very little energy.

If your going to do something more than feed your monster (the out of love feelings), then understanding UA is a great place to start.

Hi tst,
I'm not sure what happened there, but when I wrote my post about my brother your 3 posts that show up before it were not there. I wrote my post and then went to bed and when I woke up this morning it was the first time I had seen your posts. So, yes it probably looked like I was avoiding your questions, but I promise it was just that I hadn't seen your posts.

As for wanting a quick fix, then yes, I'm human and I think everyone wishes there was a quick way to get out of the pain. But I realise, that unless God miraculously zaps me, then that ain't gonna happen

I've read "His Needs, Her Needs" years ago, but I haven't read the book you suggested (Falling inlove, Staying inlove). So I will give that a read. I've read all the links on this website though about the basic concepts and the love bank and all the rest.

We are trying to build more UA time in our lives at the moment. I'm trying to work out what we did when we first started dating. I'm conscious of not wearing my husband out time wise as he is trying so hard to work on his lack of assertiveness through reading and counseling and action (as am I). How do people fit in 30+ hours per week?

I'm not in America where I think they run the Marriage Builders weekends. How do you join the MB program? Is it just a matter of reading the articles on this website and join this forum, or is it something different?

That is amazing that Dr Hartley said some of his most successful marriages have been arranged marriages. Thanks for the links.

I think you will get a better idea of the MB program from this book. I hope you enjoy it. Here's a link to the bookstore page it's listed on ..... LINK


You can get close to this time just by eliminating all evening activities and spending UA time together instead. That would account for 3-5 hrs each weekday evening for between 15-25 hrs... then you add in the weekends together and you can acheive another 8-20 hrs. Of course this depends on work schedules!


Try this link, it may give you some insight as to what the MB Program entails... MB Program LINK

Wow!

Well I haven't written in here for a while. Things have improved a lot. We still have a way to go yet, but have a lot more hope. Hubby and I have both been getting counselling and we have BOTH been making changes. There truly are times when I feel the spark come back...especially on days when he is making decisions without my help and therefore showing me the real him

I guess when I first wrote in here I was going through the panic phase. Going through all the stages of grief. Shock/denial, pain/guilt, anger/bargaining, "depression"/reflection/lonliness, and finally acceptance. God reminded me that I am never truly alone as He is always with me and that brought a lot of peace back to me. I was able to see clearly and make the decision to COMMIT to my marriage no matter what I was FEELING. I finally realised I was having wayward thoughts before. Maybe not to cheat on my husband, but wayward thoughts about whether I had the strength to stay in the marriage. That took energy away from focussing on fixing our marriage. So thank you to those who mentioned the whole wayward idea. It sunk in over time.

So anyway, once I finally came to a place of acceptance of my situation and the decision to commit we were able to move forward from there (of course, my husband had to go through all these stages and decide to commit to me too). It's funny how you say all these vows on your wedding day and you truly mean them at the time. You are so in love and they are easy to say, but then you actually have to live them. That's when you truly find out what you are made of.

Well that's it from me for now. Thanks again to those who gave helpful advice that finally sunk in We still have a way to go, but we are moving forward and we are a lot happier. It's actually brought us closer together, because we were able to see what we were made of when things got really tough. It has built a lot of trust between us.

So thanks again and God bless
Ashlee xxx

Hi Ashlee2

I've just finished reading your thread. You have been given great advice. It seems as though you are on track now. You came to the right place and MBs does work if you are committed to putting it into practice - which it appears you and your H are. I think two key things helped and are helping my M. The first one was harnessing my mind/thoughts which meant I had to fake it till I made it. I couldn't trust my mind at all. The poor choices I went on to make and nearly ended my M told me this loud and clear. This took a long time. But as folks here have said, if you don't, you start to rewrite history and, what's worse, start to believe it. You have to begin to act with love and show love and then change will come. Feelings follow.

I know you have physical issues and hopefully you can get some help with those.

The second thing was and is UA. I needed this and it is something we hve struggled with. My H has a very busy job with massive responsibility, we have 3 children, house, dog etc etc. There was always an excuse. However, we needed more time together to rebuild and nurture the M. It's working and I think my H loves it that he's my priority.

One thing I know for sure is that it all takes time and some serious work but the rewards to the relationship are beyond worth it.

I will check in more often. Do keep writing here. It can be a great source of encouragement.

Take care.

Ashlee2, reading your posts has helped me to understand my wife a great deal. Thank you!

Hi Rob_S, so glad that reading my posts has helped you to understand your wife more. Thank you for letting me know. So many other peoples posts have helped me so I'm glad that I could return the favour.

Hi Nowis, thank you so much for your post. It is good to hear from someone who has been to the otherside and back I'm so glad that things are so much better for you and your H. Thank you for letting me know the two most important things you found that helped you and your H. I will take them on board. I know what you mean about UA being so important and how life can really get in the way of that. I don't even have kids at the moment and its still hard. We are really trying to focus on getting more of this into our lives. Trying to do what we did when we first met. Also I agree with having to be careful about what we are thinking. It gives me hope to hear that after acting in love you started to feel it. Hopefully in time this will all feel like a distant memory.

Thank you for encouraging me to continue writing in here. There still are days of hope, and days that feel less hopeful.

Thanks again.
Ashlee2

Hi Ashlee

Just checking in. Hope all is continuing well.

Take care.

Hi Nowis,

Thanks for checking in with me. Things are still going ok. I'm doing my best not to be ruled by my thoughts and we are trying to put in as much UA as we can.

To be truthful there are still days when I feel less hopeful and think that maybe things wont change and that maybe I'll have a great marriage with my husband, but not one that includes much attraction (in regards to the bedroom). I guess I still grieve over this. I think I've forgotten what that kind of attraction feels like. I often have dreams where I feel that attraction again, usually towards some faceless person, but never my H unfortunately. Then I remember what it feels like and I grieve that it's not a reality in my life at the moment. But I guess that is just negative thoughts again, so I just plod along and keep working on myself and hopefully time will prove all those thoughts wrong.

On a positive note. The times we have tried things in the bedroom, it hasn't been that painful. In fact more painless times than slightly painful times. I took the marriage builders advice and we did not try to push through pain, but got to the core problem and started to work on that. It's so true that it all starts in the brain for the woman. We are such complicated creatures. So I have to focus on the positive changes and not get disheartened by the long journey still ahead of us.

I remember reading some of your posts in the beginning and could so relate to your thoughts and views towards your husband then. I have felt some of the following:

* Husband is kind, considerate and wants to please. His life revolves around me.
* Husband is intelligent, but he lacked friends and any desire to really find any. I was enough for him.
* Relationship is agreeable with lots of talking and communication and their is rarely any arguments. He is like my bestfriend.
* Sex is painful because their is no desire, lust, passion, or just plain "wanting them".
* Husband always had the attitude of "whatever you want", "it's up to you", I'm happy if you're happy" and I wanted him to have an opinion, have their own mind, and be 'stronger' than me. Someone to look up to.

I was just wondering how you changed your thoughts regarding this? I guess I still feel the same towards my husband as you did then. My husband sounds very similar to yours and our relationship seems to sound very similar to yours back then. It seems like your husband made some changes too. Did this help you? Sorry for all the questions, it just seems like I could relate to a lot of your thoughts in the beginning and wanting to learn from you, but only if that's ok with you

Thanks again for everything
Have a great day!!
Ashlee2